Well, it seems like no matter how hard I try, I am never too far from the next Depression Cycle. Though this was a pretty long run that I had, as is evident from the date of the last blog post. And yes, I am one of those fatalistic Fraud Bongs (do I have to be politically correct in my own blog???) who only feels like writing when things are down in the dumps!
So, well, its that time of the year again, when I get very edgy. Pujas are around, and there's a feeling in the air. Can't explain, but something's different. The sunshine feels warmer, the wind is not chilly but it is refereshingly cold, the birds chirp that bit sweeter. Nature seems poised to welcome the Goddess, and yet, the contrast with what I feel inside, couldn't have been starker! Felt similar, last year round. But then, I managed to crash in at Rommel's. That was some relief. But now that I AM at Rommel's, what now? Where do I run to now?
When I try and look inside, all I can see is the desire to run away. Run far, far away. One part of me, simply disgusts me. The fact that I am even writing this here, spewing all the dark, blue inside, when everyone around me is so happy and cheerful, is reason enough. While another, just watches, amused by the stupidity of it all.
If I can't run away, can't I atleast hide under the bed and sulk? Please? With comfort in the knowledge that MnP are just sitting around in another room, and D is only a couple of minutes away? Please? Please? Please? I don't wanna be alone this Pujas. I don't wanna try and fill up the empty loneliness inside, with empty crowds outside. It doesn't work for me. It JUST DOESN'T WORK FOR ME!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Relief @ 3 Goddamn AM!
Usually, by 3AM on any given day, I am so far gone that the only thing that I can possibly do apart from work, is laugh hysterically (like here and here)! Its too much to expect RD to do much else at that God forsaken hour! However, last night was an exception. Last night, I felt relief. Well, yes. The dud that I am, things took a little time to hit home. But when they did, whoa! What a relief it was. Had me grinning ear to ear for no apparent reason, and I was so definitely not complaining!
I have always felt that the biggest flaw of startups is the inherent romanticism associated with them. And I dare say, at the same time, it is also their biggest draw! For that guy whose running low on confidence while chasing his dreams, desperately looking around for something to hold on to when things are looking really bad around him, its this romanticism of doing a startup that keeps him afloat! The idea of doing something that you want to do from the bottom of your heart, and not just because, can be an amazing upper! Add to that the rebellious angle to it all, and you have a feeling not very different from a RockNRoll band.
But that’s all very nice and good for the person who wants to do the startup. But for people around him, the same romanticism can be quite disillusioning. It might seem very cool initially, but as soon as the shine wears off, and the dust, sweat and grime of a startup begins to get apparent, the romanticism fades. And a lot of dynamics get affected and this in turn leads to inevitable disharmony.
So, last night when it finally hit me that some of the people in my life, who really matter, have crossed the mental barrier of looking only at the rosy side of the startup scene, there was a sudden sense of extreme relief. Lately my conscience has been eating at me. Call it the Roller Coaster ride if you will, but I felt guilty. For what exact reason, I don’t know. But there was this feeling that I was misleading people who were probably betting high on me. And their trust was something I didn’t want to break.
But now that little niggle at the back of my mind is gone. M, P and D, all understand how it could all end up in chaos, and if, inspite of this, they decide to bet on RD, I think its only fair that RD stops worrying about them, and works his back off, to ensure that things work out!
The Romanticism is dead and gone, Long live the evergreen Romanticism!
I have always felt that the biggest flaw of startups is the inherent romanticism associated with them. And I dare say, at the same time, it is also their biggest draw! For that guy whose running low on confidence while chasing his dreams, desperately looking around for something to hold on to when things are looking really bad around him, its this romanticism of doing a startup that keeps him afloat! The idea of doing something that you want to do from the bottom of your heart, and not just because, can be an amazing upper! Add to that the rebellious angle to it all, and you have a feeling not very different from a RockNRoll band.
But that’s all very nice and good for the person who wants to do the startup. But for people around him, the same romanticism can be quite disillusioning. It might seem very cool initially, but as soon as the shine wears off, and the dust, sweat and grime of a startup begins to get apparent, the romanticism fades. And a lot of dynamics get affected and this in turn leads to inevitable disharmony.
So, last night when it finally hit me that some of the people in my life, who really matter, have crossed the mental barrier of looking only at the rosy side of the startup scene, there was a sudden sense of extreme relief. Lately my conscience has been eating at me. Call it the Roller Coaster ride if you will, but I felt guilty. For what exact reason, I don’t know. But there was this feeling that I was misleading people who were probably betting high on me. And their trust was something I didn’t want to break.
But now that little niggle at the back of my mind is gone. M, P and D, all understand how it could all end up in chaos, and if, inspite of this, they decide to bet on RD, I think its only fair that RD stops worrying about them, and works his back off, to ensure that things work out!
The Romanticism is dead and gone, Long live the evergreen Romanticism!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Rains, Voices And My 2 Cents Worth
"I think its something about the water" - famous line spoken by a famous woman, on a hot Saturday afternoon, in a distant city. And that is what I found myself telling RD, last evening. The city is back to the "Vintage Bangalore" weather. Overcast in the morning, slightly sunny in the noon, drizzles in mid to late afternoon, rains in the evening, to climax into nice cool nights! If this isn't purrrfect, I don't know what is. Add to that, hot spicy piyanjis, strong Earl Grey, dependable friends, and never ending conversations. I wish things wouldn't ever change. (sigh)!
Ever since I was a kid, hovering around the stage, yearning to be in the limelight, trying hard to break out of the shadow of a Wannabe, I have been fascinated by people's Voices. I am struggling to find the right words to articulate my thoughts on this, but what I am trying to say is that people's voices play quite a major role in the impression that I form of them, in my mind. I may not admit it at a conscious level, because it sounds too frivolous, but I know, somewhere deep down, its true.
And so, when I heard this woman's voice, late last night, I was, to put it mildly, "charmed". It was surreal. Take a dollop of vanilla ice cream, and slowly pour a generous scoop of hot chocolate sauce over it. Now tell me how you feel. I was feeling the same, when I heard her speak. Or, imagine sitting around a fire in the middle of a cold lonely desert, you light up on your last cigarette, and the slow burning crackle that you hear when you pull on your first drag. The insane melody of that lone comforting sound was as close a parallel as I can think of, to her voice as it floated down the phone line. I felt like I was wading through pink, formless clouds, drifting along, floating along, following the sound of her voice. Not caring where, not worrying how. Just as long as that voice would go on speaking to me, soothing, caring, tantalizing, sometimes inviting, sometimes distant, but always tempting, always there, I could go to the moon and back, and not know about it.
Yes, "charmed" really is an understatement.
Ever since I was a kid, hovering around the stage, yearning to be in the limelight, trying hard to break out of the shadow of a Wannabe, I have been fascinated by people's Voices. I am struggling to find the right words to articulate my thoughts on this, but what I am trying to say is that people's voices play quite a major role in the impression that I form of them, in my mind. I may not admit it at a conscious level, because it sounds too frivolous, but I know, somewhere deep down, its true.
And so, when I heard this woman's voice, late last night, I was, to put it mildly, "charmed". It was surreal. Take a dollop of vanilla ice cream, and slowly pour a generous scoop of hot chocolate sauce over it. Now tell me how you feel. I was feeling the same, when I heard her speak. Or, imagine sitting around a fire in the middle of a cold lonely desert, you light up on your last cigarette, and the slow burning crackle that you hear when you pull on your first drag. The insane melody of that lone comforting sound was as close a parallel as I can think of, to her voice as it floated down the phone line. I felt like I was wading through pink, formless clouds, drifting along, floating along, following the sound of her voice. Not caring where, not worrying how. Just as long as that voice would go on speaking to me, soothing, caring, tantalizing, sometimes inviting, sometimes distant, but always tempting, always there, I could go to the moon and back, and not know about it.
