Monday, March 31, 2008

Am Just A Dreamer, I Dream My Life Away...

Stuck at work. Boring shit. But has to be done, to pay the rent. A telephone conversation happening in the next cubicle. Droning. Nothing specific. Sounded like white noise. But suddenly, out of no where, some images flashed in my mind. Images, accompanied with that deceptive feeling of comfort and leisure.

A room. A terrace. Dark and raining outside. Tea in a kettle. I FELT the warmth. My favourite chocolate biscuits. I felt a tingle in my tongue. A bright tea cosy. Dim lights. Music, but I couldn't recognise it. Some people I love and care for. Sitting around a sofa. Plump cushions. Thick carpet. Dark furniture around, with hazy details. And surprisingly, no Me, in the whole room.

And then, as always, I snapped out of it. Very sudden. Very abrupt. Infact, the transition was so bad, that for a second or two, I couldn't figure out my bearing! But what struck me most about this little day dreaming episode, was the presence of a very good friend of mine with whom am fighting, in real life. Complicated. But the overall mood is superficial animosity. And yet, I saw her there. Infact, I even vividly remember her idiosyncrasies, while offering tea to someone! In that room. On the terrace. While it was raining outside. Deep, in the world of my dreams.

And it scared me. Is this then, a harbinger of the fast approaching end? Or, is it just another figment of my tired, hyperactive mind? I don't know. But I can't wait to find out.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Elocutionist

I usually don't like to think of myself as anything apart from a geek, but if I had to try really hard, to think of another passion that is next to my heart, I'd probably put Recitation, above the others. Yes. Recitation, or rather, Elocution, the synonym of my choice.

Ever since I was a kid, I have loved to be on stage. Loved to hog the limelight. Hogged it all. And Elocution and Debating were the best opportunities that I had. And I took to them, like a fish to water. Over the years, debating somehow took a backseat, but elocuting remained close to my heart.

But its been a good many years, since I last went up to the stage, and recited anything. College was a big nightmare that I mindlessly waded through, and work doesn't seem to be different either. Slowly, even the frequency of my Bathroom Recitations waned. And it slowly but surely passed into my list of Things I Used To Like Doing.

Last evening, I chanced upon a pretty darned good print of The Ladykillers. Amazing movie. Though I admit that I am favourably biased towards Tom Hanks, this movie touched a sweet spot. Something long forgotten. A thing of the past.

As soon as I finished watching the movie, dug up some the best pieces that I have ever come across, and saved, in the hope of reciting them someday! Turned on a dim light near the table (which I had conveniently turned around, to face the mirror), enqued some Vivaldi on Winamp, and got down to work.

The next hour or so, was one of the best that I have had in a long, long time. Fleeting memories of a bygone era caressed me. The knot in my stomach before every elocution, the slight perspiration before going on stage, that last moment of utter panic, and finally, the all enveloping feeling of ecstacy at the end of it all. It was all there. It was ALL there!

But the bug has bitten me for good. Been secretly working on a piece. Have plans of doing a recitation at office. Not sure, if its a receptive audience, but well, what the heck! I just need some people around, to see if I still, got the touch. Will blog on the outcome, if it happens.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The Best Post Of The Blog, Is The One That...

Why is it, that the best day of your life, is the one that you never get to live? The Best Girl, is the one you never get to hold? The most cherished dreams, are the ones that never come true?

As I was telling GB, this is probably a combination of the weather, the music, and the fact that I am hopelessly stuck with my Baby. This, this, ummmm, this whole philosophical outlook, if I could call it that. But I can't help thinking. Why are pain and loss, so entwined with My Destiny? Sometimes, its tiring. Sometimes, its scary. If I can't do away with them, atleast I wish I was numb to them. The word that comes to mind, is "indifference". Blissfully indifferent, to it all. Just floating. Drifting. Passing by. No crests of pain, or troughs of joy. Just undulating numbness. Ah! I wish...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

She's Just Mine All Mine

Though the title is from a corny AC/DC song, that's the only phrase that got stuck in my mind, everytime I tried thinking of a title for this post. Nothing else. Zilch. Nada. So, I stuck with it. Not sure, how appropriate it is. But then again, I don't have to work at holding your attention. This blog is for me, so...

Usually, I have work to do, as soon as I reach home, and blogging takes a back seat. But today, I returned late, and after that mind numbing shit that I have to call work, I wasn't upto anything creative by a far shot. So, I decided to take some time off, and dig a little deeper into some unpleasantness. I know, I won't do it, if I get so much as half a chance to evade it.

Patterns, I think reveal a lot. When a precise solution eludes you, look for patterns. They often guide you to a helpful direction, even if they may not contain the solution itself. And at a sub conscious level, I think that is what I have been doing for the last coupla hours. Looking for patterns. Patterns to my erratic mood swings. Patterns to my weird reaction to human company. Patterns to something unexpected. Patterns to an anomaly.

When I told VG about this post, she told me that I am going crazy. That I am over analysing things. But I beg to disagree. Sometimes, I think a man should spend some time, thinking about his life. Where he is heading, and what might be in store for him, there. And RD doesn't do this, often enough. So, this can't be over analysis. Just can't.

I think one of the things that is a problem, is my inability to

Took a break. Dozed off last night, and I think I have lost the flow. ;(

Monday, March 24, 2008

Somewhere I (Un)Belong

A couple of disjointed lines from a song by one of my favourite Bangla Bands, Fossils, should pretty much sum up, what I wish to write about.

