Motorcycle Monologues - IV

Have you ever stood in front of a crowd to speak, and then had a feeeling, that your stomach just did a somersault into the pits of Hell? Or, you were crouching to start that all important race, and your limbs feel like jelly?

If you nodded to either of those queries, you would know how I felt, as I approached her house. There was this intense desire, to just turn around, and run away. Errrr, Ride away, I guess. My head was buzzing, and there was this crazy, psycotic churning in my tummy. Like a vaccum, sucking me inside out!

But over the years, I have learnt to overcome such 'difficulties'. The trick is to keep on MOVING. Yes, movement. You need to keep on moving, physically. I think its one of those neurotic things. You keep your body moving, and the repetative, rehearsed movements of your body, have this soothing effect on your mind! Freaky? You bet...

So, I decide to ride around her house a coupla times, to calm the jumpiness inside. Its never a good idea to rush into important things, with clammy palms, and a squeaky voice sounding like a squirrel on high Octane energy drinks! Bad. Bad. Moreoever, its just not RD's style.

Being a believer of the Silva's method <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silva_Method>, I decided to first practise a bit of it, before approaching my 'subject'! And by now, you have correctly figured out, that I was Desperate (with a Capital 'D') to make this thing work. Life's so incomplete without Her. I mean, I so like to make her laugh, hear the sound of her voice, feel her heart beat next to mine, feel her breath on my face. I am so used to it. So, so used to it. Never really thought I would come to miss it so!

I mean, I am RD after all. Women have never been tough to find, or fall for. But never before has it hurt so much. The pain is intense. The urge to have her back, is like nothing I have ever felt before. And it is this feeling, that makes me believe that if I cannot get this woman to share my life with me, I will probably regret it, for a long, long time to come.

I have rehearsed my lines a hundred million times. I know just exactly what I want to tell her. Its simple. Its the Truth. No ego. No false pride. Just plain, simple, naked me. No unnecessary baggage. No pretense. The moment she opens the door, am gonna look her in the eyes. Unflinching. If there is even a hint of hurt, or pain in those beautiful, serene eyes of hers, I will go right ahead, and tell her how I feel, wihtout her in my life. Simple. True. And so, nothing could go wrong.

The door's open, the smell of freshly sawed wood hangs in the air like a fog, enveloping all other smells that emanate from a typical domestic household. Its a little disillusioning. According to one of the principles of Silva's Method, you visualise what you are about to do, in as much detail as you can. I had. And this new, unexpected smell, was NOT a part of it. Definitely No. That's the problem with over preparation. One thing out of place, and your whole confidence level, comes crashing down!

My heart is thumping like a steam piston with a soul of its own. The buzzing in my ears is louder than ever. I think its slowly moving, towards my head now. In some obscure corner of my mind, a now 'relegated to the sidelines RD' is screaming, no no, screeching, for me to turn back, while there's still time. My feet hesitate, and its with the greatest measures of willpower that I manage to reach out, and knock on the ajar door.

I don't like this. Not a bit. Something is wrong. It doesn't smell right. It doesn't feel right. Things are spinning a little. I think I am dizzy with this unease. And before I could turn back, and run outta the door, her mother is there, smiling at me, after it took her a coupla seconds to recognize me, with all the facial hair and all. By now, I really can't feel or hear anything. Its like am watching this whole scene unfurl, from a detached perspective. I hear myself mumble somehthing that was as close to Latin, as anything I know. And somewhere, in the middle of all that confusion, uncertainity and turmoil, I thought I made out her mom say something about her staying back at Bangalore, for the weekend.

Crash!!!