Yes, "charmed" really is an understatement.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Showman
(This was a mail to Chi, on a boring workday)
Whoa! Had an awesome experience just a coupla moments back. You know, my day was coming along pretty bad. Bored with this guy who is training us, frustrated with the way things are shaping up with The Baby back home, irritated with my own lack of intelligence in solving simple problems.
Went out to the cafeteria for a cuppa (you wouldn't ever dare drink chai in Bangalore, it SUCKS). I have this thing about always occupying the last table, looking out of the windows, with my back to the rest of the world. Yeah, talk about being UnSocial! So, I was walking to the rear of the cafeteria, with my cup of coffee, and they started playing The Calling - Wherever You Will Go. Pata nahin, there's something about that song which gets my adrenaline pumping. For the next coupla minutes I was transformed into another world, Totally! I was looking outta the window (this is on the 10th floor of the building), banging my head, playing my air guitar, sipping my coffee, mouthing the lyrics, tapping my feet! It was magical. An extraordinary feeling, bang in the middle of a very ordinary environment. Awesome!
Unfortunately, the song got over soon. And as I turned back to face the mundane reality of my life, realised I had an amused audience of 5-6 people. The Drama Queen in me was too far gone by then, for any form of restraint. So, I gave them an elaborate bow! ;) It was freaky! They probably haven't met an RD in their whole lives! The ShowMan in me was grinning from ear to ear! ;)
Anyways, back now. Sitting here, doodling, looking blankly through the presentations, periodically nodding to the instructor without knowing what he's talking about. Gosh! What a contrast!
Whoa! Had an awesome experience just a coupla moments back. You know, my day was coming along pretty bad. Bored with this guy who is training us, frustrated with the way things are shaping up with The Baby back home, irritated with my own lack of intelligence in solving simple problems.
Went out to the cafeteria for a cuppa (you wouldn't ever dare drink chai in Bangalore, it SUCKS). I have this thing about always occupying the last table, looking out of the windows, with my back to the rest of the world. Yeah, talk about being UnSocial! So, I was walking to the rear of the cafeteria, with my cup of coffee, and they started playing The Calling - Wherever You Will Go. Pata nahin, there's something about that song which gets my adrenaline pumping. For the next coupla minutes I was transformed into another world, Totally! I was looking outta the window (this is on the 10th floor of the building), banging my head, playing my air guitar, sipping my coffee, mouthing the lyrics, tapping my feet! It was magical. An extraordinary feeling, bang in the middle of a very ordinary environment. Awesome!
Unfortunately, the song got over soon. And as I turned back to face the mundane reality of my life, realised I had an amused audience of 5-6 people. The Drama Queen in me was too far gone by then, for any form of restraint. So, I gave them an elaborate bow! ;) It was freaky! They probably haven't met an RD in their whole lives! The ShowMan in me was grinning from ear to ear! ;)
Anyways, back now. Sitting here, doodling, looking blankly through the presentations, periodically nodding to the instructor without knowing what he's talking about. Gosh! What a contrast!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Amaze Me, Before You Teach Me
Have you seen Spirit, The Stallion Of Cimmaron? Its a nice animated movie about the life of a stallion who is born into the wild, taken into captivity, abused and mistreated, and who finally finds redemption. I can't explain what exactly it is about the stallion, but everytime I watch that movie (yes, its one of my favourites, and yes, I still love to watch animated movies), I find myself completely relating to its spirit, its attitude.
I admit I am a stubborn person. I am not really as smart or as intelligent as I like to think I am. But that doesn't stop me from not having much respect for The Establishment. I know my abilities, and I am fiercely protective about them. I respect myself, just as much as I respect someone else. I have never really given in to most of the pretenders who have come into my life, demanding my respect. No sir. That is one thing, you just can't demand from RD, and expect him to give in meekly. You have to command RD's respect. You have to earn RD's respect. I don't dish it around to anyone who just happens to be passing by. I think my respect for someone is precious. And so, I don't dole it out to people as alms for the poor of character. Absolutely NOT.
And my respect is one thing you totally need, before you can hope to teach me. I steadfastly revolt against people who have tried to get some stuff into my head, typically in a classroom setting, without first having me in awe of them. Ask some of the teachers at AG, or PESIT, or some of the trainers at my current day job. High Bozocity Quotient and Teaching RD, just don't gel too well.
And that's exactly what happened the other day, when I went in for a 3 day training session. It started off disastrously, and well, it went further downhill, from there on. The gentleman who had come over, knew less about the subject, than I did. He was definitely not competent enough to be training/teaching a bunch of people. Overall, he did nothing to put me in awe of him. Big mistake on his part.
I ploughed through two sessions, but then the devil got the better of me. I started disrupting the class with questions I knew he couldn't answer. Ofcourse, they were all valid questions. But I could have taken them up with him later. However, I didn't. I was in such an insane rage, for this total disrespect for my time, my abilities, that all I wanted to do then, was humiliate him. To let him know, that he can't get away with mediocrity. To send a message across to the Establishment, that they can't get away with shoving shit down our throats.
Ofcourse it didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to. What is worse than an incompetent man, is a nice and decent incompetent man. Before long, I was feeling so bad at having hurt someone who just couldn't hit back at me, that I couldn't carry on with the onslaught. But at the same time, letting him off the hook, meant that I had to sit through the rest of the sessions, and bear with him! A choice between the devil and the deep sea. Ended up sitting through the rest of the sessions, without any more interruptions.
But later, it got me thinking. This surely is a flaw in my attitude. A considerably damaging flaw, given the fact that most people are not flamboyant enough, to impress me with their knowledge/abilities. However, that also doesn't mean that they don't have anything that I couldn't learn from them. Moreover, at heart most folks are good and decent. Doesn't make me feel like a Superhero, being mean to them.
But at the same time, I hate rewarding mediocrity in any form. It is detrimental to human society in the long run. We should always aspire for perfection, even if we may not attain it. But aspire we must. We shouldn't settle for anything less. Else, it sets a trend and then, we start to compromise on things, where we shouldn't have had the need to, earlier.
I am still divided on this. Don't think I can change my attitude in a day or two. No, that aint happening. But I think this requires further retrospection. I only hope, that I have adequate courage and will, to act on whatever it is that I decide upon, after I have reached a conclusion.
To end this post, can't help but post a couple of lines, which I think I etched on my heart, mind and soul, the day I read them. Ayn Rand - Anthem.
What is my joy if all hands, even the unclean, can reach into it?
What is my wisdom, if even the fools can dictate to me?
What is my freedom, if all creatures, even the botched and impotent, are my masters?
What is my life, if I am but to bow, to agree, and to obey?
I admit I am a stubborn person. I am not really as smart or as intelligent as I like to think I am. But that doesn't stop me from not having much respect for The Establishment. I know my abilities, and I am fiercely protective about them. I respect myself, just as much as I respect someone else. I have never really given in to most of the pretenders who have come into my life, demanding my respect. No sir. That is one thing, you just can't demand from RD, and expect him to give in meekly. You have to command RD's respect. You have to earn RD's respect. I don't dish it around to anyone who just happens to be passing by. I think my respect for someone is precious. And so, I don't dole it out to people as alms for the poor of character. Absolutely NOT.
