Nothing Serious

Its Poe!

2009-12-26T23:01:00.000-08:00

Discovered this book at Saurav's. And the memories came rushing in.

I first heard Poe (and also heard "of" Poe) in class 7, when Noel Pinto (Podgy) bellowed and thumped and mesmerized us all, to win the English Elocution Contest of 1996. And Tell-Tale-Heart became my first Poe experience. At that point of time, I was merely interested in the recitation opportunities of his works. I guess, I wanted to emulate Noel, and couldn't think of a better source, to start looking for prose that would catapult me into the world of hot, desirable, high school elocution heroes! Ummm ok, so that was a little exaggerated, but you get the drift.

After about a year, by when my wild fantasies of hitting the popularity charts by way of Poe's works had all but dissipated, I got reacquainted with his writing. Some folks had set up a small book exhibition in the school library, and I gave them the money I had diligently saved up for the last coupla months to buy something nice and impressive for the girl I had a crush on, in exchange of a collection of Poe's writings. Though, I must admit, that there were a lot of mixed feelings, when I was parting with my hard earned money!

And my interest in him, has not waned since. There is something in his writing that I can't quite explain. But everytime I get back to it, there's something new in there for me to discover. Whether be it Dupin's ratiocination, or the guilty beating of the tale telling heart, Poe's stories always had me reading breathlessly, transported into the world he weaved for his readers. Immeresed in the feelings that he wants us to feel. There has never been a dull moment while reading his works.

So, as I start reading a work of fiction, based on the events leading up to, and causing his untimely death, I couldn't help but remember one of the heroes of my childhood. It is amusing, how some lost memories, insignificant thoughts, come rushing in without any notice and give you a moment of unadulterated joy!

All Over Again!

2009-12-09T05:11:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks or so, have been characterized by a very painfully apparent loneliness. No prizes for guessing, that this also coincided with D's London visit. Long hours of giggly, loud, happy telephone conversations were replaced by the drone of snoring. Excessive, or rather Obsessive (yes, that sounds more appropriate) flips of the phone to check for messages, have given way to utter apathy towards the same device. And I am hitting the Refresh button of my mail windows, atleast 95% fewer times! Welcome to my world of Long Distance Frrraandship, getting even longer.

But NO. This post is not about feeling lonely, or blue, or anything bad. On the contrary, this is about Hope. This is about the skip of my heartbeat, everytime I realize that its less than a week now. This is about the evil, presumptuous pleasure, of Anticipation.

Yes. Right now, there are very few things that are so constantly, totally, overwhelmingly running through my mind. And the idea of having D back to a more approachable and available location, is pretty high up, among them! Yes, I think I am just about ready to start getting to know D, all over again!

Mortality And RD!

2009-11-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

Its been quite an atypical Sunday for me! Well, not only did I make an honest attempt at cleaning up my room, I also had these very weird, morbid thoughts of what happens to my dreams, my people, my passion, if tomorrow, suddenly I were to die?!? You know, just like that. In the blink of an eye! Whoosh! Gone! What happens then, to everyone and everything that's left behind?

Couldn't really find any concrete answers, really. There were none, and I kept going around in circles, which obviously didn't help. But what did happen, was that I realized that I need to really start to make the most out of each and every moment of my life. Steve Jobs had said the same, in his now famous speech, but it didn't really make much sense to me, till today.

Time really is running out for everyone, and the worst part is, you never know, how much of it is left. If you gotta do something, NOW is the best time to do it. You wanna go learn that musical instrument? Start today. Always wanted to touch the remains of Machu Picchu? Don't wait till your retired at 60. Wanted to start that company? Been waiting to tell her how you feel about her? Go on. Now is as good a time as any, if not better. Don't wait. Who knows, it might never come to pass, if you wait too long...

U Turn?

2009-11-26T06:07:00.001-08:00

Had a wonderful ride in the morning. From home to my dayjob. It was cold, it was foggy, and somehow, it reminded me of Cal. Home. Thoughts, that somehow, inevitably manage to bring a smile to my face! ALWAYS!

So it was, that with these thoughts of home in my mind, I turned on the radio, and caught them playing The Black Eyed Peas - Meet Me Halfway. And there was something in that sound, that totally managed to transport me back in time. Effortlessly. It was, as if, I had woken up, and found myself in class 3, Mrs. Meena Mukherjee's class. Alongside Rupak and Rupesh. Enthusiastic about life. Almost expectant. Happy.

Those of you who have followed these mindless rants of mine, are no stranger to my almost compulsive Pastophobia! Weird, because though I had a self confessed misspent youth, nothing really warrants such an extreme negative reaction towards the past. No jail term, no substance abuse charges, no parental discord, no illegitimate biological offsprings. And yet, something about the life gone by, makes me not want to look back at it, with any fondness, that most people my age feel. And everytime I come across someone who talks well of his past, it makes me feel weird. As if, a chunk of my own life disappeared into a coma or something!

So, when today I felt I had travelled back in time, I almost, involuntarily braced myself up for one of the heavier bouts of pastophobia to hit home. But surprisingly, it didn't. I didn't feel any remorse at spending time in class3 doing the things I did. None at all. Infact, I had this warm, good, happy feeling! Strange. Strange! This phenomenon definitely demanded further investigation. After all, its unnatural for RD to feel this way!

I warily started to walk down the proverbial memory lane. Tentative at first. Small little steps. Not overreaching. Not pushing my luck, over this surprisingly happy discovery, too far... And well, I was happy I did. Realized, there ARE parts of my life, that I wouldn't mind revisiting. Happy moments. Good times. And after all these years of believing that I couldn't have come up with a montage of Hey That's ME! That's ME! moments from the last 20 odd years, it was a positively enlightening realization. Really was. And before I relapsed into my usual self flagellating self, decided to document this unnatural phenomenon, to be remembered by RD Followers, into eternity...

Logic Is Not Always The Best Yardstick, Or So Says RD!

2009-11-19T08:58:00.000-08:00

So, am sitting here, staring out of the window at the grey, overcast skies. These few days (hopefully my last) at my current day job, have been very unproductive in all counts. Nothing, Absolutely Nothing of value has been created, solved, or worked upon, as far as I am concerned. Frequent mood swings, and restless habits that take time to shrug off, have contributed to this, in no small extent.

Anyways, my latest crib about the world around me, has less to do with the event that triggered it, and more with another, much deeper inner conflict, that has bothered me over the years. I guess, the incident was just the proverbial last straw that broke the camel's back. Though the phrasing has an ominous sound to it, be rest assured, all is well.

So The D will be visiting family, and the trip details have all worked out and all. Was pretty excited about it, as she had to wait long and hard, to get things done. And then, had this sudden urge to surprise her with a visit. You know, the typical RD Thinga! Pack a set of clothes, get on a bus, get to her house and ring the bell, while trying hard to keep the "So-Whose-The-Man-Huh-Huh" grin, on! Called up the trusted duo of M and P to arrange for the finances and the logistics. That's when, it occured to me, that staying in D's city is a problem. And no matter how hard I tried, couldn't come up with a hack to that. Eventually, decided to give up on the Surprise Factor, and spoke to her about it. I was already planning ahead, working out the logistics in my head. Certain, that asking The D to work out a solution, was a mere formality. She'd be resourceful enough to come up with a hack.

And that's when things played out, against the script. Realized, that she wouldn't really want me around. No. That's not entirely correct. Ok, let me rephrase that. She would surely love to have me around, but given the whole scenario, the answer to RD's being there or not, was a hesitant, reluctant, No. Hesitant and reluctant. But a No, nonetheless.

And it hurt. RD is quite sensitive about not imposing on someone. Stigma, from a past, better left forgotten. So, he makes an extra effort, to ensure that he doesn't get himself into a situation that even mildly makes him feel unwanted. And here, due to a gross miscalculation, for which there was no one else to blame, he was in a situation that he tries very hard, to avoid. The realization was so sudden, that there was no time to make a graceful exit either. It was a rout, without even a vestige of dignity!

Even by my biased interpretation of facts, its obvious that it was a mistake at my end. It is totally unacceptable, to presume reactions of others. It more often than not, results in impending disaster. And if I were to logically analyze it, I'd rubbish the whole incident as a trivial conversation, to be forgotten pretty much as soon as its over.

But that is where the conflict plays up. The conflict between what you should do, and what you eventually end up doing. The D has impeccable logic on her side. No doubt about it. I'd have suggested the same, given the constraints at hand. I'd arrive at the same conclusion, without an iota of doubt. But at the same time, I can't help feeling a little empty inside. Wondering, if I'd have done the same, had I been in her shoes.

That line in itself betrays a flawed logic. Even without giving it considerable thought, I can think of a number of counter arguments, to prove that its selfish, illogical, egotistical, to say the very least. And yet, I find no solace in that. It still hurts. It does.

Changes

2009-11-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

How long does it take you, to become the guy you hated to be? A Year? A coupla years? Half a lifetime? Take your pick. But don't you deny the fact, that sometimes, in your own comfortable, cozy, little world, you too have become a monster you Never, Ever thought you could become.

Lately, this thought has been haunting me. I have good enough reasons to believe, that slowly, yet surely, I am turning into the person, I had vowed not to become, as a child. And strangely, I feel helpless in stopping this juggernaut!

Today I was giving some gyaan to Deepti (Bose), about the need to verbalize things that bother us. This supposedly helps us sort them out. And well, if you are slightly "touched" in the head, like Yours Truly, you can actually look back after years, and laugh at all the things that bothered you, back in the day. So, I thought, well, why not talk about all the things that I have been thinking about lately, that have been making me miserable. Atleast, that way, if I ever discover the wisdom to learn from my past, I will have something to fall back on.

Stop bothering D about moving. I have put myself in her shoes, and honestly, I am surprised that she hasn't hit out at me, yet! I know, I would have. So, STOP. Things have fallen into place quite nicely, till now. No particular reason to believe that they won't, in the near future. By pushing her, I only increase the probability of alienating her, disillusioning her about a relatively big and important decision in her life.
Stop taking Madhudi and Pintuda for granted. This has been on the agenda for a while now, and to give some credit to myself, I think I have also succeeded, to a small extent. Just gotta carry on with the good work.
Start to extensively live, breathe, eat, drink, sleep CN! For a while, looking around for alternative day job opportunities had distracted me. And now, when I feel that my day has been incomplete and empty, I realize what I have been missing. The sooner I can get back to My Baby, the better it will be, for all concerned.
Stop worrying about things that are beyond my control. There has been some undue pressure from the latest employer, that has got me worried. Can't remember a time in the past, when I was so worried about such trivial things. So, why should I lose sleep over it now? No point in giving more importance to things, than they truly deserve. Have a Goal. Gotta keep moving towards it. Rest is all happenstance!

I guess, if I could work on these, for the next coupla weeks, I should be doing fine. And while I was writing this, I remembered, that a while back, I had written this, and it brought a smile to my face, to realize, that I have managed to mend most of those things, that were broken in my life, back then. There IS Hope yet. This too shall pass, am sure of that.

Back To The Blues

2009-09-22T18:42:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems like no matter how hard I try, I am never too far from the next Depression Cycle. Though this was a pretty long run that I had, as is evident from the date of the last blog post. And yes, I am one of those fatalistic Fraud Bongs (do I have to be politically correct in my own blog???) who only feels like writing when things are down in the dumps!

