My Rants...

I feel like am an Automaton. And no, I don't use that word as a joke here, I mean it. Yesterday was the fourth consecutive day, when I ended up with a very unusual (read : unRD'ish) day. Lots and lots of things, just didn't make sense. This is not me. This cannot be me! Having spent 25 odd years with myself, I think I know what it feels like, being me. And the last coupla days, have so not been the same! Ok, wait. Before I start senselessly ranting, let me jot down my thoughts objectively. Maybe, it will help me clear my head, maybe it will simply serve as the catalyst I need, to set things right, again.

Now, what convinced me that something wasn't the way it should be, were :
(a) Eating only one square meal a day and not feeling hungry. And though I am known to skip meals often, this is unheard of, even by RD Standards. Only breakfast. And not even feeling it. Not like me. Not like me at all.

(b) No Dreaming. And this is the part that hurts the most. Curled up under the bed reading a Three Investigators book; a decade back, or working late in the night tapping away at some ungainly javascript; now, my dreams have always been there with me. I can dream with my eyes open, I can dream while speaking to someone (when my brains shuts off), I can dream while riding, I can dream while pretty much doing anything. I have a pathological need for them, my dreams. Its my escape from the drab world that I am often forced to be a part of. But for the last coupla days, I can't even replay my dreams in my mind!

(c) No Working. I usually put in a solid coupla hours at work, after I get home. Just keeps me going. The mind numbing Bozocity that I have to bear throughout the day, saps me of my enthusiasm and energy, and I have to rely on my working at home, to rejuvenate myself. And yes, you've guessed it. Haven't been working at all, lately.

(d) Sleeping Early. I did all my sleeping that I could possibly need for a good whole lifetime, in my first, miserable year at college. I had no computer, I had no family, I had no friends. My only refuge then, was sleeping, and sleep I did. Like a drunk. But ever since I got out of there, I don't sleep much. Or atleast, not to the same extent as I used to, for that one year. But day before yesterday, I slept almost 12 hours, at a stretch, and I regularly doze off, in the afternoon as well.

What amuses me is, the fact that I am aware of this all, and yet, I just don't feel like doing anything about it. Absolutely nothing. I know that all I gotta do is just start doing things from my regular routine, force the mind to listen to the will, and it will all be good and fine, before long. But I couldn't.

The other day, woke up really early in the morning, while REM was singing Losing My Religion, and tried very hard to think things through, sort things out. But nothing materialized. I couldn't even get my mind to concentrate. Kept getting distracted. Finally, irritated, I gave up, and went back to sleep.

The whole idea of writing it all down, was to take another shot at it. Maybe, now I will feel humiliated to get things back on track. Maybe, I will feel the need to prove that I am in Control of my life, and get back to being me. Or maybe, it was all a waste of time. Just another outlet for the egotistical, emotionally dependent scumbag me. I don't know.