And my respect is one thing you totally need, before you can hope to teach me. I steadfastly revolt against people who have tried to get some stuff into my head, typically in a classroom setting, without first having me in awe of them. Ask some of the teachers at AG, or PESIT, or some of the trainers at my current day job. High Bozocity Quotient and Teaching RD, just don't gel too well.
And that's exactly what happened the other day, when I went in for a 3 day training session. It started off disastrously, and well, it went further downhill, from there on. The gentleman who had come over, knew less about the subject, than I did. He was definitely not competent enough to be training/teaching a bunch of people. Overall, he did nothing to put me in awe of him. Big mistake on his part.
I ploughed through two sessions, but then the devil got the better of me. I started disrupting the class with questions I knew he couldn't answer. Ofcourse, they were all valid questions. But I could have taken them up with him later. However, I didn't. I was in such an insane rage, for this total disrespect for my time, my abilities, that all I wanted to do then, was humiliate him. To let him know, that he can't get away with mediocrity. To send a message across to the Establishment, that they can't get away with shoving shit down our throats.
Ofcourse it didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to. What is worse than an incompetent man, is a nice and decent incompetent man. Before long, I was feeling so bad at having hurt someone who just couldn't hit back at me, that I couldn't carry on with the onslaught. But at the same time, letting him off the hook, meant that I had to sit through the rest of the sessions, and bear with him! A choice between the devil and the deep sea. Ended up sitting through the rest of the sessions, without any more interruptions.
But later, it got me thinking. This surely is a flaw in my attitude. A considerably damaging flaw, given the fact that most people are not flamboyant enough, to impress me with their knowledge/abilities. However, that also doesn't mean that they don't have anything that I couldn't learn from them. Moreover, at heart most folks are good and decent. Doesn't make me feel like a Superhero, being mean to them.
But at the same time, I hate rewarding mediocrity in any form. It is detrimental to human society in the long run. We should always aspire for perfection, even if we may not attain it. But aspire we must. We shouldn't settle for anything less. Else, it sets a trend and then, we start to compromise on things, where we shouldn't have had the need to, earlier.
I am still divided on this. Don't think I can change my attitude in a day or two. No, that aint happening. But I think this requires further retrospection. I only hope, that I have adequate courage and will, to act on whatever it is that I decide upon, after I have reached a conclusion.
To end this post, can't help but post a couple of lines, which I think I etched on my heart, mind and soul, the day I read them. Ayn Rand - Anthem.
What is my joy if all hands, even the unclean, can reach into it?
What is my wisdom, if even the fools can dictate to me?
What is my freedom, if all creatures, even the botched and impotent, are my masters?
What is my life, if I am but to bow, to agree, and to obey?
Friday, April 24, 2009
A Lazy, Nostalgic Saturday Morning
Am so totally in a mood to waste today. Eakdam se dont' feel like working! :( And there is loadz to do! However, what I do feel like doing today, is to keep singing along to the songs playing in my WinAmp now. When I looked through the playlist, I was amused. These are songs I haven't listened to, in a long, long while. Most are a throwback to my AG days. Times when MP3 was oh so cool and new. English music was just beginning to make its presence felt in my world. Life was peppered with abundant opportunities. A 166MHz computer with a 2.1GB hard disk, was equivalent to a Porsche Boxster to me. It couldn't get better than that. And probably, it never did.
Anyways, making a list of the songs that I am listening to now. Maybe you can go oh, I'd like to listen to that too! ;)
A-Ha - Take On Me
A-Ha - Crying In The Rain
Cat Stevens - Wild World
Chumbawumba - Tub Thumping
Del Amitri - Roll To Me
Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
Enigma - Return To Innocence
Enigma - Gravity Of Love
Fear Factory - Cars
Glen Campbell - Rhinestone Cowboy
Lighthouse Family - Aint No Sunshine When She's Gone (cover)
Lyte Funky Ones - Girl On TV
Real McCoy - Come And Get Your Love
Roxette - How Do You Do
Roxette - Sleeping In My Car
Roxette - The Look
Sasha - I Feel Lonely
Seal - Kiss From A Rose
Stevie Wonder - I Just Called To Say I Love You
Stevie Wonder - Part Time Lover
Take That - Back For Good
The Wonders - That Thing You Do
Tom Jones - You Sexy Thing
Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight
Anyways, making a list of the songs that I am listening to now. Maybe you can go oh, I'd like to listen to that too! ;)
A-Ha - Take On Me
A-Ha - Crying In The Rain
Cat Stevens - Wild World
Chumbawumba - Tub Thumping
Del Amitri - Roll To Me
Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
Enigma - Return To Innocence
Enigma - Gravity Of Love
Fear Factory - Cars
Glen Campbell - Rhinestone Cowboy
Lighthouse Family - Aint No Sunshine When She's Gone (cover)
Lyte Funky Ones - Girl On TV
Real McCoy - Come And Get Your Love
Roxette - How Do You Do
Roxette - Sleeping In My Car
Roxette - The Look
Sasha - I Feel Lonely
Seal - Kiss From A Rose
Stevie Wonder - I Just Called To Say I Love You
Stevie Wonder - Part Time Lover
Take That - Back For Good
The Wonders - That Thing You Do
Tom Jones - You Sexy Thing
Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I Hope You Dance
The other day, on my way back from another depressing day at my day job, this song started playing on the radio. The music wasn't extraordinary, nor was the voice of the singer. But what grabbed me, were the lyrics. By the time the song was over, I was back to my usual hopelessly optimistic and loving it, self!
I think when am breathing my last, if I can honestly look back at my life and say with conviction that I lived my life by this song, I'd die a happy man. And on that optimistic and cheerful note, let me end this short post, right here.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I think when am breathing my last, if I can honestly look back at my life and say with conviction that I lived my life by this song, I'd die a happy man. And on that optimistic and cheerful note, let me end this short post, right here.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Suckers For Acceptance
If you've travelled by 3 tier (class???) in trains, as much as I have over the last couple of years, or commuted on the streets of Bombay (and NO, I will not call it Mumbai), you are probably not affected by the eunuchs, the third gender any more. You have been desensitized to them, just like the handicapped children, the blind beggar, or the man lost in the big city needing some money to get back home. But while travelling by train the last time round, I couldn't help thinking about them. And that is how, this post, came into being.
A very typical scenario, involving a group of eunuchs in a train, goes something like this : You are sleeping/dozing unaware. Suddenly you are awakened by a loud clap. You open your eyes in haste, and see a garishly dressed (wo)man, standing in front of you, speaking in horribly lilting tones with an unmistakable male undertone, asking you for money! Here, one of the three scenario's unfolds : You either quietly pay up and be done with it. You try and ignore them for a while till they either try to kiss you or touch your body in a way which would have been seductive, if it weren't downright revolting, and you hurriedly part with some money to end the harassment. And sometimes, though rarely, you just manage to wriggle your way out, without having to pay.
I fall in the last category.
I have never paid any money to them, in all these years of travelling 3 tier (And no, I haven't been to Bombay). And yet, my solution doesn't involve any rudeness, cheap threats, or snide mean comments on their sexuality (or lack thereof). Its just a small, sweetly told lie, smeared with a generous helping of manipulative psychology.
I look at them (direct eye contact is preferable), screw up my face to feign helplessness (or rather, what I think helplessness looks like), fold my hands, and utter something in the line of "Amma, student hain" (with extra emphasis on the first word). And believe you me, it has worked each and every time, for the last 8 odd years. There were few, who did ask a second time, but when I repeated the same line, with all the more emphasis on the Amma bit, they just quietly let me be.