So, well, its that time of the year again, when I get very edgy. Pujas are around, and there's a feeling in the air. Can't explain, but something's different. The sunshine feels warmer, the wind is not chilly but it is refereshingly cold, the birds chirp that bit sweeter. Nature seems poised to welcome the Goddess, and yet, the contrast with what I feel inside, couldn't have been starker! Felt similar, last year round. But then, I managed to crash in at Rommel's. That was some relief. But now that I AM at Rommel's, what now? Where do I run to now?

When I try and look inside, all I can see is the desire to run away. Run far, far away. One part of me, simply disgusts me. The fact that I am even writing this here, spewing all the dark, blue inside, when everyone around me is so happy and cheerful, is reason enough. While another, just watches, amused by the stupidity of it all.

If I can't run away, can't I atleast hide under the bed and sulk? Please? With comfort in the knowledge that MnP are just sitting around in another room, and D is only a couple of minutes away? Please? Please? Please? I don't wanna be alone this Pujas. I don't wanna try and fill up the empty loneliness inside, with empty crowds outside. It doesn't work for me. It JUST DOESN'T WORK FOR ME!

Relief @ 3 Goddamn AM!

2009-06-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

Usually, by 3AM on any given day, I am so far gone that the only thing that I can possibly do apart from work, is laugh hysterically (like here and here)! Its too much to expect RD to do much else at that God forsaken hour! However, last night was an exception. Last night, I felt relief. Well, yes. The dud that I am, things took a little time to hit home. But when they did, whoa! What a relief it was. Had me grinning ear to ear for no apparent reason, and I was so definitely not complaining!

I have always felt that the biggest flaw of startups is the inherent romanticism associated with them. And I dare say, at the same time, it is also their biggest draw! For that guy whose running low on confidence while chasing his dreams, desperately looking around for something to hold on to when things are looking really bad around him, its this romanticism of doing a startup that keeps him afloat! The idea of doing something that you want to do from the bottom of your heart, and not just because, can be an amazing upper! Add to that the rebellious angle to it all, and you have a feeling not very different from a RockNRoll band.

But that’s all very nice and good for the person who wants to do the startup. But for people around him, the same romanticism can be quite disillusioning. It might seem very cool initially, but as soon as the shine wears off, and the dust, sweat and grime of a startup begins to get apparent, the romanticism fades. And a lot of dynamics get affected and this in turn leads to inevitable disharmony.

So, last night when it finally hit me that some of the people in my life, who really matter, have crossed the mental barrier of looking only at the rosy side of the startup scene, there was a sudden sense of extreme relief. Lately my conscience has been eating at me. Call it the Roller Coaster ride if you will, but I felt guilty. For what exact reason, I don’t know. But there was this feeling that I was misleading people who were probably betting high on me. And their trust was something I didn’t want to break.

But now that little niggle at the back of my mind is gone. M, P and D, all understand how it could all end up in chaos, and if, inspite of this, they decide to bet on RD, I think its only fair that RD stops worrying about them, and works his back off, to ensure that things work out!

The Romanticism is dead and gone, Long live the evergreen Romanticism!

Rains, Voices And My 2 Cents Worth

2009-05-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

"I think its something about the water" - famous line spoken by a famous woman, on a hot Saturday afternoon, in a distant city. And that is what I found myself telling RD, last evening. The city is back to the "Vintage Bangalore" weather. Overcast in the morning, slightly sunny in the noon, drizzles in mid to late afternoon, rains in the evening, to climax into nice cool nights! If this isn't purrrfect, I don't know what is. Add to that, hot spicy piyanjis, strong Earl Grey, dependable friends, and never ending conversations. I wish things wouldn't ever change. (sigh)!

Ever since I was a kid, hovering around the stage, yearning to be in the limelight, trying hard to break out of the shadow of a Wannabe, I have been fascinated by people's Voices. I am struggling to find the right words to articulate my thoughts on this, but what I am trying to say is that people's voices play quite a major role in the impression that I form of them, in my mind. I may not admit it at a conscious level, because it sounds too frivolous, but I know, somewhere deep down, its true.

And so, when I heard this woman's voice, late last night, I was, to put it mildly, "charmed". It was surreal. Take a dollop of vanilla ice cream, and slowly pour a generous scoop of hot chocolate sauce over it. Now tell me how you feel. I was feeling the same, when I heard her speak. Or, imagine sitting around a fire in the middle of a cold lonely desert, you light up on your last cigarette, and the slow burning crackle that you hear when you pull on your first drag. The insane melody of that lone comforting sound was as close a parallel as I can think of, to her voice as it floated down the phone line. I felt like I was wading through pink, formless clouds, drifting along, floating along, following the sound of her voice. Not caring where, not worrying how. Just as long as that voice would go on speaking to me, soothing, caring, tantalizing, sometimes inviting, sometimes distant, but always tempting, always there, I could go to the moon and back, and not know about it.

Yes, "charmed" really is an understatement.

The Showman

2009-05-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

(This was a mail to Chi, on a boring workday)

Whoa! Had an awesome experience just a coupla moments back. You know, my day was coming along pretty bad. Bored with this guy who is training us, frustrated with the way things are shaping up with The Baby back home, irritated with my own lack of intelligence in solving simple problems.

Went out to the cafeteria for a cuppa (you wouldn't ever dare drink chai in Bangalore, it SUCKS). I have this thing about always occupying the last table, looking out of the windows, with my back to the rest of the world. Yeah, talk about being UnSocial! So, I was walking to the rear of the cafeteria, with my cup of coffee, and they started playing The Calling - Wherever You Will Go. Pata nahin, there's something about that song which gets my adrenaline pumping. For the next coupla minutes I was transformed into another world, Totally! I was looking outta the window (this is on the 10th floor of the building), banging my head, playing my air guitar, sipping my coffee, mouthing the lyrics, tapping my feet! It was magical. An extraordinary feeling, bang in the middle of a very ordinary environment. Awesome!

Unfortunately, the song got over soon. And as I turned back to face the mundane reality of my life, realised I had an amused audience of 5-6 people. The Drama Queen in me was too far gone by then, for any form of restraint. So, I gave them an elaborate bow! ;) It was freaky! They probably haven't met an RD in their whole lives! The ShowMan in me was grinning from ear to ear! ;)

Anyways, back now. Sitting here, doodling, looking blankly through the presentations, periodically nodding to the instructor without knowing what he's talking about. Gosh! What a contrast!

Amaze Me, Before You Teach Me

2009-04-25T10:26:00.000-07:00

Have you seen Spirit, The Stallion Of Cimmaron? Its a nice animated movie about the life of a stallion who is born into the wild, taken into captivity, abused and mistreated, and who finally finds redemption. I can't explain what exactly it is about the stallion, but everytime I watch that movie (yes, its one of my favourites, and yes, I still love to watch animated movies), I find myself completely relating to its spirit, its attitude.

I admit I am a stubborn person. I am not really as smart or as intelligent as I like to think I am. But that doesn't stop me from not having much respect for The Establishment. I know my abilities, and I am fiercely protective about them. I respect myself, just as much as I respect someone else. I have never really given in to most of the pretenders who have come into my life, demanding my respect. No sir. That is one thing, you just can't demand from RD, and expect him to give in meekly. You have to command RD's respect. You have to earn RD's respect. I don't dish it around to anyone who just happens to be passing by. I think my respect for someone is precious. And so, I don't dole it out to people as alms for the poor of character. Absolutely NOT.

And my respect is one thing you totally need, before you can hope to teach me. I steadfastly revolt against people who have tried to get some stuff into my head, typically in a classroom setting, without first having me in awe of them. Ask some of the teachers at AG, or PESIT, or some of the trainers at my current day job. High Bozocity Quotient and Teaching RD, just don't gel too well.

And that's exactly what happened the other day, when I went in for a 3 day training session. It started off disastrously, and well, it went further downhill, from there on. The gentleman who had come over, knew less about the subject, than I did. He was definitely not competent enough to be training/teaching a bunch of people. Overall, he did nothing to put me in awe of him. Big mistake on his part.

I ploughed through two sessions, but then the devil got the better of me. I started disrupting the class with questions I knew he couldn't answer. Ofcourse, they were all valid questions. But I could have taken them up with him later. However, I didn't. I was in such an insane rage, for this total disrespect for my time, my abilities, that all I wanted to do then, was humiliate him. To let him know, that he can't get away with mediocrity. To send a message across to the Establishment, that they can't get away with shoving shit down our throats.

Ofcourse it didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to. What is worse than an incompetent man, is a nice and decent incompetent man. Before long, I was feeling so bad at having hurt someone who just couldn't hit back at me, that I couldn't carry on with the onslaught. But at the same time, letting him off the hook, meant that I had to sit through the rest of the sessions, and bear with him! A choice between the devil and the deep sea. Ended up sitting through the rest of the sessions, without any more interruptions.

But later, it got me thinking. This surely is a flaw in my attitude. A considerably damaging flaw, given the fact that most people are not flamboyant enough, to impress me with their knowledge/abilities. However, that also doesn't mean that they don't have anything that I couldn't learn from them. Moreover, at heart most folks are good and decent. Doesn't make me feel like a Superhero, being mean to them.

But at the same time, I hate rewarding mediocrity in any form. It is detrimental to human society in the long run. We should always aspire for perfection, even if we may not attain it. But aspire we must. We shouldn't settle for anything less. Else, it sets a trend and then, we start to compromise on things, where we shouldn't have had the need to, earlier.

I am still divided on this. Don't think I can change my attitude in a day or two. No, that aint happening. But I think this requires further retrospection. I only hope, that I have adequate courage and will, to act on whatever it is that I decide upon, after I have reached a conclusion.

To end this post, can't help but post a couple of lines, which I think I etched on my heart, mind and soul, the day I read them. Ayn Rand - Anthem.

What is my joy if all hands, even the unclean, can reach into it?
What is my wisdom, if even the fools can dictate to me?
What is my freedom, if all creatures, even the botched and impotent, are my masters?
What is my life, if I am but to bow, to agree, and to obey?

A Lazy, Nostalgic Saturday Morning

2009-04-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

Am so totally in a mood to waste today. Eakdam se dont' feel like working! :( And there is loadz to do! However, what I do feel like doing today, is to keep singing along to the songs playing in my WinAmp now. When I looked through the playlist, I was amused. These are songs I haven't listened to, in a long, long while. Most are a throwback to my AG days. Times when MP3 was oh so cool and new. English music was just beginning to make its presence felt in my world. Life was peppered with abundant opportunities. A 166MHz computer with a 2.1GB hard disk, was equivalent to a Porsche Boxster to me. It couldn't get better than that. And probably, it never did.

