Its Poe!

Discovered this book at Saurav's. And the memories came rushing in.

I first heard Poe (and also heard "of" Poe) in class 7, when Noel Pinto (Podgy) bellowed and thumped and mesmerized us all, to win the English Elocution Contest of 1996. And Tell-Tale-Heart became my first Poe experience. At that point of time, I was merely interested in the recitation opportunities of his works. I guess, I wanted to emulate Noel, and couldn't think of a better source, to start looking for prose that would catapult me into the world of hot, desirable, high school elocution heroes! Ummm ok, so that was a little exaggerated, but you get the drift.

After about a year, by when my wild fantasies of hitting the popularity charts by way of Poe's works had all but dissipated, I got reacquainted with his writing. Some folks had set up a small book exhibition in the school library, and I gave them the money I had diligently saved up for the last coupla months to buy something nice and impressive for the girl I had a crush on, in exchange of a collection of Poe's writings. Though, I must admit, that there were a lot of mixed feelings, when I was parting with my hard earned money!

And my interest in him, has not waned since. There is something in his writing that I can't quite explain. But everytime I get back to it, there's something new in there for me to discover. Whether be it Dupin's ratiocination, or the guilty beating of the tale telling heart, Poe's stories always had me reading breathlessly, transported into the world he weaved for his readers. Immeresed in the feelings that he wants us to feel. There has never been a dull moment while reading his works.

So, as I start reading a work of fiction, based on the events leading up to, and causing his untimely death, I couldn't help but remember one of the heroes of my childhood. It is amusing, how some lost memories, insignificant thoughts, come rushing in without any notice and give you a moment of unadulterated joy!

All Over Again!

The last two weeks or so, have been characterized by a very painfully apparent loneliness. No prizes for guessing, that this also coincided with D's London visit. Long hours of giggly, loud, happy telephone conversations were replaced by the drone of snoring. Excessive, or rather Obsessive (yes, that sounds more appropriate) flips of the phone to check for messages, have given way to utter apathy towards the same device. And I am hitting the Refresh button of my mail windows, atleast 95% fewer times! Welcome to my world of Long Distance Frrraandship, getting even longer.

But NO. This post is not about feeling lonely, or blue, or anything bad. On the contrary, this is about Hope. This is about the skip of my heartbeat, everytime I realize that its less than a week now. This is about the evil, presumptuous pleasure, of Anticipation.

Yes. Right now, there are very few things that are so constantly, totally, overwhelmingly running through my mind. And the idea of having D back to a more approachable and available location, is pretty high up, among them! Yes, I think I am just about ready to start getting to know D, all over again!

Mortality And RD!

Its been quite an atypical Sunday for me! Well, not only did I make an honest attempt at cleaning up my room, I also had these very weird, morbid thoughts of what happens to my dreams, my people, my passion, if tomorrow, suddenly I were to die?!? You know, just like that. In the blink of an eye! Whoosh! Gone! What happens then, to everyone and everything that's left behind?

Couldn't really find any concrete answers, really. There were none, and I kept going around in circles, which obviously didn't help. But what did happen, was that I realized that I need to really start to make the most out of each and every moment of my life. Steve Jobs had said the same, in his now famous speech, but it didn't really make much sense to me, till today.

Time really is running out for everyone, and the worst part is, you never know, how much of it is left. If you gotta do something, NOW is the best time to do it. You wanna go learn that musical instrument? Start today. Always wanted to touch the remains of Machu Picchu? Don't wait till your retired at 60. Wanted to start that company? Been waiting to tell her how you feel about her? Go on. Now is as good a time as any, if not better. Don't wait. Who knows, it might never come to pass, if you wait too long...

U Turn?

Had a wonderful ride in the morning. From home to my dayjob. It was cold, it was foggy, and somehow, it reminded me of Cal. Home. Thoughts, that somehow, inevitably manage to bring a smile to my face! ALWAYS!

So it was, that with these thoughts of home in my mind, I turned on the radio, and caught them playing The Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway. And there was something in that sound, that totally managed to transport me back in time. Effortlessly. It was, as if, I had woken up, and found myself in class 3, Mrs. Meena Mukherjee's class. Alongside Rupak and Rupesh. Enthusiastic about life. Almost expectant. Happy.