It was incredible, as a psychological test case. Here you have a bunch of people who are unmoved by pretty much any insult that you can throw at them, actually reacting to something as simple as this! It was manipulative on my part, Yes. But nothing that they couldn't handle. Nothing that their collective frustration of being social outcasts for centuries, couldn't easily have overwhelmed. And so, the more I thought about it, the deeper I wanted to get into its mechanics. What exactly was it, that prompted such a reaction from them? Which part of their psyche, was this touching so deep.
My conclusion is, that it is the Need for Acceptance, that is at the root of this. What could have started out as a craving for social parity, now degenerated by the constant battering from a rigid society, to something as basic as a desire for mere acceptance. And this is not just restricted to the members of the third sex. I believe that this need for acceptance, is a basic need in all human beings. Though, it might be predominantly acute in any group which is a social minority. From the Rock'n'Roll wannabe who indulges in various forms of excesses to conform to an image to gain acceptance in his peer group, to the socially retarded geek who makes awkward attempts at conversation with the girl sitting beside him, and everyone else in between (which includes most of us, mere mortals). We all crave for attention from others. We all like to be a part of a group. An unexplainable urge to be cocooned in the comfort of the knowledge that there are people who accept us, just as we are. After all, at the end of the day we are all suckers for acceptance, aint we?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Embracing The Past, And Loving The Future
It isn't easy to just wake up one day, and do something that you have been evading for the better part of the last 8 odd years. The inertia holds you back, if for no other reason, but just because. And if you are an RD, well, you also have to get over the innumerable self doubts, that you have cultivated, in all those hours spent alone, introspecting. And so, it wasn't easy for me to agree meeting up with Chini, when she suddenly called up Sunday morning, to let me know she was in town!
I have spent a lot of time evading my past, to put it lightly. For no apparent reason. I find excuses not to meet people, I was once great friends with. I deliberately forget to return calls from folks I once spent hours talking over the phone with. And in some extreme cases, I quite avoid passing by neighbourhoods, I once spent a majority of my evenings in. Yeah, yeah. I am your typical slime ball, scum bag, in person!
But there was something about Chini (or was it Mary??? [;)] ). There was always, something about Chini. She was comfortable to be around with, disarming warm smile, and an interesting thought process. I should know. After all, I spent countless afternoons, balancing math on one hand, and her and Ranga's idea of Lets Have Some Fun With The Geek, on the other.
And so, I decided to make an exception to the rule, and meet up with her. Though I spent the entire travelling time, from my home to the mall, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. The awkward unpleasant silences after pretty much having exhausted asking about all the common friends and acquaintances. The foot in the mouth moment while making small talk. The uncomfortable questions about what I am doing with my life. And these were the good scenarios! No wonder, it was with mild misgivings, that I entered Crosswords, looking for my old friend.
But the moment I met her, it was almost as if I had stepped into another world. Just two good, old friends, meeting up after ages. There we were, sitting at a Barista, talkng, laughing, joking, grossing each other out, and doing everything possible to be generally obnoxious to people around us. And surprisingly, I was Loving It! It was almost as if I was back in school! Below Mr. D's house, on hot, sweaty summer afternoons, sitting on a wooden charpoi, chatting away to glory without a care in the world, trying hard to be funny, grateful for everytime I could get Chi to laugh. I was back in my elements. I was back to being the good, old vintage me.
The next couple of hours were delightful. I realized that although she has changed quite a bit in these last couple of years, the changes were not bothering me at all. We could still chat for hours, laugh over silly jokes, and have a good time. None of the good things had changed.
Chini's train was delayed by a couple of hours. And as worrisome as she is, we ended up spending 3 odd hours at the station. And this was when, I got to know a new Chi. We were done talking about all the people we knew, back at AG. All the news had been traded. We were eerily close to the point I dread, when meeting old friends. The so what else, part. When all the conversation has dried up, and you are down to uncomfortable small talk.
But instead, we just found so many different things to talk about. In between a million cups of chai, with the setting sun and the transient ambiance of a partially busy railway station, I discovered a new person in her. I discovered a woman with dreams and aspirations. A girl with anxieties and insecurities about her future, much like my own. But above all, I rediscovered a friend. Sitting there on the platform, comfortably yapping away, happy at being a center of lethargy, bang in the middle of all the usual hustle and bustle, I wanted time to pause a while, so I could catch a breather, and soak it all in. Soak it all in, long enough, deep enough.
As I waved Chi goodbye and was walking back to the parking lot, I realized that all my insecurities, my self doubts, had miraculously resurfaced. No sooner had I turned around, I was wondering if she was more relieved than sorry, at finally getting rid of me. If I had been entertaining enough. Or worse, if I had failed to do anything that is expected of a friend. I guess, some things just don't change that much after all. However, I also found myself humming a couple of lines of a Boyzone song.
An old friend called the other day
And wasn't quite sure what to say
Didn't seem to know me anymore
And I said
Don't treat me like I'm someone new
I'm still the same one you used to talk to
But all I need from you friend
Is good conversation
Is good conversation
To put my mind at ease
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Anti Social
Been thinking about getting registered on Facebook, for quite a while now. No. Not because I wanna stay connected with friends. Quite on the contrary. I heard they have a great platform to build widgets on, and I wanna try it out. Sounds exciting. But just couldn't get myself to register.
The reason is simple. Everytime I try to, the whole idea of connecting with so many people, scares the hell out of me. Totally. I don't know, how this started, but I have slowly but surely developed a phobia of people. The repercussions are too scary to even think. I try not to think about it too much, but sometimes, it catches up with me. And that's when the blues hit home. Hard.
Glad am going home soon. I always get a lot of clarity when I spend a coupla weeks there. But lately, even that clarity, hasn't been lasting me long enough! Damn! I so need to find a permanent fix to this. I so, so, so need to.
The reason is simple. Everytime I try to, the whole idea of connecting with so many people, scares the hell out of me. Totally. I don't know, how this started, but I have slowly but surely developed a phobia of people. The repercussions are too scary to even think. I try not to think about it too much, but sometimes, it catches up with me. And that's when the blues hit home. Hard.
Glad am going home soon. I always get a lot of clarity when I spend a coupla weeks there. But lately, even that clarity, hasn't been lasting me long enough! Damn! I so need to find a permanent fix to this. I so, so, so need to.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Wendy And Lucy
I just watched Wendy And Lucy. A wonderful movie. Really is. There were two particular instances, that I could so totally relate to.
In the first, Wendy is at the garage, asking about the repairs needed for her car. She is on the tightest of budgets, and has no means of generating extra cash. And yet, her car is essential, to even give her a decent chance of reaching her destination. That helplessness, that desperation, almost reeked of verisimilitude.
The other day, when I was running around, to get the lappie up and running, I so totally went through the same motions, myself. And what you feel, when you are caught in that scenario, cannot really be expressed in words. It almost felt like being trapped in a glass cage, when every second you feel that you can easily punch your way out of it, and yet, with each punch you realize the futility of it all.
The second, is when Wendy asks the Security Guard for change, to call from a pay phone. And he offers his phone to her, telling her that nobody uses a pay phone nowadays. A coupla days back, when Romit had dozed off in his room, and I couldn't find any way of waking him up, and opening the door for me, I was about to trudge off to the nearest pay phone. That's when the caretaker of the building, offered to call him from his phone. It was kind of embarrassing, when he was amused that I couldn't call out from my phone.