Fossils - Ekla Ghor
"Ei Ekla Ghor Amaar Desh, Amaar Ekla Thhakaar Obbhesh... Bondhuder bhire'o ekla ekla aami khunje phiri lokkho amaar, paaltaachhe na ei obostha'ta, jodio paalte jaaowa'r dorkar"

Translation : "This lonely room is my Home, Its my habbit to live alone... Even among a crowd of friends, I keep searching for my goal (meaning in life), and the situation just refuses to change, though a change is highly anticipated and needed"

This is what was running through my mind in a rush, blocking everything out, Saturday night. Unexplained. Unexpected. A sudden stampede of a chain of thought, that completely broke down my already fragile emotional state of mind. I went from teeming excitement, to utter depression, in a matter of just a coupla minutes, and the reason still eludes me, even after thinking about it all, for 2 days.

I was with a group of people, who are the closest to what I can call My Friends, the mood was jovial, and everything was good and fun. I personally, wasn't in any particularly foul mood. Was doing decently good with my people skills as well. Heck! These were my friends. I shouldn't even be worried about my skills, interacting with them. But I wasn't taking any chances. I had planned this one through. No glitches. I was going to be nice. I was going to be funny. I was going to be chatty. I will keep myself occupied, and not let my mind run away, chasing some fancy, destructive ideas. Having fun, would be a Bonus! And as I said, I was doing pretty good.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I started going down, like a heavy stone in a river. Hurtling full speed, into the depths of depression. Sinking and sinking bad. And I mean, Real Bad. All my thoughts just went zilch in no time, and I started struggling to even get into the conversation happening around me! Gradually, the voices started to fade out, and I was left alone, screaming in my mind. Screaming, SCREAMING, SCREAMING!

I Don't Belong Here. These are a group of strangers, and I don't even know them! Maybe I knew them, in a distant past. Maybe I even liked them, back then. But not now, not here. I don't even want to know them. I feel so, I feel so, so Lonely. I don't deserve this. This is my vaccation, Goddamnit. I should be enjoying it. But I can't. I want to throw up. I want to throw up till there's nothing inside of me. I want to get up, and start running. Keep running, till I drop down. I don't know where to, I don't know how far. I don't wanna know. I don't care. As long as its away from here. Far, far Away.

It had happened before, and it was happening again. Out of nowhere, the question of what the hell I was doing there, at that point of time, with that bunch of people, loomed large, and I had no answer. I mean, ofcourse I was there with my friends. And obviously, I was having a good time. But that hollow creepy feeling won't go away. Nor would the screaming voice. I tried concentrating on the conversation around me, I tried thinking of the pleasant things that had happened to me. I tried them all. Nothing worked.

However, I did manage to overcome the intense desire to run away from it all. I had made a gritty promise to myself, that no matter what happened, I won't run away. I'll face it, whatever it is. I'll stay and fight. The fact, that this was late in the night, in the middle of a jungle, and I had no access to any form of transport, helped keep my resolve. But it was closely fought. I needed a lot of that silly stupid thing that people call will power, to keep myself from doing more harm than I had already done.

Quietly got me into bed, slept it off, and well, was better on Sunday morning. But the bitter aftertaste lingers on. I don't think I can let this pass lightly. Its getting serious. Its getting repetitive. Worst part is, I think I have some clues about the root cause. But its so downright dark and dirty, that I even refuse to think about it. But maybe I should. Maybe I should, real quick.

And till then, my conquest of the man inside, must continue.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Roller Coaster Ride, Anyone?

While surfing some blogs, I came across this post, and well, just couldn't keep myself from re iterating it here, in Pink! ;) No guesses why.

"I was 25 at the time, and basically oscillated day to day between thinking "This is the greatest idea ever!" and "This will never work. Who am I to take on Intuit and Microsoft? If this was a good idea, someone would have done it before." It’s very emotional, and I don’t think people ever tell you about that. You see your net worth quickly draining, you have no idea what’s going to happen next, and you’re sitting alone in a room with no help, no resources, just your brain and sheer will-power. When ever I got down, I would listen to "That’s Life" by Frank Sinatra, or think about a Shakespeare quote I liked as a kid: "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win, by fearing to attempt." "

Lately, been ripping stuff off others. Think its time for an original post or two. Hmmm...

Monday, March 10, 2008

My Dedication : Back To You

After a very long time, I thought of You. Had a longing, to be with You. To have You in my arms. Close. To feel Your breath, caress My skin. Shiver when Your sweat evaporates off My body.

But its not to be. However, I wonder, if things had turned out the way I had wished them to, maybe this song would have been fitting, to our very weird, very unusual, ummmm, Love?

I've been down, I've been beat,
I've been so tired, that I could not speak.
I've been so lost, that I could not see,
I wanted things, that were out of reach.
Then I found you, and you helped me through,
And you showed me, what to do
And thats why I'm coming back to you...

Like a star, that guides a ship across the ocean.
Thats how your love will take me home back to you.
And if I wish upon that star, someday I'll be where you are.
I know that day is coming soon, ya I'm coming back to you.
You've been alone, but you did not show it,
You've been in pain, but did not know it.
Let me do what I needed to, you were there when I needed you,
Might have let you down, might have messed you round,
But you never changed your point of view.
And thats why I'm coming back to you...

I'm coming back to you.
I'm coming back to you.
I'm coming back to you.
That day is coming soon.
I'm coming back to you.