My Emotionality

Its definitely an insult, and there's no question about it. No. None at all. However, what remains to be answered is, why couldn't they be a little more subtle about it? Zor ka jhadka, dheere se lagta.

So, it all started when Ms. Na(Iyer) and The N, let me know, that they thought I was a very Emotional kinda guy! I was like, What??? I wouldn't mind an Ass. I wouldn't mind a Jerk. I wouldn't even mind a Loser. Those can all be repackaged as something of a compliment, in a sense that the Complimentor wouldn't even have intended. But think about it. An Emotional Guy? Jeez! I can't think of even a single comback from that!

And so, I decided to go about proving to these two silly women, that RD is NOT an Emotional Person. Don't ask me why it hit so hard, but it did. So I stopped wishing good morning to all and sundry that I meet from 8 in the morning, to well past noon. I substituted a smirk for my smile. The usually flippant compliments that I usually dish out in plenty, were shelved in the back burner. To sum it up, I tried to imitate the more conventional, the more acceptable (though prejudiced) behaviour of the people of my sex.

Now before you go off wondering if I am seriously as loony as I sound, hold on. This was just a joke for me. Been in an emotional roller coaster for a while, and well, nothing better than some role playing, to get the good, ol' RD, back up and about.

But the funny part was, it didn't work. No. No. Let me rephrase that. It couldn't have worked. I had probably got it all mixed up in my head (and why doesn't that surprise me no more?) I wasn't really trying to get rid of the Emotional tag. No. Don't think so. I was trying to get rid of the implications that are brought on, by that word. Yes. That sounds closer to the truth.

You see, in my mind, I have word associations. Some words are good, and some words are bad. And what is the logic behind this classification, you ask me? None. Absolutely None. Nada. Zilch. The classifications are derived from my subconscious. No logic. No sense. Just impulse. And in my mind, Emotional is the same as Weak. And that is classified Bad.

So, there I was, trying to prove to myself that I was a Strong, Angry Young Man (what was I thinking, Amitabh Bachhan???), with not a care in the world. But the irony of it all was, that I was the opposite, the perfect anti Hero, of the guy I was trying to be! I am RD. Which means, that by definition, I am none of those cool things. I am weak, I am old, I can't take nothing seriously, I laugh hysterically when I am under stress, I am the funny guy you love to hang out with when your down and low and then move on when you feel better. I am all these things and more. And somewhere deep down inside, I think I have been running away from it, for quite a while now.

Was thinking about these things, for a major part of Sunday. Spent a lot of time, in that quasi sleepy mode, when you are half aware of everything around you, but not completely. Nice, dreamy, slow state of mind. That's when a lot of stuff goes through my head, and I try and think things through. Didn't help much, but I felt a little better about being me. I still harbour the same insecurities, the same prejudices, the same flawed outlook on life. But in a weird way, it doesn't feel so bad no more!