I can't really be certain, how I feel after having watched the movie. But I know, I certainly don't feel disheartened, about relating to a character in Wendy's predicament. I feel anything, but that. Yes, these are a little troubled times. Yes, a lot of things that I had taken for granted all along, I have now come to appreciate and cherish. But by no means, do I feel down in the dumps. They say, the night is darkest, just before the dawn. And inspite of all my defiance for conventional wisdom, this one time, I think I will believe them.
In the first, Wendy is at the garage, asking about the repairs needed for her car. She is on the tightest of budgets, and has no means of generating extra cash. And yet, her car is essential, to even give her a decent chance of reaching her destination. That helplessness, that desperation, almost reeked of verisimilitude.
The other day, when I was running around, to get the lappie up and running, I so totally went through the same motions, myself. And what you feel, when you are caught in that scenario, cannot really be expressed in words. It almost felt like being trapped in a glass cage, when every second you feel that you can easily punch your way out of it, and yet, with each punch you realize the futility of it all.
The second, is when Wendy asks the Security Guard for change, to call from a pay phone. And he offers his phone to her, telling her that nobody uses a pay phone nowadays. A coupla days back, when Romit had dozed off in his room, and I couldn't find any way of waking him up, and opening the door for me, I was about to trudge off to the nearest pay phone. That's when the caretaker of the building, offered to call him from his phone. It was kind of embarrassing, when he was amused that I couldn't call out from my phone.
I can't really be certain, how I feel after having watched the movie. But I know, I certainly don't feel disheartened, about relating to a character in Wendy's predicament. I feel anything, but that. Yes, these are a little troubled times. Yes, a lot of things that I had taken for granted all along, I have now come to appreciate and cherish. But by no means, do I feel down in the dumps. They say, the night is darkest, just before the dawn. And inspite of all my defiance for conventional wisdom, this one time, I think I will believe them.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Paaglaami, In The Middle Of The Night
Its 230 in the morning. Am at Cassa Rommel. I've probably had more rum than I should. But then again, am on a high. We have finished the video shoot for CN. And the first launch is behind us. And I was probably looking for an excuse to indulge myself.
We saw a pretty nice Bong movie. "Aamra". Can't remember the last time I was so affected by a movie. After watching it, I wanted to ride out right now for her city, bang on her door, shake her really hard, and shout some logic into her. I know, I know, we all have our right to be stupid, but aint this taking things too far? But I wonder, how stupid do you have to be, to not see something that is so obvious!!! I mean, can't she see that "we" are meant to be together? What does it take to show her this?
I am not sure. Am not sure of anything, right about now... All I know is, there are a million reasons why we can't work out! GB tells me, that I wasn't really into her, but I was in love with myself. Madhu tells me, that what works in childhood, doesn't work at my age no more, and hence there is no future for us. VG pretty much thinks that she is the Devil in Disguise (and not a very thin disguise, for that matter). She herself thinks that even the idea of "us" is as preposterous as it gets.
And yet, everytime I convince myself to get over her, my heart comes back the full circle. In pretty much every woman that I see, I try to find her. In every moment that presents itself, I try to mould it to something that has her in it. In every dream I dream, she is the center of my world.
I know this makes no sense. It makes no sense at all. And yet, my heart doesn't want to accept the truth. I cannot think of a future, without her. I cannot think of a life, in which she isn't an integral part of. Am I being foolish? Am I being stupid? I don't know. I don't care. All I know is, that I am not going to be making the same mistakes of my past, again. I won't. I can't.
We saw a pretty nice Bong movie. "Aamra". Can't remember the last time I was so affected by a movie. After watching it, I wanted to ride out right now for her city, bang on her door, shake her really hard, and shout some logic into her. I know, I know, we all have our right to be stupid, but aint this taking things too far? But I wonder, how stupid do you have to be, to not see something that is so obvious!!! I mean, can't she see that "we" are meant to be together? What does it take to show her this?
I am not sure. Am not sure of anything, right about now... All I know is, there are a million reasons why we can't work out! GB tells me, that I wasn't really into her, but I was in love with myself. Madhu tells me, that what works in childhood, doesn't work at my age no more, and hence there is no future for us. VG pretty much thinks that she is the Devil in Disguise (and not a very thin disguise, for that matter). She herself thinks that even the idea of "us" is as preposterous as it gets.
And yet, everytime I convince myself to get over her, my heart comes back the full circle. In pretty much every woman that I see, I try to find her. In every moment that presents itself, I try to mould it to something that has her in it. In every dream I dream, she is the center of my world.
I know this makes no sense. It makes no sense at all. And yet, my heart doesn't want to accept the truth. I cannot think of a future, without her. I cannot think of a life, in which she isn't an integral part of. Am I being foolish? Am I being stupid? I don't know. I don't care. All I know is, that I am not going to be making the same mistakes of my past, again. I won't. I can't.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Soul Searching
I was in one of those moods to introspect, today. Had oodles of time on my hands, but couldn't leave for home and get down to work. After reading through 7 magazines, and getting saturated on information about the Financial Crisis, Mumbai Burning, The Great Indian Democratic Farce, The Big Black American Dream, I had exhausted the external means of keeping myself occupied. That's when I started reading my own blog posts, over the years.
The person that came across, judging by the thoughts portrayed, was not someone very nice. Or pleasant. Albeit, lonely. But mean. I wondered, if this is what I had set out to be. If this is the person, on whom all those teachers at AG, Madhu Pintu at home, family and few friends, had believed in. If this is the person, that Rohitesh himself, believed in. I wondered.
I am not sure, how long this round of blues, will last. But I think, at some deeper level, inside of me, I am ready to turn my life around. The best thing about being in the dumps, is the realization, that if you live to tell the tale, the worst is over. When you hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go. And that is, UP.
I guess, this could be the right time, to start some of the things that I have been neglecting, lately. A good way, to keep my mind off all the trash.
1. Attending SKID, daily
2. Cycling to work, daily
3. Prayers, daily
4. Long walks in the park, thrice a week
Yeah. I feel better already. This ship might be damaged, but it is not beyond salvage. I guess, its time to turn it around.
The person that came across, judging by the thoughts portrayed, was not someone very nice. Or pleasant. Albeit, lonely. But mean. I wondered, if this is what I had set out to be. If this is the person, on whom all those teachers at AG, Madhu Pintu at home, family and few friends, had believed in. If this is the person, that Rohitesh himself, believed in. I wondered.
I am not sure, how long this round of blues, will last. But I think, at some deeper level, inside of me, I am ready to turn my life around. The best thing about being in the dumps, is the realization, that if you live to tell the tale, the worst is over. When you hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go. And that is, UP.
I guess, this could be the right time, to start some of the things that I have been neglecting, lately. A good way, to keep my mind off all the trash.
1. Attending SKID, daily
2. Cycling to work, daily
3. Prayers, daily
4. Long walks in the park, thrice a week
Yeah. I feel better already. This ship might be damaged, but it is not beyond salvage. I guess, its time to turn it around.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Sorry, Slip Of Tongue Sir
I am totally, completely, absolutely, undoubtedly, a water baby. I was born in the monsoon season, swimming is the only sport I love, I drink gallons of water a day. And yes, as a result of this, I end up going susu a million times a day! In fact, so deep is this bond, that I find my mind to be working at its best, when am in the men's room.
Today was turning out to be an ordinary day. Dead, dull, boring. As I walked down to the toilet, there was nothing to even bring a smile on my face. Monotonous life. Through which I wade in and out everyday like a zombie. Flashing fake smiles, asking fake questions, showing fake concern, at fake people. This was how I found myself, standing next to this very plain, non-descriptive guy, in one of the stalls.
