Somewhere I (Un)Belong

A couple of disjointed lines from a song by one of my favourite Bangla Bands, Fossils, should pretty much sum up, what I wish to write about.

Fossils - Ekla Ghor
"Ei Ekla Ghor Amaar Desh, Amaar Ekla Thhakaar Obbhesh... Bondhuder bhire'o ekla ekla aami khunje phiri lokkho amaar, paaltaachhe na ei obostha'ta, jodio paalte jaaowa'r dorkar"

Translation : "This lonely room is my Home, Its my habbit to live alone... Even among a crowd of friends, I keep searching for my goal (meaning in life), and the situation just refuses to change, though a change is highly anticipated and needed"



This is what was running through my mind in a rush, blocking everything out, Saturday night. Unexplained. Unexpected. A sudden stampede of a chain of thought, that completely broke down my already fragile emotional state of mind. I went from teeming excitement, to utter depression, in a matter of just a coupla minutes, and the reason still eludes me, even after thinking about it all, for 2 days.

I was with a group of people, who are the closest to what I can call My Friends, the mood was jovial, and everything was good and fun. I personally, wasn't in any particularly foul mood. Was doing decently good with my people skills as well. Heck! These were my friends. I shouldn't even be worried about my skills, interacting with them. But I wasn't taking any chances. I had planned this one through. No glitches. I was going to be nice. I was going to be funny. I was going to be chatty. I will keep myself occupied, and not let my mind run away, chasing some fancy, destructive ideas. Having fun, would be a Bonus! And as I said, I was doing pretty good.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I started going down, like a heavy stone in a river. Hurtling full speed, into the depths of depression. Sinking and sinking bad. And I mean, Real Bad. All my thoughts just went zilch in no time, and I started struggling to even get into the conversation happening around me! Gradually, the voices started to fade out, and I was left alone, screaming in my mind. Screaming, SCREAMING, SCREAMING!

I Don't Belong Here. These are a group of strangers, and I don't even know them! Maybe I knew them, in a distant past. Maybe I even liked them, back then. But not now, not here. I don't even want to know them. I feel so, I feel so, so Lonely. I don't deserve this. This is my vaccation, Goddamnit. I should be enjoying it. But I can't. I want to throw up. I want to throw up till there's nothing inside of me. I want to get up, and start running. Keep running, till I drop down. I don't know where to, I don't know how far. I don't wanna know. I don't care. As long as its away from here. Far, far Away.

It had happened before, and it was happening again. Out of nowhere, the question of what the hell I was doing there, at that point of time, with that bunch of people, loomed large, and I had no answer. I mean, ofcourse I was there with my friends. And obviously, I was having a good time. But that hollow creepy feeling won't go away. Nor would the screaming voice. I tried concentrating on the conversation around me, I tried thinking of the pleasant things that had happened to me. I tried them all. Nothing worked.

However, I did manage to overcome the intense desire to run away from it all. I had made a gritty promise to myself, that no matter what happened, I won't run away. I'll face it, whatever it is. I'll stay and fight. The fact, that this was late in the night, in the middle of a jungle, and I had no access to any form of transport, helped keep my resolve. But it was closely fought. I needed a lot of that silly stupid thing that people call will power, to keep myself from doing more harm than I had already done.

Quietly got me into bed, slept it off, and well, was better on Sunday morning. But the bitter aftertaste lingers on. I don't think I can let this pass lightly. Its getting serious. Its getting repetitive. Worst part is, I think I have some clues about the root cause. But its so downright dark and dirty, that I even refuse to think about it. But maybe I should. Maybe I should, real quick.

And till then, my conquest of the man inside, must continue.