Anyways, making a list of the songs that I am listening to now. Maybe you can go oh, I'd like to listen to that too! ;)

A-Ha - Take On Me
A-Ha - Crying In The Rain
Cat Stevens - Wild World
Chumbawumba - Tub Thumping
Del Amitri - Roll To Me
Eagle Eye Cherry - Save Tonight
Enigma - Return To Innocence
Enigma - Gravity Of Love
Fear Factory - Cars
Glen Campbell - Rhinestone Cowboy
Lighthouse Family - Aint No Sunshine When She's Gone (cover)
Lyte Funky Ones - Girl On TV
Real McCoy - Come And Get Your Love
Roxette - How Do You Do
Roxette - Sleeping In My Car
Roxette - The Look
Sasha - I Feel Lonely
Seal - Kiss From A Rose
Stevie Wonder - I Just Called To Say I Love You
Stevie Wonder - Part Time Lover
Take That - Back For Good
The Wonders - That Thing You Do
Tom Jones - You Sexy Thing
Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight

I Hope You Dance

2009-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

The other day, on my way back from another depressing day at my day job, this song started playing on the radio. The music wasn't extraordinary, nor was the voice of the singer. But what grabbed me, were the lyrics. By the time the song was over, I was back to my usual hopelessly optimistic and loving it, self!

I think when am breathing my last, if I can honestly look back at my life and say with conviction that I lived my life by this song, I'd die a happy man. And on that optimistic and cheerful note, let me end this short post, right here.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

Suckers For Acceptance

2009-04-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

If you've travelled by 3 tier (class???) in trains, as much as I have over the last couple of years, or commuted on the streets of Bombay (and NO, I will not call it Mumbai), you are probably not affected by the eunuchs, the third gender any more. You have been desensitized to them, just like the handicapped children, the blind beggar, or the man lost in the big city needing some money to get back home. But while travelling by train the last time round, I couldn't help thinking about them. And that is how, this post, came into being.

A very typical scenario, involving a group of eunuchs in a train, goes something like this : You are sleeping/dozing unaware. Suddenly you are awakened by a loud clap. You open your eyes in haste, and see a garishly dressed (wo)man, standing in front of you, speaking in horribly lilting tones with an unmistakable male undertone, asking you for money! Here, one of the three scenario's unfolds : You either quietly pay up and be done with it. You try and ignore them for a while till they either try to kiss you or touch your body in a way which would have been seductive, if it weren't downright revolting, and you hurriedly part with some money to end the harassment. And sometimes, though rarely, you just manage to wriggle your way out, without having to pay.

I fall in the last category.

I have never paid any money to them, in all these years of travelling 3 tier (And no, I haven't been to Bombay). And yet, my solution doesn't involve any rudeness, cheap threats, or snide mean comments on their sexuality (or lack thereof). Its just a small, sweetly told lie, smeared with a generous helping of manipulative psychology.

I look at them (direct eye contact is preferable), screw up my face to feign helplessness (or rather, what I think helplessness looks like), fold my hands, and utter something in the line of "Amma, student hain" (with extra emphasis on the first word). And believe you me, it has worked each and every time, for the last 8 odd years. There were few, who did ask a second time, but when I repeated the same line, with all the more emphasis on the Amma bit, they just quietly let me be.

It was incredible, as a psychological test case. Here you have a bunch of people who are unmoved by pretty much any insult that you can throw at them, actually reacting to something as simple as this! It was manipulative on my part, Yes. But nothing that they couldn't handle. Nothing that their collective frustration of being social outcasts for centuries, couldn't easily have overwhelmed. And so, the more I thought about it, the deeper I wanted to get into its mechanics. What exactly was it, that prompted such a reaction from them? Which part of their psyche, was this touching so deep.

My conclusion is, that it is the Need for Acceptance, that is at the root of this. What could have started out as a craving for social parity, now degenerated by the constant battering from a rigid society, to something as basic as a desire for mere acceptance. And this is not just restricted to the members of the third sex. I believe that this need for acceptance, is a basic need in all human beings. Though, it might be predominantly acute in any group which is a social minority. From the Rock'n'Roll wannabe who indulges in various forms of excesses to conform to an image to gain acceptance in his peer group, to the socially retarded geek who makes awkward attempts at conversation with the girl sitting beside him, and everyone else in between (which includes most of us, mere mortals). We all crave for attention from others. We all like to be a part of a group. An unexplainable urge to be cocooned in the comfort of the knowledge that there are people who accept us, just as we are. After all, at the end of the day we are all suckers for acceptance, aint we?

Embracing The Past, And Loving The Future

2009-04-12T04:34:00.000-07:00

It isn't easy to just wake up one day, and do something that you have been evading for the better part of the last 8 odd years. The inertia holds you back, if for no other reason, but just because. And if you are an RD, well, you also have to get over the innumerable self doubts, that you have cultivated, in all those hours spent alone, introspecting. And so, it wasn't easy for me to agree meeting up with Chini, when she suddenly called up Sunday morning, to let me know she was in town!

I have spent a lot of time evading my past, to put it lightly. For no apparent reason. I find excuses not to meet people, I was once great friends with. I deliberately forget to return calls from folks I once spent hours talking over the phone with. And in some extreme cases, I quite avoid passing by neighbourhoods, I once spent a majority of my evenings in. Yeah, yeah. I am your typical slime ball, scum bag, in person!

But there was something about Chini (or was it Mary??? [;)] ). There was always, something about Chini. She was comfortable to be around with, disarming warm smile, and an interesting thought process. I should know. After all, I spent countless afternoons, balancing math on one hand, and her and Ranga's idea of Lets Have Some Fun With The Geek, on the other.

And so, I decided to make an exception to the rule, and meet up with her. Though I spent the entire travelling time, from my home to the mall, thinking of all the things that could go wrong. The awkward unpleasant silences after pretty much having exhausted asking about all the common friends and acquaintances. The foot in the mouth moment while making small talk. The uncomfortable questions about what I am doing with my life. And these were the good scenarios! No wonder, it was with mild misgivings, that I entered Crosswords, looking for my old friend.

But the moment I met her, it was almost as if I had stepped into another world. Just two good, old friends, meeting up after ages. There we were, sitting at a Barista, talkng, laughing, joking, grossing each other out, and doing everything possible to be generally obnoxious to people around us. And surprisingly, I was Loving It! It was almost as if I was back in school! Below Mr. D's house, on hot, sweaty summer afternoons, sitting on a wooden charpoi, chatting away to glory without a care in the world, trying hard to be funny, grateful for everytime I could get Chi to laugh. I was back in my elements. I was back to being the good, old vintage me.

The next couple of hours were delightful. I realized that although she has changed quite a bit in these last couple of years, the changes were not bothering me at all. We could still chat for hours, laugh over silly jokes, and have a good time. None of the good things had changed.

Chini's train was delayed by a couple of hours. And as worrisome as she is, we ended up spending 3 odd hours at the station. And this was when, I got to know a new Chi. We were done talking about all the people we knew, back at AG. All the news had been traded. We were eerily close to the point I dread, when meeting old friends. The so what else, part. When all the conversation has dried up, and you are down to uncomfortable small talk.

But instead, we just found so many different things to talk about. In between a million cups of chai, with the setting sun and the transient ambiance of a partially busy railway station, I discovered a new person in her. I discovered a woman with dreams and aspirations. A girl with anxieties and insecurities about her future, much like my own. But above all, I rediscovered a friend. Sitting there on the platform, comfortably yapping away, happy at being a center of lethargy, bang in the middle of all the usual hustle and bustle, I wanted time to pause a while, so I could catch a breather, and soak it all in. Soak it all in, long enough, deep enough.

As I waved Chi goodbye and was walking back to the parking lot, I realized that all my insecurities, my self doubts, had miraculously resurfaced. No sooner had I turned around, I was wondering if she was more relieved than sorry, at finally getting rid of me. If I had been entertaining enough. Or worse, if I had failed to do anything that is expected of a friend. I guess, some things just don't change that much after all. However, I also found myself humming a couple of lines of a Boyzone song.

An old friend called the other day
And wasn't quite sure what to say
Didn't seem to know me anymore
And I said
Don't treat me like I'm someone new
I'm still the same one you used to talk to
But all I need from you friend
Is good conversation
Is good conversation
To put my mind at ease

Anti Social

2009-02-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

Been thinking about getting registered on Facebook, for quite a while now. No. Not because I wanna stay connected with friends. Quite on the contrary. I heard they have a great platform to build widgets on, and I wanna try it out. Sounds exciting. But just couldn't get myself to register.

The reason is simple. Everytime I try to, the whole idea of connecting with so many people, scares the hell out of me. Totally. I don't know, how this started, but I have slowly but surely developed a phobia of people. The repercussions are too scary to even think. I try not to think about it too much, but sometimes, it catches up with me. And that's when the blues hit home. Hard.

Glad am going home soon. I always get a lot of clarity when I spend a coupla weeks there. But lately, even that clarity, hasn't been lasting me long enough! Damn! I so need to find a permanent fix to this. I so, so, so need to.

Wendy And Lucy

2009-02-07T09:26:00.000-08:00

I just watched Wendy And Lucy. A wonderful movie. Really is. There were two particular instances, that I could so totally relate to.

In the first, Wendy is at the garage, asking about the repairs needed for her car. She is on the tightest of budgets, and has no means of generating extra cash. And yet, her car is essential, to even give her a decent chance of reaching her destination. That helplessness, that desperation, almost reeked of verisimilitude.

The other day, when I was running around, to get the lappie up and running, I so totally went through the same motions, myself. And what you feel, when you are caught in that scenario, cannot really be expressed in words. It almost felt like being trapped in a glass cage, when every second you feel that you can easily punch your way out of it, and yet, with each punch you realize the futility of it all.

The second, is when Wendy asks the Security Guard for change, to call from a pay phone. And he offers his phone to her, telling her that nobody uses a pay phone nowadays. A coupla days back, when Romit had dozed off in his room, and I couldn't find any way of waking him up, and opening the door for me, I was about to trudge off to the nearest pay phone. That's when the caretaker of the building, offered to call him from his phone. It was kind of embarrassing, when he was amused that I couldn't call out from my phone.

I can't really be certain, how I feel after having watched the movie. But I know, I certainly don't feel disheartened, about relating to a character in Wendy's predicament. I feel anything, but that. Yes, these are a little troubled times. Yes, a lot of things that I had taken for granted all along, I have now come to appreciate and cherish. But by no means, do I feel down in the dumps. They say, the night is darkest, just before the dawn. And inspite of all my defiance for conventional wisdom, this one time, I think I will believe them.

Paaglaami, In The Middle Of The Night

2008-11-29T13:07:00.000-08:00

Its 230 in the morning. Am at Cassa Rommel. I've probably had more rum than I should. But then again, am on a high. We have finished the video shoot for CN. And the first launch is behind us. And I was probably looking for an excuse to indulge myself.

We saw a pretty nice Bong movie. "Aamra". Can't remember the last time I was so affected by a movie. After watching it, I wanted to ride out right now for her city, bang on her door, shake her really hard, and shout some logic into her. I know, I know, we all have our right to be stupid, but aint this taking things too far? But I wonder, how stupid do you have to be, to not see something that is so obvious!!! I mean, can't she see that "we" are meant to be together? What does it take to show her this?

I am not sure. Am not sure of anything, right about now... All I know is, there are a million reasons why we can't work out! GB tells me, that I wasn't really into her, but I was in love with myself. Madhu tells me, that what works in childhood, doesn't work at my age no more, and hence there is no future for us. VG pretty much thinks that she is the Devil in Disguise (and not a very thin disguise, for that matter). She herself thinks that even the idea of "us" is as preposterous as it gets.

And yet, everytime I convince myself to get over her, my heart comes back the full circle. In pretty much every woman that I see, I try to find her. In every moment that presents itself, I try to mould it to something that has her in it. In every dream I dream, she is the center of my world.