Now, from my millions of seconds worth of experience, relieving myself in public toilets, I have concluded, that men have a tendency to do either of these two things, while answering to the call of nature. And they do so, with an alarmingly high probability.
(a) lean forward and spit on the stream of jet gushing out (is there a connection between our urinary and salivary glands, or what),
(b) scrunch up all their abdomen muscles, to squeeze out that last remaining drop of toxic water, out of their bodies.
Although both are equally repulsive, what tilts the scale in favour of the latter, is the problem with applying the squeeze in the right Direction. Get it wrong, and you end up in a slightly embarrassing scenario, of having to explain, why you are being so rude, so as to cause a serious emission problem, for people around you!
And that's exactly what happened to this guy, today. I was humming a Scorpions number, staring at this spider on the wall, thinking of happier times, creating false memories. And this guy, standing right next to me, in one of the stalls, suddenly ends up parting wind! For a second, there was silence. I thought I could feel this guy's embarrassment loom like a cloud over us (no pun intended)! The awkward silence was palpable. I stopped my humming. And then slowly turned to look at him.
An average Joe, having an average day, which just got a million times worse! Staring straight down, to avoid any kind of eye contact. Wishing like hell, that he could just disappear in thin air! And at this point, RD swooped down on his misery!
Gave him one of my pet, Koi Baat Nahin, Hota Hai, smiles. Told him, not to worry. We all have our bad days. Even made up a story, about how the same had happened to me once, and I got away with it, by excusing myself in front of those present, for a Slip Of Tongue!
By this time, he was pretty relieved. Was smiling, even. One of those hapless smiles, that I have seen countless times before. Poor fellow, didn't have much of a choice, but to nod on, and grin in agreement. So, I mused philosophically (for his benefit, the musing was done aloud), that life is nothing but a string of embarrassing incidents. And how we must, move on. Never stop, but keep on moving. He mumbled something, about how true it was.
Before walking away, patted his shoulder in a comradely fashion. Slight nodding of the head. Hint of a smile (actually, more like a well disguised smirk)! And turned to leave. I made sure that there was no way he could chase me (unless he wanted to run around with his fly undone), and as a parting shot, quipped that if he had to torment his fellow susu'waalahs, the least he could do, was watch what he eats! And ran the hell out of there, laughing my guts out!
Unfortunately, strategy forbade me to look back, and see the expression on his face!
Today was turning out to be an ordinary day. Dead, dull, boring. As I walked down to the toilet, there was nothing to even bring a smile on my face. Monotonous life. Through which I wade in and out everyday like a zombie. Flashing fake smiles, asking fake questions, showing fake concern, at fake people. This was how I found myself, standing next to this very plain, non-descriptive guy, in one of the stalls.
Now, from my millions of seconds worth of experience, relieving myself in public toilets, I have concluded, that men have a tendency to do either of these two things, while answering to the call of nature. And they do so, with an alarmingly high probability.
(a) lean forward and spit on the stream of jet gushing out (is there a connection between our urinary and salivary glands, or what),
(b) scrunch up all their abdomen muscles, to squeeze out that last remaining drop of toxic water, out of their bodies.
Although both are equally repulsive, what tilts the scale in favour of the latter, is the problem with applying the squeeze in the right Direction. Get it wrong, and you end up in a slightly embarrassing scenario, of having to explain, why you are being so rude, so as to cause a serious emission problem, for people around you!
And that's exactly what happened to this guy, today. I was humming a Scorpions number, staring at this spider on the wall, thinking of happier times, creating false memories. And this guy, standing right next to me, in one of the stalls, suddenly ends up parting wind! For a second, there was silence. I thought I could feel this guy's embarrassment loom like a cloud over us (no pun intended)! The awkward silence was palpable. I stopped my humming. And then slowly turned to look at him.
An average Joe, having an average day, which just got a million times worse! Staring straight down, to avoid any kind of eye contact. Wishing like hell, that he could just disappear in thin air! And at this point, RD swooped down on his misery!
Gave him one of my pet, Koi Baat Nahin, Hota Hai, smiles. Told him, not to worry. We all have our bad days. Even made up a story, about how the same had happened to me once, and I got away with it, by excusing myself in front of those present, for a Slip Of Tongue!
By this time, he was pretty relieved. Was smiling, even. One of those hapless smiles, that I have seen countless times before. Poor fellow, didn't have much of a choice, but to nod on, and grin in agreement. So, I mused philosophically (for his benefit, the musing was done aloud), that life is nothing but a string of embarrassing incidents. And how we must, move on. Never stop, but keep on moving. He mumbled something, about how true it was.
Before walking away, patted his shoulder in a comradely fashion. Slight nodding of the head. Hint of a smile (actually, more like a well disguised smirk)! And turned to leave. I made sure that there was no way he could chase me (unless he wanted to run around with his fly undone), and as a parting shot, quipped that if he had to torment his fellow susu'waalahs, the least he could do, was watch what he eats! And ran the hell out of there, laughing my guts out!
Unfortunately, strategy forbade me to look back, and see the expression on his face!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
You Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine
[timelines are inconsistent as I started writing this last Tuesday, but had to put it on the backburner]
Damn, I am pissed! Wanna go spitting venom!
So, Bozo pings last night (the other names that come to mind for him, are too obscene). I was working, I was sleep deprived, I was not in the best of moods, and lets admit it. Bozo aint really one of my best friends. Not even by a long shot. But inspite of this bad chemistry, I do the needful. I feign enthusiasm. I ask the usual questions. The expected, non funny jokes. The whole works, you know. Expecting the conversation to peter out, for lack of things to say.
And then, right out of the blue, Bozo drops one of his trademark bombs. One, he knew, would make me flinch! He asked me about, The Book!
Men express their love for women, in various ways. Some do it with flowers, some with gold and diamonds, some with songs, and some with letters. I did mine, with a short story. Well, that's me after all. A small note was too small, and the whole I need to be heard and understood thing, was running too high. So, I ended up writing a 40 some page long story, to tell her, how I felt about her.
Ofcourse, today when you look back at a lot of things you did in your past, they seem incredibly dumb and silly and stupid. But back then, they were probably the right things to do. And even today, if I could turn back time, and do the whole thing again, I think I won't change it a bit. I'll do it all, just the way I did it, the first time round. And because, whatever I wrote in those pages, was something I really felt, I am not even embarrassed of it. But, it was very, very Personal!
Yes, I might laugh about it. Yes, I might write a blog post with all the ugly details. And yes, I might even dedicate an entire chapter of my autobiography to it. But that doesn't mean, that I will let someone like Bozo ask me about it, dig in for some juicy details! I could so visualize that smirk on his face, the irritating slight nodding of his head, that retarded, lopsided grin, suggesting that its only fair that I give him the details, because he wasn't stingy with his, when his flirtations with Cupid fell flat on its face!
Wait a second, right there! What is going on? Have we gone back to the days of our childhood? The whole, I shared my toffee with you, so now you must share yours with me? Go get a life, Dude. Didn't you know, RD always cheated in those games, as a kid. And this was not acceptable. Not with Bozo. No Sir. Not At All. Some things are just not acceptable.
For all those years, that I had to bear with Bozo, I did it, in the stoic manner, a Bong in Calcutta bears with the heat, the sweat, the pollution, the crowds, the roaches, the flies. What cannot be cured, must be endured. Though, my contempt, my disgust for him, would often surface, I think, given the circumstances, I did a decent job.