Those of you who have followed these mindless rants of mine, are no stranger to my almost compulsive Pastophobia! Weird, because though I had a self confessed misspent youth, nothing really warrants such an extreme negative reaction towards the past. No jail term, no substance abuse charges, no parental discord, no illegitimate biological offsprings. And yet, something about the life gone by, makes me not want to look back at it, with any fondness, that most people my age feel. And everytime I come across someone who talks well of his past, it makes me feel weird. As if, a chunk of my own life disappeared into a coma or something!

So, when today I felt I had travelled back in time, I almost, involuntarily braced myself up for one of the heavier bouts of pastophobia to hit home. But surprisingly, it didn't. I didn't feel any remorse at spending time in class3 doing the things I did. None at all. Infact, I had this warm, good, happy feeling! Strange. Strange! This phenomenon definitely demanded further investigation. After all, its unnatural for RD to feel this way!

I warily started to walk down the proverbial memory lane. Tentative at first. Small little steps. Not overreaching. Not pushing my luck, over this surprisingly happy discovery, too far... And well, I was happy I did. Realized, there ARE parts of my life, that I wouldn't mind revisiting. Happy moments. Good times. And after all these years of believing that I couldn't have come up with a montage of Hey That's ME! That's ME! moments from the last 20 odd years, it was a positively enlightening realization. Really was. And before I relapsed into my usual self flagellating self, decided to document this unnatural phenomenon, to be remembered by RD Followers, into eternity...

Logic Is Not Always The Best Yardstick, Or So Says RD!

So, am sitting here, staring out of the window at the grey, overcast skies. These few days (hopefully my last) at my current day job, have been very unproductive in all counts. Nothing, Absolutely Nothing of value has been created, solved, or worked upon, as far as I am concerned. Frequent mood swings, and restless habits that take time to shrug off, have contributed to this, in no small extent.

Anyways, my latest crib about the world around me, has less to do with the event that triggered it, and more with another, much deeper inner conflict, that has bothered me over the years. I guess, the incident was just the proverbial last straw that broke the camel's back. Though the phrasing has an ominous sound to it, be rest assured, all is well.

So The D will be visiting family, and the trip details have all worked out and all. Was pretty excited about it, as she had to wait long and hard, to get things done. And then, had this sudden urge to surprise her with a visit. You know, the typical RD Thinga! Pack a set of clothes, get on a bus, get to her house and ring the bell, while trying hard to keep the "So-Whose-The-Man-Huh-Huh" grin, on! Called up the trusted duo of M and P to arrange for the finances and the logistics. That's when, it occured to me, that staying in D's city is a problem. And no matter how hard I tried, couldn't come up with a hack to that. Eventually, decided to give up on the Surprise Factor, and spoke to her about it. I was already planning ahead, working out the logistics in my head. Certain, that asking The D to work out a solution, was a mere formality. She'd be resourceful enough to come up with a hack.

And that's when things played out, against the script. Realized, that she wouldn't really want me around. No. That's not entirely correct. Ok, let me rephrase that. She would surely love to have me around, but given the whole scenario, the answer to RD's being there or not, was a hesitant, reluctant, No. Hesitant and reluctant. But a No, nonetheless.

And it hurt. RD is quite sensitive about not imposing on someone. Stigma, from a past, better left forgotten. So, he makes an extra effort, to ensure that he doesn't get himself into a situation that even mildly makes him feel unwanted. And here, due to a gross miscalculation, for which there was no one else to blame, he was in a situation that he tries very hard, to avoid. The realization was so sudden, that there was no time to make a graceful exit either. It was a rout, without even a vestige of dignity!

Even by my biased interpretation of facts, its obvious that it was a mistake at my end. It is totally unacceptable, to presume reactions of others. It more often than not, results in impending disaster. And if I were to logically analyze it, I'd rubbish the whole incident as a trivial conversation, to be forgotten pretty much as soon as its over.

