So, am sitting here, staring out of the window at the grey, overcast skies. These few days (hopefully my last) at my current day job, have been very unproductive in all counts. Nothing, Absolutely Nothing of value has been created, solved, or worked upon, as far as I am concerned. Frequent mood swings, and restless habits that take time to shrug off, have contributed to this, in no small extent.
Anyways, my latest crib about the world around me, has less to do with the event that triggered it, and more with another, much deeper inner conflict, that has bothered me over the years. I guess, the incident was just the proverbial last straw that broke the camel's back. Though the phrasing has an ominous sound to it, be rest assured, all is well.
So The D will be visiting family, and the trip details have all worked out and all. Was pretty excited about it, as she had to wait long and hard, to get things done. And then, had this sudden urge to surprise her with a visit. You know, the typical RD Thinga! Pack a set of clothes, get on a bus, get to her house and ring the bell, while trying hard to keep the "So-Whose-The-Man-Huh-Huh" grin, on! Called up the trusted duo of M and P to arrange for the finances and the logistics. That's when, it occured to me, that staying in D's city is a problem. And no matter how hard I tried, couldn't come up with a hack to that. Eventually, decided to give up on the Surprise Factor, and spoke to her about it. I was already planning ahead, working out the logistics in my head. Certain, that asking The D to work out a solution, was a mere formality. She'd be resourceful enough to come up with a hack.
And that's when things played out, against the script. Realized, that she wouldn't really want me around. No. That's not entirely correct. Ok, let me rephrase that. She would surely love to have me around, but given the whole scenario, the answer to RD's being there or not, was a hesitant, reluctant, No. Hesitant and reluctant. But a No, nonetheless.
And it hurt. RD is quite sensitive about not imposing on someone. Stigma, from a past, better left forgotten. So, he makes an extra effort, to ensure that he doesn't get himself into a situation that even mildly makes him feel unwanted. And here, due to a gross miscalculation, for which there was no one else to blame, he was in a situation that he tries very hard, to avoid. The realization was so sudden, that there was no time to make a graceful exit either. It was a rout, without even a vestige of dignity!
Even by my biased interpretation of facts, its obvious that it was a mistake at my end. It is totally unacceptable, to presume reactions of others. It more often than not, results in impending disaster. And if I were to logically analyze it, I'd rubbish the whole incident as a trivial conversation, to be forgotten pretty much as soon as its over.
But that is where the conflict plays up. The conflict between what you should do, and what you eventually end up doing. The D has impeccable logic on her side. No doubt about it. I'd have suggested the same, given the constraints at hand. I'd arrive at the same conclusion, without an iota of doubt. But at the same time, I can't help feeling a little empty inside. Wondering, if I'd have done the same, had I been in her shoes.
That line in itself betrays a flawed logic. Even without giving it considerable thought, I can think of a number of counter arguments, to prove that its selfish, illogical, egotistical, to say the very least. And yet, I find no solace in that. It still hurts. It does.