But that was out of compulsion. When you live in a tightly knit community of college kids living just outside, its not wise to be too overtly discretionary about your choice of friends. But the same doesn't apply now. I don't have to take that shit anymore. If I don't quite like hanging out with someone, I don't I need to force myself to do it. If I find someone obnoxious, I don't think I should be polite and nice, just to be social.
Anyways, this incident raised a number of more serious questions. The answers to which, can only be found, on further introspection. Will have to wait for another post.
Damn, I am pissed! Wanna go spitting venom!
So, Bozo pings last night (the other names that come to mind for him, are too obscene). I was working, I was sleep deprived, I was not in the best of moods, and lets admit it. Bozo aint really one of my best friends. Not even by a long shot. But inspite of this bad chemistry, I do the needful. I feign enthusiasm. I ask the usual questions. The expected, non funny jokes. The whole works, you know. Expecting the conversation to peter out, for lack of things to say.
And then, right out of the blue, Bozo drops one of his trademark bombs. One, he knew, would make me flinch! He asked me about, The Book!
Men express their love for women, in various ways. Some do it with flowers, some with gold and diamonds, some with songs, and some with letters. I did mine, with a short story. Well, that's me after all. A small note was too small, and the whole I need to be heard and understood thing, was running too high. So, I ended up writing a 40 some page long story, to tell her, how I felt about her.
Ofcourse, today when you look back at a lot of things you did in your past, they seem incredibly dumb and silly and stupid. But back then, they were probably the right things to do. And even today, if I could turn back time, and do the whole thing again, I think I won't change it a bit. I'll do it all, just the way I did it, the first time round. And because, whatever I wrote in those pages, was something I really felt, I am not even embarrassed of it. But, it was very, very Personal!
Yes, I might laugh about it. Yes, I might write a blog post with all the ugly details. And yes, I might even dedicate an entire chapter of my autobiography to it. But that doesn't mean, that I will let someone like Bozo ask me about it, dig in for some juicy details! I could so visualize that smirk on his face, the irritating slight nodding of his head, that retarded, lopsided grin, suggesting that its only fair that I give him the details, because he wasn't stingy with his, when his flirtations with Cupid fell flat on its face!
Wait a second, right there! What is going on? Have we gone back to the days of our childhood? The whole, I shared my toffee with you, so now you must share yours with me? Go get a life, Dude. Didn't you know, RD always cheated in those games, as a kid. And this was not acceptable. Not with Bozo. No Sir. Not At All. Some things are just not acceptable.
For all those years, that I had to bear with Bozo, I did it, in the stoic manner, a Bong in Calcutta bears with the heat, the sweat, the pollution, the crowds, the roaches, the flies. What cannot be cured, must be endured. Though, my contempt, my disgust for him, would often surface, I think, given the circumstances, I did a decent job.
But that was out of compulsion. When you live in a tightly knit community of college kids living just outside, its not wise to be too overtly discretionary about your choice of friends. But the same doesn't apply now. I don't have to take that shit anymore. If I don't quite like hanging out with someone, I don't I need to force myself to do it. If I find someone obnoxious, I don't think I should be polite and nice, just to be social.
Anyways, this incident raised a number of more serious questions. The answers to which, can only be found, on further introspection. Will have to wait for another post.
Goodbye Geetika
.H called on Wednesday. In a quiet voice, he told me, that Geetu had died. Monday. Hung herself.
And just like that, all of a sudden, Geetika walked out of all our lives. Just like that. No teary eyed good byes. No hollow promises of keeping in touch. No gradual acceptance of an uncertain future. She moved out. Just like that.
There are a million thoughts, running all around, crazy, in my head. To even try and write them down, would be insane. I wouldn't even try. But more than anything else, they will be a disservice to one of the most cheerful and brave persons I have ever come across. How else does one explain her child like excitement when we carried her, (Yes, literally carried her) inside, whenever all of us would go out for dinner! Or, her clicking away to glory, when she was totally covered in bandages with alot of irreparably broken bones!
Brave. Cheerful. Enthusiastic. Fuck-The-World-And-We-Shall-Rule. Creative. Dreamer. Yes, Geetika. These, and much more, are what we will remember you by.
I am glad that I got to spend some time with you. And I cherish those moments. My only regret will be, that I could not be next to you, when you needed a friend. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot change that. But I do hope, that the day we meet again, I will make up for it. I swear, I will.
And though we wish you goodbye, you will remain in our hearts, forever. May you find the peace, you sought all along, my friend. Goodbye Geetika.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Another Evening At Cassa Rommel
This was my second evening at Cassa Rommel! And like the first, there was good food, better liquor, and some of the best singing and guitar playing that I have been around, for a while. From Rabindra Sangeet, to Dylan, to Floyd. But the most popular numbers were the timeless classics by Anjan Dutta. It was wonderful. To relate to the emotions of someone, and to voice them, in tune, is a wonderful feeling. I can't explain it, really. Maybe, you need to experience it, to understand it.
Of alot of things that we spoke of, what really got me thinking, was the discussion that we had, on the fatalistic attitude of people. How, some of us really ended up celebrating the pain, the melancholy in our lives! It was true, I admit. And yet, it was sad. It was my second evening there, and like the first, I was vividly visualizing her, through tightly shut eyes, while we were all singing along, to AD's words on Love won and lost and its memories, while Rommel strummed his guitar. And though, the memories hurt, really hurt, I didn't wanna stop. Just didn't wanna stop.
There was solace. There was relief. There was a sense of solidarity in the realization of shared pain. There was a temporary haven, away, far far away from the constant pain inside. There was a gentle warmth, a comforting cocoon, in the company of people from a past not so long ago. A shield from the cold loneliness inside. And there was the faint taste of wild, wild hope. To sweeten the bitterness of reality.
P.S. Got a really good collection of AD songs from Rommel. Next post on the lyrics of a song that really got me.
Of alot of things that we spoke of, what really got me thinking, was the discussion that we had, on the fatalistic attitude of people. How, some of us really ended up celebrating the pain, the melancholy in our lives! It was true, I admit. And yet, it was sad. It was my second evening there, and like the first, I was vividly visualizing her, through tightly shut eyes, while we were all singing along, to AD's words on Love won and lost and its memories, while Rommel strummed his guitar. And though, the memories hurt, really hurt, I didn't wanna stop. Just didn't wanna stop.
There was solace. There was relief. There was a sense of solidarity in the realization of shared pain. There was a temporary haven, away, far far away from the constant pain inside. There was a gentle warmth, a comforting cocoon, in the company of people from a past not so long ago. A shield from the cold loneliness inside. And there was the faint taste of wild, wild hope. To sweeten the bitterness of reality.
P.S. Got a really good collection of AD songs from Rommel. Next post on the lyrics of a song that really got me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Broken
Can't really remember when was the last time, I felt so desperately, so totally, so completely helpless! I really can't.
My computer's broken, so can't work, can't play, can't LIVE.
My bike's broken, so gotta resort to cycling to work and back.
My cycle's broken, so gotta walk/hitch a ride to work and back.
My peace and calm at home's broken, so I feel miserable, even at home.
My work life's broken, so the best I can do is to bear with it.
My personal life's broken, so there is no peace within.
My finances are broken, so there is no refuge in gormandizing.
My sleep's broken, so I can't run away to my fantasy world.
Pretty much everything I can think of, is broken in my life, as of now. Pretty much everything.
But I guess one of the things that isn't broken, yet, is my Will. My will to wear fate out, and force her to my terms. What isn't broken, is my Dream. My dream to be the man I want to be, to do the things I want to do. What hasn't given in yet, is my Faith. My faith, in the ability of the man in the mirror, to bounce back from the lowest lows, in the worst of the times.