I know this makes no sense. It makes no sense at all. And yet, my heart doesn't want to accept the truth. I cannot think of a future, without her. I cannot think of a life, in which she isn't an integral part of. Am I being foolish? Am I being stupid? I don't know. I don't care. All I know is, that I am not going to be making the same mistakes of my past, again. I won't. I can't.

Soul Searching

2008-11-10T00:38:00.000-08:00

I was in one of those moods to introspect, today. Had oodles of time on my hands, but couldn't leave for home and get down to work. After reading through 7 magazines, and getting saturated on information about the Financial Crisis, Mumbai Burning, The Great Indian Democratic Farce, The Big Black American Dream, I had exhausted the external means of keeping myself occupied. That's when I started reading my own blog posts, over the years.

The person that came across, judging by the thoughts portrayed, was not someone very nice. Or pleasant. Albeit, lonely. But mean. I wondered, if this is what I had set out to be. If this is the person, on whom all those teachers at AG, Madhu Pintu at home, family and few friends, had believed in. If this is the person, that Rohitesh himself, believed in. I wondered.

I am not sure, how long this round of blues, will last. But I think, at some deeper level, inside of me, I am ready to turn my life around. The best thing about being in the dumps, is the realization, that if you live to tell the tale, the worst is over. When you hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go. And that is, UP.

I guess, this could be the right time, to start some of the things that I have been neglecting, lately. A good way, to keep my mind off all the trash.

1. Attending SKID, daily
2. Cycling to work, daily
3. Prayers, daily
4. Long walks in the park, thrice a week

Yeah. I feel better already. This ship might be damaged, but it is not beyond salvage. I guess, its time to turn it around.

Sorry, Slip Of Tongue Sir

2008-11-02T23:05:00.000-08:00

I am totally, completely, absolutely, undoubtedly, a water baby. I was born in the monsoon season, swimming is the only sport I love, I drink gallons of water a day. And yes, as a result of this, I end up going susu a million times a day! In fact, so deep is this bond, that I find my mind to be working at its best, when am in the men's room.

Today was turning out to be an ordinary day. Dead, dull, boring. As I walked down to the toilet, there was nothing to even bring a smile on my face. Monotonous life. Through which I wade in and out everyday like a zombie. Flashing fake smiles, asking fake questions, showing fake concern, at fake people. This was how I found myself, standing next to this very plain, non-descriptive guy, in one of the stalls.

Now, from my millions of seconds worth of experience, relieving myself in public toilets, I have concluded, that men have a tendency to do either of these two things, while answering to the call of nature. And they do so, with an alarmingly high probability.

(a) lean forward and spit on the stream of jet gushing out (is there a connection between our urinary and salivary glands, or what),

(b) scrunch up all their abdomen muscles, to squeeze out that last remaining drop of toxic water, out of their bodies.

Although both are equally repulsive, what tilts the scale in favour of the latter, is the problem with applying the squeeze in the right Direction. Get it wrong, and you end up in a slightly embarrassing scenario, of having to explain, why you are being so rude, so as to cause a serious emission problem, for people around you!

And that's exactly what happened to this guy, today. I was humming a Scorpions number, staring at this spider on the wall, thinking of happier times, creating false memories. And this guy, standing right next to me, in one of the stalls, suddenly ends up parting wind! For a second, there was silence. I thought I could feel this guy's embarrassment loom like a cloud over us (no pun intended)! The awkward silence was palpable. I stopped my humming. And then slowly turned to look at him.

An average Joe, having an average day, which just got a million times worse! Staring straight down, to avoid any kind of eye contact. Wishing like hell, that he could just disappear in thin air! And at this point, RD swooped down on his misery!

Gave him one of my pet, Koi Baat Nahin, Hota Hai, smiles. Told him, not to worry. We all have our bad days. Even made up a story, about how the same had happened to me once, and I got away with it, by excusing myself in front of those present, for a Slip Of Tongue!

By this time, he was pretty relieved. Was smiling, even. One of those hapless smiles, that I have seen countless times before. Poor fellow, didn't have much of a choice, but to nod on, and grin in agreement. So, I mused philosophically (for his benefit, the musing was done aloud), that life is nothing but a string of embarrassing incidents. And how we must, move on. Never stop, but keep on moving. He mumbled something, about how true it was.

Before walking away, patted his shoulder in a comradely fashion. Slight nodding of the head. Hint of a smile (actually, more like a well disguised smirk)! And turned to leave. I made sure that there was no way he could chase me (unless he wanted to run around with his fly undone), and as a parting shot, quipped that if he had to torment his fellow susu'waalahs, the least he could do, was watch what he eats! And ran the hell out of there, laughing my guts out!

Unfortunately, strategy forbade me to look back, and see the expression on his face!

You Show Me Yours, I'll Show You Mine

2008-10-23T23:41:00.001-07:00

[timelines are inconsistent as I started writing this last Tuesday, but had to put it on the backburner]

Damn, I am pissed! Wanna go spitting venom!

So, Bozo pings last night (the other names that come to mind for him, are too obscene). I was working, I was sleep deprived, I was not in the best of moods, and lets admit it. Bozo aint really one of my best friends. Not even by a long shot. But inspite of this bad chemistry, I do the needful. I feign enthusiasm. I ask the usual questions. The expected, non funny jokes. The whole works, you know. Expecting the conversation to peter out, for lack of things to say.

And then, right out of the blue, Bozo drops one of his trademark bombs. One, he knew, would make me flinch! He asked me about, The Book!

Men express their love for women, in various ways. Some do it with flowers, some with gold and diamonds, some with songs, and some with letters. I did mine, with a short story. Well, that's me after all. A small note was too small, and the whole I need to be heard and understood thing, was running too high. So, I ended up writing a 40 some page long story, to tell her, how I felt about her.

Ofcourse, today when you look back at a lot of things you did in your past, they seem incredibly dumb and silly and stupid. But back then, they were probably the right things to do. And even today, if I could turn back time, and do the whole thing again, I think I won't change it a bit. I'll do it all, just the way I did it, the first time round. And because, whatever I wrote in those pages, was something I really felt, I am not even embarrassed of it. But, it was very, very Personal!

Yes, I might laugh about it. Yes, I might write a blog post with all the ugly details. And yes, I might even dedicate an entire chapter of my autobiography to it. But that doesn't mean, that I will let someone like Bozo ask me about it, dig in for some juicy details! I could so visualize that smirk on his face, the irritating slight nodding of his head, that retarded, lopsided grin, suggesting that its only fair that I give him the details, because he wasn't stingy with his, when his flirtations with Cupid fell flat on its face!

Wait a second, right there! What is going on? Have we gone back to the days of our childhood? The whole, I shared my toffee with you, so now you must share yours with me? Go get a life, Dude. Didn't you know, RD always cheated in those games, as a kid. And this was not acceptable. Not with Bozo. No Sir. Not At All. Some things are just not acceptable.

For all those years, that I had to bear with Bozo, I did it, in the stoic manner, a Bong in Calcutta bears with the heat, the sweat, the pollution, the crowds, the roaches, the flies. What cannot be cured, must be endured. Though, my contempt, my disgust for him, would often surface, I think, given the circumstances, I did a decent job.

But that was out of compulsion. When you live in a tightly knit community of college kids living just outside, its not wise to be too overtly discretionary about your choice of friends. But the same doesn't apply now. I don't have to take that shit anymore. If I don't quite like hanging out with someone, I don't I need to force myself to do it. If I find someone obnoxious, I don't think I should be polite and nice, just to be social.

Anyways, this incident raised a number of more serious questions. The answers to which, can only be found, on further introspection. Will have to wait for another post.

Goodbye Geetika

2008-10-23T00:53:00.000-07:00

.H called on Wednesday. In a quiet voice, he told me, that Geetu had died. Monday. Hung herself.

And just like that, all of a sudden, Geetika walked out of all our lives. Just like that. No teary eyed good byes. No hollow promises of keeping in touch. No gradual acceptance of an uncertain future. She moved out. Just like that.

There are a million thoughts, running all around, crazy, in my head. To even try and write them down, would be insane. I wouldn't even try. But more than anything else, they will be a disservice to one of the most cheerful and brave persons I have ever come across. How else does one explain her child like excitement when we carried her, (Yes, literally carried her) inside, whenever all of us would go out for dinner! Or, her clicking away to glory, when she was totally covered in bandages with alot of irreparably broken bones!

Brave. Cheerful. Enthusiastic. Fuck-The-World-And-We-Shall-Rule. Creative. Dreamer. Yes, Geetika. These, and much more, are what we will remember you by.

I am glad that I got to spend some time with you. And I cherish those moments. My only regret will be, that I could not be next to you, when you needed a friend. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot change that. But I do hope, that the day we meet again, I will make up for it. I swear, I will.

And though we wish you goodbye, you will remain in our hearts, forever. May you find the peace, you sought all along, my friend. Goodbye Geetika.

Another Evening At Cassa Rommel

2008-10-19T09:49:00.001-07:00

This was my second evening at Cassa Rommel! And like the first, there was good food, better liquor, and some of the best singing and guitar playing that I have been around, for a while. From Rabindra Sangeet, to Dylan, to Floyd. But the most popular numbers were the timeless classics by Anjan Dutta. It was wonderful. To relate to the emotions of someone, and to voice them, in tune, is a wonderful feeling. I can't explain it, really. Maybe, you need to experience it, to understand it.

Of alot of things that we spoke of, what really got me thinking, was the discussion that we had, on the fatalistic attitude of people. How, some of us really ended up celebrating the pain, the melancholy in our lives! It was true, I admit. And yet, it was sad. It was my second evening there, and like the first, I was vividly visualizing her, through tightly shut eyes, while we were all singing along, to AD's words on Love won and lost and its memories, while Rommel strummed his guitar. And though, the memories hurt, really hurt, I didn't wanna stop. Just didn't wanna stop.

There was solace. There was relief. There was a sense of solidarity in the realization of shared pain. There was a temporary haven, away, far far away from the constant pain inside. There was a gentle warmth, a comforting cocoon, in the company of people from a past not so long ago. A shield from the cold loneliness inside. And there was the faint taste of wild, wild hope. To sweeten the bitterness of reality.

P.S. Got a really good collection of AD songs from Rommel. Next post on the lyrics of a song that really got me.

Broken

2008-10-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Can't really remember when was the last time, I felt so desperately, so totally, so completely helpless! I really can't.

My computer's broken, so can't work, can't play, can't LIVE.
My bike's broken, so gotta resort to cycling to work and back.
My cycle's broken, so gotta walk/hitch a ride to work and back.
My peace and calm at home's broken, so I feel miserable, even at home.
My work life's broken, so the best I can do is to bear with it.
My personal life's broken, so there is no peace within.
My finances are broken, so there is no refuge in gormandizing.
My sleep's broken, so I can't run away to my fantasy world.
Pretty much everything I can think of, is broken in my life, as of now. Pretty much everything.

But I guess one of the things that isn't broken, yet, is my Will. My will to wear fate out, and force her to my terms. What isn't broken, is my Dream. My dream to be the man I want to be, to do the things I want to do. What hasn't given in yet, is my Faith. My faith, in the ability of the man in the mirror, to bounce back from the lowest lows, in the worst of the times.