But that is where the conflict plays up. The conflict between what you should do, and what you eventually end up doing. The D has impeccable logic on her side. No doubt about it. I'd have suggested the same, given the constraints at hand. I'd arrive at the same conclusion, without an iota of doubt. But at the same time, I can't help feeling a little empty inside. Wondering, if I'd have done the same, had I been in her shoes.

That line in itself betrays a flawed logic. Even without giving it considerable thought, I can think of a number of counter arguments, to prove that its selfish, illogical, egotistical, to say the very least. And yet, I find no solace in that. It still hurts. It does.

Changes

How long does it take you, to become the guy you hated to be? A Year? A coupla years? Half a lifetime? Take your pick. But don't you deny the fact, that sometimes, in your own comfortable, cozy, little world, you too have become a monster you Never, Ever thought you could become.

Lately, this thought has been haunting me. I have good enough reasons to believe, that slowly, yet surely, I am turning into the person, I had vowed not to become, as a child. And strangely, I feel helpless in stopping this juggernaut!

Today I was giving some gyaan to Deepti (Bose), about the need to verbalize things that bother us. This supposedly helps us sort them out. And well, if you are slightly "touched" in the head, like Yours Truly, you can actually look back after years, and laugh at all the things that bothered you, back in the day. So, I thought, well, why not talk about all the things that I have been thinking about lately, that have been making me miserable. Atleast, that way, if I ever discover the wisdom to learn from my past, I will have something to fall back on.

1. Stop bothering D about moving. I have put myself in her shoes, and honestly, I am surprised that she hasn't hit out at me, yet! I know, I would have. So, STOP. Things have fallen into place quite nicely, till now. No particular reason to believe that they won't, in the near future. By pushing her, I only increase the probability of alienating her, disillusioning her about a relatively big and important decision in her life.
2. Stop taking Madhudi and Pintuda for granted. This has been on the agenda for a while now, and to give some credit to myself, I think I have also succeeded, to a small extent. Just gotta carry on with the good work.
3. Start to extensively live, breathe, eat, drink, sleep CN! For a while, looking around for alternative day job opportunities had distracted me. And now, when I feel that my day has been incomplete and empty, I realize what I have been missing. The sooner I can get back to My Baby, the better it will be, for all concerned.
4. Stop worrying about things that are beyond my control. There has been some undue pressure from the latest employer, that has got me worried. Can't remember a time in the past, when I was so worried about such trivial things. So, why should I lose sleep over it now? No point in giving more importance to things, than they truly deserve. Have a Goal. Gotta keep moving towards it. Rest is all happenstance!

I guess, if I could work on these, for the next coupla weeks, I should be doing fine. And while I was writing this, I remembered, that a while back, I had written this, and it brought a smile to my face, to realize, that I have managed to mend most of those things, that were broken in my life, back then. There IS Hope yet. This too shall pass, am sure of that.

Back To The Blues

Well, it seems like no matter how hard I try, I am never too far from the next Depression Cycle. Though this was a pretty long run that I had, as is evident from the date of the last blog post. And yes, I am one of those fatalistic Fraud Bongs (do I have to be politically correct in my own blog???) who only feels like writing when things are down in the dumps!

So, well, its that time of the year again, when I get very edgy. Pujas are around, and there's a feeling in the air. Can't explain, but something's different. The sunshine feels warmer, the wind is not chilly but it is refereshingly cold, the birds chirp that bit sweeter. Nature seems poised to welcome the Goddess, and yet, the contrast with what I feel inside, couldn't have been starker! Felt similar, last year round. But then, I managed to crash in at Rommel's. That was some relief. But now that I AM at Rommel's, what now? Where do I run to now?

When I try and look inside, all I can see is the desire to run away. Run far, far away. One part of me, simply disgusts me. The fact that I am even writing this here, spewing all the dark, blue inside, when everyone around me is so happy and cheerful, is reason enough. While another, just watches, amused by the stupidity of it all.

If I can't run away, can't I atleast hide under the bed and sulk? Please? With comfort in the knowledge that MnP are just sitting around in another room, and D is only a couple of minutes away? Please? Please? Please? I don't wanna be alone this Pujas. I don't wanna try and fill up the empty loneliness inside, with empty crowds outside. It doesn't work for me. It JUST DOESN'T WORK FOR ME!