But I wonder, how much longer, will they stand...
My computer's broken, so can't work, can't play, can't LIVE.
My bike's broken, so gotta resort to cycling to work and back.
My cycle's broken, so gotta walk/hitch a ride to work and back.
My peace and calm at home's broken, so I feel miserable, even at home.
My work life's broken, so the best I can do is to bear with it.
My personal life's broken, so there is no peace within.
My finances are broken, so there is no refuge in gormandizing.
My sleep's broken, so I can't run away to my fantasy world.
Pretty much everything I can think of, is broken in my life, as of now. Pretty much everything.
But I guess one of the things that isn't broken, yet, is my Will. My will to wear fate out, and force her to my terms. What isn't broken, is my Dream. My dream to be the man I want to be, to do the things I want to do. What hasn't given in yet, is my Faith. My faith, in the ability of the man in the mirror, to bounce back from the lowest lows, in the worst of the times.
But I wonder, how much longer, will they stand...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Scared...
Must have had a bad, bad dream. Woke up with a start, and out of the blue, for no apparent reason, this song by Ark, was playing in my head. Checked the time. It was just a shade past three. And for the next half an hour, or so, could not get it out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. Especially, these couple of lines :
Aajker raate tumi onner hobe,
Bhaabtei jole chokh bhije jaaye.
Eto koshto keno bhalobashai, eto koshto keno bhalobashai...
Translated :
Tonight you will become someone else's,
And even thinking about this brings tears to my eyes.
Why is there so much of pain in love, why is there so much of pain in love...
Can't explain it, but since then, I can feel this little dark, gloomy corner in my heart. I wonder, how painful it must be, to so helplessly love someone, that you just can't stop. And yet, never ever have it in your destiny, to be with her.
Come to think of it, I guess I know how that feels. A long time back, rushed all the way back from Kolkata to Bangalore, just because the woman I wanted to be with, but was giving advice instead on being with another on New Year's Eve under the mistletoe, was starting to take my advice seriously! (Yeah, I know, I am messed up all right). I remember feeling anxious, helpless, disgusted with myself for being such a coward. But above all, I remember feeling very, very scared.
Aajker raate tumi onner hobe,
Bhaabtei jole chokh bhije jaaye.
Eto koshto keno bhalobashai, eto koshto keno bhalobashai...
Translated :
Tonight you will become someone else's,
And even thinking about this brings tears to my eyes.
Why is there so much of pain in love, why is there so much of pain in love...
Can't explain it, but since then, I can feel this little dark, gloomy corner in my heart. I wonder, how painful it must be, to so helplessly love someone, that you just can't stop. And yet, never ever have it in your destiny, to be with her.
Come to think of it, I guess I know how that feels. A long time back, rushed all the way back from Kolkata to Bangalore, just because the woman I wanted to be with, but was giving advice instead on being with another on New Year's Eve under the mistletoe, was starting to take my advice seriously! (Yeah, I know, I am messed up all right). I remember feeling anxious, helpless, disgusted with myself for being such a coward. But above all, I remember feeling very, very scared.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Pujo Eshechhe!
Its been a while, since I last blogged. Didn't get that itch to pen down my thoughts. Moreover, anything that becomes routine, gets boring. But it took a heady combination of changing weather, the Pujo atmosphere, and some long lost memories, to get me back to the writing table.
The internet connection at home decided to play hide and seek on Saturday, and neither did I have a decent book to keep me distracted, nor a friend to hang out with. So, I got down to tidying up my computer. Moving music and movies around, renaming them, deleting obsolete files, in other words, fussing over details that I had stopped worrying about, as soon as I passed ICSE! And ever since, I have been stuck in this time warp.
Memories, unmade conversations, unshared jokes. A deluge of them. And after a long, long time, a complete absence of unpleasant and sad thoughts. Even I was left wondering.
Tony and RD, writing silly stupid programs in BASIC. Dreaming of becoming the long haired, pizza chomping, beer guzzling, torn-jeans wearing Yahoo employees!
Listening to Eminem at full blast, screaming out his lyrics, hours before each of my board exams.
Curled up in my musty, cobweb shrouded, damp ridden room, next to the window, with the warm, comforting smell of two hundred books emanating from my almirah, reading anything that I could lay my hands on.
The first of many, surprise visits of Madhu and Pintu, while I was enduring the Single Worst year of my life, first year in college.
Hanging out on T's terrace, sipping tea, wondering at her crazy graphology interest, and chatting away our We-Got-Dumped blues.
The wild, wild exploration of dazzling, glittering Laarh Bazar in Hyderabad, with V.
The unending pastry binges with G, while dreaming about a better future, and bitching about the miserable present, simultaneously.
Star gazing with R, atop the Water Tank, at 3 in the morning, taking comfort in each others insecurities and fears.
These and so much, much more. After a long time, a strong yearning, to relive those moments again. To run them on slow-mo this time round, so I could literally feel them, let them caress my mind and soul, on their way out. To be an outsider, watching a happy scene of a play.
Its been three days since I started this post. And in typical RD fashion, my mood's swung between the extremes. Started off as over-the-top happy, and by last night, I was choking on the pain, the void, the misery of being all alone. Lying on my bed, staring up at the street lamp patterns on the fan, had this crazy, sudden feeling, to just throw up. Throw up on all this pain, this loneliness, this suffocation. I want to hold my head in my hands, and cry. Let the tears blur away the harsh reality of it all, and leave a clean beginning to start all over again.
The internet connection at home decided to play hide and seek on Saturday, and neither did I have a decent book to keep me distracted, nor a friend to hang out with. So, I got down to tidying up my computer. Moving music and movies around, renaming them, deleting obsolete files, in other words, fussing over details that I had stopped worrying about, as soon as I passed ICSE! And ever since, I have been stuck in this time warp.
Memories, unmade conversations, unshared jokes. A deluge of them. And after a long, long time, a complete absence of unpleasant and sad thoughts. Even I was left wondering.
Tony and RD, writing silly stupid programs in BASIC. Dreaming of becoming the long haired, pizza chomping, beer guzzling, torn-jeans wearing Yahoo employees!
Listening to Eminem at full blast, screaming out his lyrics, hours before each of my board exams.
Curled up in my musty, cobweb shrouded, damp ridden room, next to the window, with the warm, comforting smell of two hundred books emanating from my almirah, reading anything that I could lay my hands on.
The first of many, surprise visits of Madhu and Pintu, while I was enduring the Single Worst year of my life, first year in college.
Hanging out on T's terrace, sipping tea, wondering at her crazy graphology interest, and chatting away our We-Got-Dumped blues.
The wild, wild exploration of dazzling, glittering Laarh Bazar in Hyderabad, with V.
The unending pastry binges with G, while dreaming about a better future, and bitching about the miserable present, simultaneously.
Star gazing with R, atop the Water Tank, at 3 in the morning, taking comfort in each others insecurities and fears.
These and so much, much more. After a long time, a strong yearning, to relive those moments again. To run them on slow-mo this time round, so I could literally feel them, let them caress my mind and soul, on their way out. To be an outsider, watching a happy scene of a play.
Its been three days since I started this post. And in typical RD fashion, my mood's swung between the extremes. Started off as over-the-top happy, and by last night, I was choking on the pain, the void, the misery of being all alone. Lying on my bed, staring up at the street lamp patterns on the fan, had this crazy, sudden feeling, to just throw up. Throw up on all this pain, this loneliness, this suffocation. I want to hold my head in my hands, and cry. Let the tears blur away the harsh reality of it all, and leave a clean beginning to start all over again.
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