But I wonder, how much longer, will they stand...

Scared...

2008-10-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

Must have had a bad, bad dream. Woke up with a start, and out of the blue, for no apparent reason, this song by Ark, was playing in my head. Checked the time. It was just a shade past three. And for the next half an hour, or so, could not get it out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. Especially, these couple of lines :

Aajker raate tumi onner hobe,
Bhaabtei jole chokh bhije jaaye.
Eto koshto keno bhalobashai, eto koshto keno bhalobashai...

Translated :
Tonight you will become someone else's,
And even thinking about this brings tears to my eyes.
Why is there so much of pain in love, why is there so much of pain in love...

Can't explain it, but since then, I can feel this little dark, gloomy corner in my heart. I wonder, how painful it must be, to so helplessly love someone, that you just can't stop. And yet, never ever have it in your destiny, to be with her.

Come to think of it, I guess I know how that feels. A long time back, rushed all the way back from Kolkata to Bangalore, just because the woman I wanted to be with, but was giving advice instead on being with another on New Year's Eve under the mistletoe, was starting to take my advice seriously! (Yeah, I know, I am messed up all right). I remember feeling anxious, helpless, disgusted with myself for being such a coward. But above all, I remember feeling very, very scared.

Pujo Eshechhe!

2008-09-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

Its been a while, since I last blogged. Didn't get that itch to pen down my thoughts. Moreover, anything that becomes routine, gets boring. But it took a heady combination of changing weather, the Pujo atmosphere, and some long lost memories, to get me back to the writing table.

The internet connection at home decided to play hide and seek on Saturday, and neither did I have a decent book to keep me distracted, nor a friend to hang out with. So, I got down to tidying up my computer. Moving music and movies around, renaming them, deleting obsolete files, in other words, fussing over details that I had stopped worrying about, as soon as I passed ICSE! And ever since, I have been stuck in this time warp.

Memories, unmade conversations, unshared jokes. A deluge of them. And after a long, long time, a complete absence of unpleasant and sad thoughts. Even I was left wondering.

Tony and RD, writing silly stupid programs in BASIC. Dreaming of becoming the long haired, pizza chomping, beer guzzling, torn-jeans wearing Yahoo employees!

Listening to Eminem at full blast, screaming out his lyrics, hours before each of my board exams.

Curled up in my musty, cobweb shrouded, damp ridden room, next to the window, with the warm, comforting smell of two hundred books emanating from my almirah, reading anything that I could lay my hands on.

The first of many, surprise visits of Madhu and Pintu, while I was enduring the Single Worst year of my life, first year in college.

Hanging out on T's terrace, sipping tea, wondering at her crazy graphology interest, and chatting away our We-Got-Dumped blues.

The wild, wild exploration of dazzling, glittering Laarh Bazar in Hyderabad, with V.

The unending pastry binges with G, while dreaming about a better future, and bitching about the miserable present, simultaneously.

Star gazing with R, atop the Water Tank, at 3 in the morning, taking comfort in each others insecurities and fears.

These and so much, much more. After a long time, a strong yearning, to relive those moments again. To run them on slow-mo this time round, so I could literally feel them, let them caress my mind and soul, on their way out. To be an outsider, watching a happy scene of a play.

Its been three days since I started this post. And in typical RD fashion, my mood's swung between the extremes. Started off as over-the-top happy, and by last night, I was choking on the pain, the void, the misery of being all alone. Lying on my bed, staring up at the street lamp patterns on the fan, had this crazy, sudden feeling, to just throw up. Throw up on all this pain, this loneliness, this suffocation. I want to hold my head in my hands, and cry. Let the tears blur away the harsh reality of it all, and leave a clean beginning to start all over again.

My Story Writing Entry

2008-07-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

The place I work for, organized a story writing competition. Its been years since I last participated in one of these. School was the last time. Was too disenchanted with everything, back in college to even find out, if they did stuff like this.

Anyways, thought I'd post my entry here. Not really proud of it though. Think its too disjointed. But posting it here, for your comments, nonetheless. And if your wondering, where the Colonial theme came from, well, inspiration is courtesy, John Master's : Nightrunners of Bengal. ;)

There was a 500 word limit to the story, and I deliberately underlined the lines which connected the pictures. Didn't wanna take any risks, what with my weird writing style! ;(

The smell of wet earth wafted up my nostrils. Though the rain had stopped only a while back, the signs of rejuvenated life in all its glory were already peeping out from the crevices in the soil. The green sprouting grass, the gay flowers, the croaking toads, the hopping sparrows. And in the middle of it all, My Perfect Little World.

Father was mostly away, while I was growing up. Company business. And Mother was busy fussing over her tea parties. And so, my childhood was spent with my two Hindoostani friends. The ayah, Kamla, and the maali, Rambahadur.

Chasing butterflies in our manicured lawn, my golden mane flying in the sweet breeze off the Hoogly, my two brown friends, shouting words of encouragement to their little Gori Memsaab, were like the drops of pure bliss in my otherwise melancholy life.

But as the years flew on by, so did my friends from childhood. Growing up in colonial India, wasn’t the most adventurous of things to do. And the Victorian society wasn’t very liberating either. I was suffocated, I was craving for a breath of fresh air. I was almost dying for it, when Sherman walked into my life.

He was everything I wanted, and more. A charming, spirited young man, who opened up my eyes to the world. We would stroll in the gardens, debating love and philosophy under the clear blue skies, or sit in wonderment of nature aboard the Company Ferry, over the calm Hoogly. But it wasn’t meant to be. Before long, Sherman’s marching orders arrived, and he never came back.

The years withered away, after that. A loveless marriage, an ordinary and predictable life, and finally old age. The only respite from it all, was an adorable daughter, late into the marriage, who kept me alive through the worst of the lows. My Little Blue Robin.

And now, as I lie on my death bed, with life slowly closing its door on me, my eyes frantically search for her. The little girl, has long since grown up to be a fine young lady, living in a far off land, with her own prince charming. But in my eyes, she will forever be my little girl.

As my breathing becomes more laboured, the darkness closes in tighter. I am desperately looking for my little girl. As I am about to give up on the last shreds of hope, I finally see her. Peeping in through a slat on the door. Smiling, mischievous. The darkness all around her, but never encompassing her. Her eyes twinkling, almost inviting. And I breathe in my last. Happy. Finally, Free.

Looking For A New Roomie

2008-07-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

Raj is moving out, and we need someone else to move in, in his place. When I looked over the whiteboard at work, saw a number of sheets stuck up, looking for roomies. None of them struck me in particular. So, took a green coloured printout of this. Lets see, if we get any hits.

Looking for an apartment with ZERO Rent? Yes, you read it right. No Rent! Your prayers have been answered! ;)

3 BHK, in PAI Layout (off Old Madras Road, near Kaggadaspura) close to DRDO. 4 th floor, with elevator and car parking facility available.

There are currently 2 of us staying there, and looking for a third roomie. We don’t expect you to pay any rent, or security deposit, or electricity bill.

However, as you get to stay with pseudo neo celebrities like us, we expect you to pay 2667/- per month as homage, and a one time darshan fee of 16,667/- which we will return to you, when you decide to move over, for another soul to come bask in our glory.

P.S. If you REALLY believed that stuff, please don’t bother calling us. We would hate to break your heart. However, if you are not that gullible, give us a ring at : 98861*****

Conversations With My God

2008-07-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

These are excerpts of the 3 odd hour long conversation with My God, while sitting, strolling, running in the rain, standing under the shade, leaning against the stairs of a building, in Koromangla. The original contained alot of Hindi, but that has been translated, to the best of my abilities, which frankly speaking, isn't much.

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God : Arrey Dada, meeting you after 2 years, what? (laughing)
RD : Yes Sir, absolutely. (touching his feet) How have you been?
God : Forget about me, is it the same thing bothering you again, like the last time we met?
RD : (Astonished) Errrr, no, not exactly. Shall we have some coffee?

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R : So, you must be wondering, how ungrateful of RD, to come bothering you, after being invisible for 2 odd years?
G : No.
R : No? (hint of amusement)
G : Arrey, I am a simple man, I don't complicate my life by over analyzing things that shouldn't be over analyzed.
R : But still?
G : No. You don't believe me, do you? Well, actually, I guessed what was bothering you.
R : No. No. Its nothing like that. Just a coupla things together, unpleasant things, things that I am not particularly good at handling. A little overwhelmed. That's all. Just wanted to talk to you. You know, how I have always loved being around you and the Dr.
G : (laughs) Yes. I know. But its ok, you take your time. I have the whole evening free. Want to take a stroll?
R : (Staring for a moment) Sure. I would love to.

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R : Can I ask you a personal question? You know, you don't really have to answer or something, if you don't want to. Really. Ummm, I wouldn't have asked you, and you know I wouldn't have, but...
G : (laughing) Dada, you haven't changed much.
R : No. I guess not. But I wish I had.
G : (patting my arm) Go on, ask. But I think, I know where this is going.
R : You do?
G : You want to ask me about how I handled my *******?
R : (smiling) I shouldn't have tried. You know me too well.
G : (laughs) Well, nothing like that. I was just trained for a lot of things, as a child.
R : Well, as in, how you handled it emotionally?
G : Lets go sit on that park bench. I hope you don't mind sitting on a park bench, in the evening, with a middle aged man, huh? (smiling)
R : For a chance to chat with you? I wouldn't mind wearing pink negligee and pole dancing, in the park!
G : (Laughing uncontrollably)

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G : Do you watch Republic Day, or Independence Day parades?
R : I used to, me and my dad. But not lately.
G : You should.
R : (looking up at the sky, kids playing around) Its so peaceful here. I can almost forget my worries.
G : You can do that, even in the middle of chaos. You don't need a park, and children playing around you.
R : No. I can't. Some of the stuff I can't. Anyways, why were you talking about the parades?
G : Have you seen them release doves on that day?
R : Not actually. But I know what you are talking about. I know they do it. Supposed to signify freedom, liberty and all.
G : There's something for you to learn from that.
R : What exactly?
G : Learn to Let Go, Dada. Learn to let things go.
R : (staring at my toes)

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G : You know, if you accept that everything around you is illusory, it won't be so difficult.
R : Then I might as well sit at home, and watch the grass grow na? Everything's illusory anyways.
G : (laughing) Won't that be nice? But I think you should do just that, if you can do it.
R : What do you mean, if you can do it?
G : My bet is, you won't be able to sit, and do nothing.
R : Ok. You win. Your point being?
G : Nothing. I am just stating some random facts to you (staring up at the sky, smiling)

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R : Damn! Its gonna start raining now. I think we should get some shade.
G : Yes. We should (getting up)
R : No wait. Wait. Wait. This rain is illusory, I am not really getting drenched, am I? Its all an illusion, right? Lets sit here, and enjoy the sunrise over the Himalayas. Let me change the illusion a little.
G : (laughing hard) Dada, you still have a strong reaction to denial. Come on, lets get some shade (pulling my arm)

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G : It takes a lot of courage to let go.
R : You gotta be joking. It takes courage to hang on, inspite of the odds. To believe that things will be alright, somehow, even when no one else thinks so. Not the other way round.
G : No. Your wrong. It takes courage, to really, sincerely believe that things will be ok, even after the worst low, and you don't need to hold on to fantasies to survive. It takes courage to face the truth. It takes courage to accept that something that is gone, is really gone. Gone for good. It takes courage to accept all this, and still move on.
R : Well, you do have a point, but I don't agree with you.
G : (laughing) But Dada, am not asking you to agree with me. Only asking you to believe me.

