Embracing The Past, And Loving The Future

It isn't easy to just wake up one day, and do something that you have been evading for the better part of the last 8 odd years. The inertia holds you back, if for no other reason, but just because. And if you are an RD, well, you also have to get over the innumerable self doubts, that you have cultivated, in all those hours spent alone, introspecting. And so, it wasn't easy for me to agree meeting up with Chini, when she suddenly called up Sunday morning, to let me know she was in town!

I have spent a lot of time evading my past, to put it lightly. For no apparent reason. I find excuses not to meet people, I was once great friends with. I deliberately forget to return calls from folks I once spent hours talking over the phone with. And in some extreme cases, I quite avoid passing by neighbourhoods, I once spent a majority of my evenings in. Yeah, yeah. I am your typical slime ball, scum bag, in person!

But there was something about Chini (or was it Mary??? [;)] ). There was always, something about Chini. She was comfortable to be around with, disarming warm smile, and an interesting thought process. I should know. After all, I spent countless afternoons, balancing math on one hand, and her and Ranga's idea of Lets Have Some Fun With The Geek, on the other.

And so, I decided to make an exception to the rule, and meet up with her. Though I spent the entire travelling time, from my home to the mall, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. The awkward unpleasant silences after pretty much having exhausted asking about all the common friends and acquaintances. The foot in the mouth moment while making small talk. The uncomfortable questions about what I am doing with my life. And these were the good scenarios! No wonder, it was with mild misgivings, that I entered Crosswords, looking for my old friend.

But the moment I met her, it was almost as if I had stepped into another world. Just two good, old friends, meeting up after ages. There we were, sitting at a Barista, talkng, laughing, joking, grossing each other out, and doing everything possible to be generally obnoxious to people around us. And surprisingly, I was Loving It! It was almost as if I was back in school! Below Mr. D's house, on hot, sweaty summer afternoons, sitting on a wooden charpoi, chatting away to glory without a care in the world, trying hard to be funny, grateful for everytime I could get Chi to laugh. I was back in my elements. I was back to being the good, old vintage me.

The next couple of hours were delightful. I realized that although she has changed quite a bit in these last couple of years, the changes were not bothering me at all. We could still chat for hours, laugh over silly jokes, and have a good time. None of the good things had changed.

Chini's train was delayed by a couple of hours. And as worrisome as she is, we ended up spending 3 odd hours at the station. And this was when, I got to know a new Chi. We were done talking about all the people we knew, back at AG. All the news had been traded. We were eerily close to the point I dread, when meeting old friends. The so what else, part. When all the conversation has dried up, and you are down to uncomfortable small talk.

But instead, we just found so many different things to talk about. In between a million cups of chai, with the setting sun and the transient ambiance of a partially busy railway station, I discovered a new person in her. I discovered a woman with dreams and aspirations. A girl with anxieties and insecurities about her future, much like my own. But above all, I rediscovered a friend. Sitting there on the platform, comfortably yapping away, happy at being a center of lethargy, bang in the middle of all the usual hustle and bustle, I wanted time to pause a while, so I could catch a breather, and soak it all in. Soak it all in, long enough, deep enough.

As I waved Chi goodbye and was walking back to the parking lot, I realized that all my insecurities, my self doubts, had miraculously resurfaced. No sooner had I turned around, I was wondering if she was more relieved than sorry, at finally getting rid of me. If I had been entertaining enough. Or worse, if I had failed to do anything that is expected of a friend. I guess, some things just don't change that much after all. However, I also found myself humming a couple of lines of a Boyzone song.

An old friend called the other day
And wasn't quite sure what to say
Didn't seem to know me anymore
And I said
Don't treat me like I'm someone new
I'm still the same one you used to talk to
But all I need from you friend
Is good conversation
Is good conversation
To put my mind at ease