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G : If it was meant to be, it would have worked out, whether you'd tried or not. But if it isn't meant to be, no matter what you do, it wouldn't work out. The only thing you can then do, is move on.
R : You sound like Akshaye Khanna from DCH (smiling)
G : Really? That's a compliment.
R : But you know, its much easier said than done.
G : Well, its as easy as you want it to be. Try it.

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G : Have you ever wondered why I am so attached to all the girls, among my students?
R : (smiling) I think I once told you, that it is one thing we both have in common. Remember, I had dedicated a song to you? Elvis Presley - Girl Happy.
G : (laughing loudly) My God, no. You wanna know the real reason?
R : Yes. Sure.
G : (after a couple of moments of silence) Because they remind me of my sister.
R : Oh! Sorry, that was just a joke. How come you never mentioned your sister before?
G : Because she is dead. (continues)

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R : My God! I am so sorry. I am so, so, sorry. Sorry. Really Sorry. (stuttering) I mean, I really shouldn't have. Am sorry (holding his shoulder, ashamed of myself)
G : Arrey Dada, relax. Its ok. Not your fault. And I am not bothered, talking about her. I have no bitterness. No grief. What happened was destined to be. I have accepted that. Never let adversity get the better of you. Infact, you should use it, to help you become a better man, a stronger man. Not bitter and complaining. But stronger and forgiving.
R : (no words)
G : If I can overcome something that big, don't you think your problems are trivial in comparision?
R : (whisper) Yes.

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G : Stop complicating your life. It is simple. Keep it that way. Its better.
R : And I suppose you will tell me to become a Yogi?
G : Good God No. Why would I?
R : I don't know. All that stuff about letting go and all, doesn't sound like ordinary stuff.
G : Are you telling me you can't do something?
R : No, I am Not. I am only telling you, I don't wanna do something I don't believe in.
G : You don't believe it, or you don't want to believe it?
R : I don't believe it.
G : I think you are just making excuses, because you don't have the courage to do it.
R : You know, when I was a kid, my folks taught me well enough, not to fall for silly challenges. I am not falling for that. Not that stupid, you know.
G : (laughing) If you had been that stupid, I wouldn't have wasted so much time explaining things to you. Would have simply ordered you.

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R : I am RD. I can't blindly follow what someone else tells me to. Not even, if its my God.
G : I don't expect you to. You have a strong spirit.
R : (laughing) I wish you had used the word Attitude instead. Spirit sounds like something you'd use for a wild mustang!
G : (laughing) Shouldn't that be a compliment?
R : Maybe.

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R : A friend of mine and I are organizing a lunch at my school. Why don't you and the Dr. come over? It will be nice. My kids could do with an idol.
G : Sure. You just let me know when and where.
R : I will. And Thank you so very much for talking to me. I feel better.
G : You do? I thought we didn't agree on anything.
R : If we had, I would have been surprised (smiling)
G : (laughing) Ok. I hope the next time I meet you, you will be in a better state of mind.
R : (smiling) Me too.

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G : Dada! (shouting over the traffic, from the other side of the narrow road)
R : Just a moment, Sir (crossing the road, like a maniac)
G : Crossing the road like that, you just proved you are from Kolkata! (smiling)
R : Habbits of a misspent youth, I guess. (smiling)
G : Just wanted to tell you, remember this day and place. Someday, you will be standing right here, and telling me how stupid you were to worry about something so trivial. And we will both have a good laugh then.
R : (laughing uncontrollably) I already feel better and smarter!

My Laughter Dose At 3 God Damn A.M. - Part II

2008-06-30T12:07:00.001-07:00

I finally managed to finish Upmanyu Chatterjee's The Mammaries Of The Welfare State. The book's been lying around for a while now. Though I had set my heart on reading its prequel, English August, which I couldn't locate at Blossoms, had to settle for this. Though the time of the night when I read the following lines was not technically 3 A.M, it did feel that way. But once I read these lines, I was laughing helplessly! And so, I produce them, verbatim. If your sense of humour is not crude enough to appreciate it, my apologies.

Did he spit in the urinal while pissing?
Or sigh audibly, and invoke a God, while leaning forward, resting his head against the tiles, gazing down and playing a sort of billiards with the naphthalene balls in the bowl with his jet of urine as the cue?

The best part of this was, I have actually seen people do both of this! ;) Those of you who have read the very first post of this blog, might remember that it was about my observations, at the men's room. And I can vouch, that people actually do this stuff! ;)

My Laughter Dose At 3 God Damn A.M. - Part I

2008-06-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

Well, after a coupla RD Isspecial, amazingly self derogatory posts, I thought I'd write about these two things, that brought a genuine smile, errr, no, no, make that, made me laugh hysterically!

It was like 0245 hrs, on a weekday. I was just about ready to drop dead on my bed, when S pings me. He wants a Hindi song, translated! Am like, WHAT! Its 3 in the bloody morning, and you want a bloody song, to be bloody translated? Can't this wait till bloody morning?

But it turned out, that the lady who S had given his heart away to (without the damsel really being interested in it) had dedicated this song to him, and it was imperative that he know what she wanted to tell him, before he could sleep peacefully! And so, it had to be right then.

Grudgingly, I asked him to forward the song to me. I should have smelt a rat, when I saw the file had no name, just an undecipherable number. But assuming the lady in question, to be one of the family of vulpes vulpes, I hit the download button. And after 3 odd minutes of sleep induced impatience, finally had the song enqueued on WinAmp. What I heard, for the next coupla minutes, had me rolling on the floor! And I am not bullshitting you. I was actually on the floor, rolling, laughing uncontrollably.

I reproduce the first coupla lines here, without any translation. If you can't read Hindi in an English script and understand it, too bad for you. (Note : This was playing, with the background score of a typical T-Series bhakti song)

Na Baans Ki Bansi, Na Sone Ka Sariya, Bas Gaand Mein Danda, Gaand Mein Danda!

P.S. I don't think I need to tell you, what was S's reaction, after I translated that for him! ;)

My Big, Fat Bongaru Dreaming

2008-06-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

Bad! Bad! Bad! It was a bad combination, right from the beginning. A restless mind, accompanying a permanently broken heart, with a hyperactive imagination, at an all time low self esteem, a 13 year old teenager trapped inside the body of a 25 year old prematurely aging man, watching a romantic comedy where the underdog finally takes the cake!

Phew! Not even the Mad, Mad Hatter could get it so wrong. But then again, RD is a world apart. A genius, if you will. And this is how, I got down to watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

A nice, sweet, funny romantic comedy. Thoroughly enjoyable. I think there's something magical about the whole Cinderella story, for us Low Self Esteemed folks. Its like a beacon in the dark, unfriendly, loneliness of this world. A haven, where you can safely hide, and indulge in your fantasies. Tell yourself, again and again and again, that you are not a loser. Your just a Slow Starter. And maybe, maybe, if you are lucky, you'll start to believe it yourself!

My Emotionality

2008-06-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

Its definitely an insult, and there's no question about it. No. None at all. However, what remains to be answered is, why couldn't they be a little more subtle about it? Zor ka jhadka, dheere se lagta.

So, it all started when Ms. Na(Iyer) and The N, let me know, that they thought I was a very Emotional kinda guy! I was like, What??? I wouldn't mind an Ass. I wouldn't mind a Jerk. I wouldn't even mind a Loser. Those can all be repackaged as something of a compliment, in a sense that the Complimentor wouldn't even have intended. But think about it. An Emotional Guy? Jeez! I can't think of even a single comback from that!

And so, I decided to go about proving to these two silly women, that RD is NOT an Emotional Person. Don't ask me why it hit so hard, but it did. So I stopped wishing good morning to all and sundry that I meet from 8 in the morning, to well past noon. I substituted a smirk for my smile. The usually flippant compliments that I usually dish out in plenty, were shelved in the back burner. To sum it up, I tried to imitate the more conventional, the more acceptable (though prejudiced) behaviour of the people of my sex.

Now before you go off wondering if I am seriously as loony as I sound, hold on. This was just a joke for me. Been in an emotional roller coaster for a while, and well, nothing better than some role playing, to get the good, ol' RD, back up and about.

But the funny part was, it didn't work. No. No. Let me rephrase that. It couldn't have worked. I had probably got it all mixed up in my head (and why doesn't that surprise me no more?) I wasn't really trying to get rid of the Emotional tag. No. Don't think so. I was trying to get rid of the implications that are brought on, by that word. Yes. That sounds closer to the truth.

You see, in my mind, I have word associations. Some words are good, and some words are bad. And what is the logic behind this classification, you ask me? None. Absolutely None. Nada. Zilch. The classifications are derived from my subconscious. No logic. No sense. Just impulse. And in my mind, Emotional is the same as Weak. And that is classified Bad.

So, there I was, trying to prove to myself that I was a Strong, Angry Young Man (what was I thinking, Amitabh Bachhan???), with not a care in the world. But the irony of it all was, that I was the opposite, the perfect anti Hero, of the guy I was trying to be! I am RD. Which means, that by definition, I am none of those cool things. I am weak, I am old, I can't take nothing seriously, I laugh hysterically when I am under stress, I am the funny guy you love to hang out with when your down and low and then move on when you feel better. I am all these things and more. And somewhere deep down inside, I think I have been running away from it, for quite a while now.

Was thinking about these things, for a major part of Sunday. Spent a lot of time, in that quasi sleepy mode, when you are half aware of everything around you, but not completely. Nice, dreamy, slow state of mind. That's when a lot of stuff goes through my head, and I try and think things through. Didn't help much, but I felt a little better about being me. I still harbour the same insecurities, the same prejudices, the same flawed outlook on life. But in a weird way, it doesn't feel so bad no more!

My Take On Wonder Boys

2008-06-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

I think this movie would have hit the right spot, in my heart, irrespective of when I'd watched it. I don't particularly like cliched movies, but I don't get particularly affected by bad reviews either. And when I read that it was about the relationship of a boy and his idol, I knew I had to watch it.

It was with considerable annoyance, that Manish once complained to me, that the primary source of concern for our society was the drastic way in which we have radically changed the criteria for our idols. The learned, the wise, are passe. The savvy, the uber cool are in. And the scariest part of it all, is the fact that the parents, the ever vigilante, the supreme resistors of change in any society, have failed to even notice this slow but complete change in our minds, our attitudes.

So, I didn't find it very surprising, when one day, (and I must admit here that Wonder Boys did have more than a passing influence on my decision) I decided to try and stay with a teacher of mine, and didn't get very agreeable responses from some of the people who I care for, whose support, at times of distress, I rely on. However, it was amusing.

Amusing in a way that I could not even comprehend. While no one really had a strong reason as to why I shouldn't, everyone seemed to be certain, that it wasn't a good idea. When pressed, I got replies that bordered on absurdity. And though I found the whole deal to be vaguely reminiscent of unfound biases and prejudices that people usually harbour, and hence, not to be given much of a second thought to, I couldn't help feeling amused. Feeling very amused.

My Rants...

2008-06-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like am an Automaton. And no, I don't use that word as a joke here, I mean it. Yesterday was the fourth consecutive day, when I ended up with a very unusual (read : unRD'ish) day. Lots and lots of things, just didn't make sense. This is not me. This cannot be me! Having spent 25 odd years with myself, I think I know what it feels like, being me. And the last coupla days, have so not been the same! Ok, wait. Before I start senselessly ranting, let me jot down my thoughts objectively. Maybe, it will help me clear my head, maybe it will simply serve as the catalyst I need, to set things right, again.

Now, what convinced me that something wasn't the way it should be, were :
(a) Eating only one square meal a day and not feeling hungry. And though I am known to skip meals often, this is unheard of, even by RD Standards. Only breakfast. And not even feeling it. Not like me. Not like me at all.

(b) No Dreaming. And this is the part that hurts the most. Curled up under the bed reading a Three Investigators book; a decade back, or working late in the night tapping away at some ungainly javascript; now, my dreams have always been there with me. I can dream with my eyes open, I can dream while speaking to someone (when my brains shuts off), I can dream while riding, I can dream while pretty much doing anything. I have a pathological need for them, my dreams. Its my escape from the drab world that I am often forced to be a part of. But for the last coupla days, I can't even replay my dreams in my mind!

(c) No Working. I usually put in a solid coupla hours at work, after I get home. Just keeps me going. The mind numbing Bozocity that I have to bear throughout the day, saps me of my enthusiasm and energy, and I have to rely on my working at home, to rejuvenate myself. And yes, you've guessed it. Haven't been working at all, lately.

(d) Sleeping Early. I did all my sleeping that I could possibly need for a good whole lifetime, in my first, miserable year at college. I had no computer, I had no family, I had no friends. My only refuge then, was sleeping, and sleep I did. Like a drunk. But ever since I got out of there, I don't sleep much. Or atleast, not to the same extent as I used to, for that one year. But day before yesterday, I slept almost 12 hours, at a stretch, and I regularly doze off, in the afternoon as well.

What amuses me is, the fact that I am aware of this all, and yet, I just don't feel like doing anything about it. Absolutely nothing. I know that all I gotta do is just start doing things from my regular routine, force the mind to listen to the will, and it will all be good and fine, before long. But I couldn't.

The other day, woke up really early in the morning, while REM was singing Losing My Religion, and tried very hard to think things through, sort things out. But nothing materialized. I couldn't even get my mind to concentrate. Kept getting distracted. Finally, irritated, I gave up, and went back to sleep.

The whole idea of writing it all down, was to take another shot at it. Maybe, now I will feel humiliated to get things back on track. Maybe, I will feel the need to prove that I am in Control of my life, and get back to being me. Or maybe, it was all a waste of time. Just another outlet for the egotistical, emotionally dependent scumbag me. I don't know.

My "Feel Like Shit" Day

2008-04-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

Just another one of those days, I guess. Couldn't shake away the whole "Everything's just shit" feeling! I tried tracing its roots, and figured that Friday night conversation over dinner with MisTique, ranks way above anything else (more on that in another post, maybe). Add to that the post-party-depression after last night's Daaru Party, and you have a perfect recipe for Disaster, as far as RD's frail emotional balance is concerned.

Have been listening to this song for like a million times since morning. Just can't get it out of my system. With reason? I don't know. Some food for thought, before I go to bed. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow, and everything will be magically taken care of!

Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,

My Nobo Borsho

2008-04-20T07:25:00.001-07:00

As the Bengali New Year (Nobo Borsho) rolled in, I found myself unable to tear away from this song by a vintage Bangla Rock band, Mohiner Ghoraguli. Given my addiction to music, I wouldn't usually consider such an incident to be blogworthy. But it was the imagery that the song brought to my mind, that got me thinking.

I am not a Rock Pundit, by even a far shot. I only appreciate music, that I like. And I usually, don't like Psychedelia. However, this was the first time, when I could completely relate to the concept of Hallucinatory Rock, that is often associated with the music of the legendary Pink Floyd. While singing along, I had this crazy feeling, that I was drifting along among the clouds, swimming in a vast expanse of void, looking up at the sky, seeing her house, drifting along some more... And all this, without a single drop of alcohol, or a whiff of grass! I was hallucinating all the way to kingdom come, and Loving each and every moment of the ride!

I reproduce the lyrics here, alongwith my translation. Nor are the lyrics completely accurate, nor the translation. But it don't matter to me. This is the way I sing it, so...

Mohiner Ghoraguli - Akaashe Chhoraano Megher Kachha Kachhi

Aakashe Chhoraano, Megher Kaachha Kachhi
Dekha Jaaye Tomader Baari

Chhile Kottha'i Bosha Baadaami Beral Bone Shoonne Maaya Jaal,
Chaayi Ronge Pencha Shei Chokh Teepe Boshe Aachhe Koto Na Bochhor Kal
Kaalo Dorjaa Khule, Baire Tumi Ele
Baaganer Gaachhe Haanshi Chhoraabe Boono Phoole

Shei Baarir Nei Thhikhaana,
Shudhu Ojaana Lal Surkir Poth Shunne Dai Paari

Paakaano Shinrir Pothe Shekhaane Nebe Aashe Chaander Aalo
Kauke Cheno Na Tumi Tomake Chene Na Keu, Shei To Bhaalo
Tumi Gaan Geye, Ghure Phire,
Tomaar Elo Chool Oi Baatashe, Shudhu Orre

Shei Baarir Nei Thhikhaana,
Shudhu Ojaana Lal Surkir Poth Shunne Dai Paari

Akaashe Chhoraano, Megher Kaachha Kachhi
Dekha Jaaye Tomader Baari

Translation

Among The Clouds Scattered In The Sky,
I Can See Your House

The Fawn Coloured Cat In The Attic, Weaves A Web Of Illusions In The Void,
The Gray Owl Has Been Sitting With Its Eyes Closed For Years Now
Finally, You Come Out Of The Black Coloured Door,
To Spread Some Laughter And Joy Among The Wild Flowers Of The Garden

But That House Has No Address,
Just An Unknown Dusty Path, Caked In Red Dust, Running Off Into The Void

The Moonlight Comes Down To The Base Of The Winding Stair Case,
You Are A Stranger To This Strange, Strange World
You Walk Around The Garden, Singing
Your Wavy Open Hair, Flies In The Soft Breeze

But That House Has No Address,
Just An Unknown Dusty Path, Caked In Red Dust, Running Off Into The Void

Among The Clouds Scattered In The Sky,
I Can See Your House...

My Bucket List

2008-04-18T00:31:00.001-07:00

There aint too many books or movies that I have come across, which do a good job at handling the subject of death. And when you come to think of it, its really funny. I mean, here we have something that is inevitable, as certain as Life itself, or maybe more so, and yet, so few even make an effort to understand it, or atleast accept it with dignity. But after watching Bucket List, I realised, there was another thing, which no one does. And that was, to make death a Celebration of the human spirit.

Inspired by the movie, I decided to make my own bucket list. I have stuck it as a Post It on my homepage (iGoogle), and thought about making it public here as well. At the end of my life, whenever that might be, I would atleast have some sort of a yardstick, to measure the futility of it all, I guess... ;)

1. Have a pet dog,
2. Own a Porsche,
3. Go to the Andamans,
4. Have a villa in Pondicherry,
5. Get a tattoo,
6. Grow long hair,
7. Send Madhu Pintu on a World Cruise,
8. Kiss the girl who brings a smile to my face,
9. Go sky diving,
10. Own a Bose Sound System,
11. Swim with the dolphins

My Personalised, Made-At-Home High!

2008-04-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of writing about this for sometime now, but couldn't get down to it. Issues were weighing me down. But luckily, the clouds cleared last evening, after a mild thunderstorm, and am back to being the usual me. And reading through this article on Mukul's blog, I decided to write about, what gives me a high.

Standing in the bathroom, with a bucket full of cold water. And before we proceed, let me repeat, this is Bangalore, and I am a Bengali! By Genetic DEFINITION, I feel chilled, at the slightest hint of a drop in mercury. And this here, is no exception. But I am one of those crazy maniacs, who tries to get his cheap thrills, as and when he can. So, I move on.

Take a mug of that water. Hold it high against my forehead. The light shimmers off the surface. Orange patterns, on the floor. Slowly tilt it, till a drop hangs from the edge. Suspended animation. My entire body is still, waiting for the sudden rush of cold, that will engulf me soon. I can feel my heart beat a little faster. I can feel the blood rush through my ears. And in that last moment before the water hits me, I am peaking on the Adrenaline rush. The anticipation of the coming cold, is so strong, so intense that a slight involuntary shiver rocks my body!

But as soon as the water hits me, its quits for the Adrenaline Rush. It isn't even half as cold as I had anticipated. Infact, after sweating through the heat outside, its pleasantly refreshing! A complete anti climax to the "Chill Thrill"! But then again, high's were never meant to last too long!

My "Back To Being Young" Playlist

2008-04-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

This is my current playlist. Don't ask me why, but I feel so young, again! Some of these songs have memories of cassette tapes, associated with them! Beat that! If any of you have any memories with any song here, let me know...

1. Anwar - Dilbar Mera (4:53)
2. Anwar - Javeda Zindagi (8:22)
3. Anwar - Maula Mere Maula (6:04)
4. Apna Sapna Money Money - Paisa Paisa (4:07)
5. Awaarapan - Toh Phir Aao (5:48)
6. Bas Eak Pal - Bas Eak Pal (5:36)
7. Bas Eak Pal - Tere Bin (4:36)
8. Bhool Bhulaiya - Labon Ko (5:43)
9. Bhool Bhulaiya - Mere Dholna (6:47)
10. Black Friday - Bande (7:48)
11. Black Friday - Bharam Bhaap Ke (8:36)
12. BluffMaster - Say Na (3:18)
13. BluffMaster - Right Here, Right Now (3:02)
14. Chak De - Chak De India (4:43)
15. Chak De - Badal Pe Paon Hain (4:05)
16. Chak De - Maula Mere Le Le Meri Jaan (4:48)
17. Delhi Heights - Dilli (5:50)
18. Delhi Heights - Tere Bin (5:22)
19. Delhi Heights - Kitni Der Tak (5:07)
20. Dil Chahta Hai - Dil Chahta Hai (5:10)
21. Dil Chahta Hai - Dil Chahta Hai((Reprise) (4:18)
22. Dil chahta hai - Tanhayee (6:10)
23. Dunia Dilwaalon Ki - Mustafa Mustafa (6:03)
24. Ek Chalis Ki Last Local - Laree Choote (4:02)
25. Gangster - Tu Hi Meri Shab Hai (6:29)
26. Gangster - Bheegi Bheegi (5:44)
27. Honeymoon Travels - Sajnaji Vaari Vaari (3:42)
28. Honeymoon Travels - Halke Halke (5:17)
29. Hum Tum - Hum Tum (3:38)
30. Jhankaar Beats - Ruk Ruk Rukna Hai (3:19)
31. Jhankaar Beats - Tu Hi Dil Hai (6:10)
32. Jhankaar Beats - Humein Tumse Pyaar Kitna (4:23)
33. Jhankaar Beats - Jab Kabhi Chand Na Ho (4:39)
34. Jhankaar Beats - Tera Muskurana (3:54)
35. Jhankaar Beats - Suno Na (6:31)
36. Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander - Pehla Nasha (4:52)
37. Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander - Yahan Ke Hum Sikandar (5:26)
38. Kalyug - Adat (5:36)
39. Khosla Ka Ghonsla - Chak De Phhattey (5:46)
40. Khuda Ke Liye - Allah Ho (4:31)
41. Khuda Ke Liye - Bande (3:34)
42. Metro - In Dino (6:41)
43. Metro - O Meri Jaan (5:06)
44. Metro - Rishtey (7:23)
45. Metro - Alvia (Reprise) (5:49)
46. Metro - Baatein Kuchh Ankaheein Si (4:38)
47. Musafir - Ishq Kabhi Kariyo Na (4:30)
48. Musafir - Saaki (5:21)
49. Musafir - Rabba (5:52)
50. Pyaar Ke SideEffects - Pyaar Karke Pachhtaya (4:08)
51. Pyaar Ke SideEffects - Jaane Kya (6:14)
52. Rang De Basanti - Rang De Basanti (6:03)
53. Rang De Basanti - Roobaaroo (4:43)
54. Salaam E Ishq - Ya Rabba (6:56)
55. Taare Zameen Par - Maa (5:12)
56. Taare Zameen Par - Kholo Kholo (5:13)
57. Taare Zameen Par - Taare Zameen Par (7:12)
58. Taare Zameen Par - Mera Jahaan (6:34)
59. The Train - Beete Lamhein (5:01)
60. The Train - Mausam (5:45)
61. Woh Lamhe - Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai (4:26)
62. Zinda - Yeh Hai Meri Kahaani (5:19)
63. Zinda - Maula (3:46)

Am Just A Dreamer, I Dream My Life Away...

2008-03-31T05:44:00.000-07:00

Stuck at work. Boring shit. But has to be done, to pay the rent. A telephone conversation happening in the next cubicle. Droning. Nothing specific. Sounded like white noise. But suddenly, out of no where, some images flashed in my mind. Images, accompanied with that deceptive feeling of comfort and leisure.

A room. A terrace. Dark and raining outside. Tea in a kettle. I FELT the warmth. My favourite chocolate biscuits. I felt a tingle in my tongue. A bright tea cosy. Dim lights. Music, but I couldn't recognise it. Some people I love and care for. Sitting around a sofa. Plump cushions. Thick carpet. Dark furniture around, with hazy details. And surprisingly, no Me, in the whole room.

And then, as always, I snapped out of it. Very sudden. Very abrupt. Infact, the transition was so bad, that for a second or two, I couldn't figure out my bearing! But what struck me most about this little day dreaming episode, was the presence of a very good friend of mine with whom am fighting, in real life. Complicated. But the overall mood is superficial animosity. And yet, I saw her there. Infact, I even vividly remember her idiosyncrasies, while offering tea to someone! In that room. On the terrace. While it was raining outside. Deep, in the world of my dreams.

And it scared me. Is this then, a harbinger of the fast approaching end? Or, is it just another figment of my tired, hyperactive mind? I don't know. But I can't wait to find out.

The Elocutionist

2008-03-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

I usually don't like to think of myself as anything apart from a geek, but if I had to try really hard, to think of another passion that is next to my heart, I'd probably put Recitation, above the others. Yes. Recitation, or rather, Elocution, the synonym of my choice.

Ever since I was a kid, I have loved to be on stage. Loved to hog the limelight. Hogged it all. And Elocution and Debating were the best opportunities that I had. And I took to them, like a fish to water. Over the years, debating somehow took a backseat, but elocuting remained close to my heart.

But its been a good many years, since I last went up to the stage, and recited anything. College was a big nightmare that I mindlessly waded through, and work doesn't seem to be different either. Slowly, even the frequency of my Bathroom Recitations waned. And it slowly but surely passed into my list of Things I Used To Like Doing.

Last evening, I chanced upon a pretty darned good print of The Ladykillers. Amazing movie. Though I admit that I am favourably biased towards Tom Hanks, this movie touched a sweet spot. Something long forgotten. A thing of the past.

As soon as I finished watching the movie, dug up some the best pieces that I have ever come across, and saved, in the hope of reciting them someday! Turned on a dim light near the table (which I had conveniently turned around, to face the mirror), enqued some Vivaldi on Winamp, and got down to work.

The next hour or so, was one of the best that I have had in a long, long time. Fleeting memories of a bygone era caressed me. The knot in my stomach before every elocution, the slight perspiration before going on stage, that last moment of utter panic, and finally, the all enveloping feeling of ecstacy at the end of it all. It was all there. It was ALL there!

But the bug has bitten me for good. Been secretly working on a piece. Have plans of doing a recitation at office. Not sure, if its a receptive audience, but well, what the heck! I just need some people around, to see if I still, got the touch. Will blog on the outcome, if it happens.

The Best Post Of The Blog, Is The One That...

2008-03-27T09:46:00.000-07:00

Why is it, that the best day of your life, is the one that you never get to live? The Best Girl, is the one you never get to hold? The most cherished dreams, are the ones that never come true?

As I was telling GB, this is probably a combination of the weather, the music, and the fact that I am hopelessly stuck with my Baby. This, this, ummmm, this whole philosophical outlook, if I could call it that. But I can't help thinking. Why are pain and loss, so entwined with My Destiny? Sometimes, its tiring. Sometimes, its scary. If I can't do away with them, atleast I wish I was numb to them. The word that comes to mind, is "indifference". Blissfully indifferent, to it all. Just floating. Drifting. Passing by. No crests of pain, or troughs of joy. Just undulating numbness. Ah! I wish...

She's Just Mine All Mine

2008-03-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

Though the title is from a corny AC/DC song, that's the only phrase that got stuck in my mind, everytime I tried thinking of a title for this post. Nothing else. Zilch. Nada. So, I stuck with it. Not sure, how appropriate it is. But then again, I don't have to work at holding your attention. This blog is for me, so...

Usually, I have work to do, as soon as I reach home, and blogging takes a back seat. But today, I returned late, and after that mind numbing shit that I have to call work, I wasn't upto anything creative by a far shot. So, I decided to take some time off, and dig a little deeper into some unpleasantness. I know, I won't do it, if I get so much as half a chance to evade it.

Patterns, I think reveal a lot. When a precise solution eludes you, look for patterns. They often guide you to a helpful direction, even if they may not contain the solution itself. And at a sub conscious level, I think that is what I have been doing for the last coupla hours. Looking for patterns. Patterns to my erratic mood swings. Patterns to my weird reaction to human company. Patterns to something unexpected. Patterns to an anomaly.

When I told VG about this post, she told me that I am going crazy. That I am over analysing things. But I beg to disagree. Sometimes, I think a man should spend some time, thinking about his life. Where he is heading, and what might be in store for him, there. And RD doesn't do this, often enough. So, this can't be over analysis. Just can't.

I think one of the things that is a problem, is my inability to

Took a break. Dozed off last night, and I think I have lost the flow. ;(

Somewhere I (Un)Belong

2008-03-24T22:34:00.001-07:00

A couple of disjointed lines from a song by one of my favourite Bangla Bands, Fossils, should pretty much sum up, what I wish to write about.

Fossils - Ekla Ghor
"Ei Ekla Ghor Amaar Desh, Amaar Ekla Thhakaar Obbhesh... Bondhuder bhire'o ekla ekla aami khunje phiri lokkho amaar, paaltaachhe na ei obostha'ta, jodio paalte jaaowa'r dorkar"

Translation : "This lonely room is my Home, Its my habbit to live alone... Even among a crowd of friends, I keep searching for my goal (meaning in life), and the situation just refuses to change, though a change is highly anticipated and needed"

This is what was running through my mind in a rush, blocking everything out, Saturday night. Unexplained. Unexpected. A sudden stampede of a chain of thought, that completely broke down my already fragile emotional state of mind. I went from teeming excitement, to utter depression, in a matter of just a coupla minutes, and the reason still eludes me, even after thinking about it all, for 2 days.

I was with a group of people, who are the closest to what I can call My Friends, the mood was jovial, and everything was good and fun. I personally, wasn't in any particularly foul mood. Was doing decently good with my people skills as well. Heck! These were my friends. I shouldn't even be worried about my skills, interacting with them. But I wasn't taking any chances. I had planned this one through. No glitches. I was going to be nice. I was going to be funny. I was going to be chatty. I will keep myself occupied, and not let my mind run away, chasing some fancy, destructive ideas. Having fun, would be a Bonus! And as I said, I was doing pretty good.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I started going down, like a heavy stone in a river. Hurtling full speed, into the depths of depression. Sinking and sinking bad. And I mean, Real Bad. All my thoughts just went zilch in no time, and I started struggling to even get into the conversation happening around me! Gradually, the voices started to fade out, and I was left alone, screaming in my mind. Screaming, SCREAMING, SCREAMING!

I Don't Belong Here. These are a group of strangers, and I don't even know them! Maybe I knew them, in a distant past. Maybe I even liked them, back then. But not now, not here. I don't even want to know them. I feel so, I feel so, so Lonely. I don't deserve this. This is my vaccation, Goddamnit. I should be enjoying it. But I can't. I want to throw up. I want to throw up till there's nothing inside of me. I want to get up, and start running. Keep running, till I drop down. I don't know where to, I don't know how far. I don't wanna know. I don't care. As long as its away from here. Far, far Away.

It had happened before, and it was happening again. Out of nowhere, the question of what the hell I was doing there, at that point of time, with that bunch of people, loomed large, and I had no answer. I mean, ofcourse I was there with my friends. And obviously, I was having a good time. But that hollow creepy feeling won't go away. Nor would the screaming voice. I tried concentrating on the conversation around me, I tried thinking of the pleasant things that had happened to me. I tried them all. Nothing worked.

However, I did manage to overcome the intense desire to run away from it all. I had made a gritty promise to myself, that no matter what happened, I won't run away. I'll face it, whatever it is. I'll stay and fight. The fact, that this was late in the night, in the middle of a jungle, and I had no access to any form of transport, helped keep my resolve. But it was closely fought. I needed a lot of that silly stupid thing that people call will power, to keep myself from doing more harm than I had already done.

Quietly got me into bed, slept it off, and well, was better on Sunday morning. But the bitter aftertaste lingers on. I don't think I can let this pass lightly. Its getting serious. Its getting repetitive. Worst part is, I think I have some clues about the root cause. But its so downright dark and dirty, that I even refuse to think about it. But maybe I should. Maybe I should, real quick.

And till then, my conquest of the man inside, must continue.

Roller Coaster Ride, Anyone?

2008-03-17T23:21:00.001-07:00

While surfing some blogs, I came across this post, and well, just couldn't keep myself from re iterating it here, in Pink! ;) No guesses why.

"I was 25 at the time, and basically oscillated day to day between thinking "This is the greatest idea ever!" and "This will never work. Who am I to take on Intuit and Microsoft? If this was a good idea, someone would have done it before." It’s very emotional, and I don’t think people ever tell you about that. You see your net worth quickly draining, you have no idea what’s going to happen next, and you’re sitting alone in a room with no help, no resources, just your brain and sheer will-power. When ever I got down, I would listen to "That’s Life" by Frank Sinatra, or think about a Shakespeare quote I liked as a kid: "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win, by fearing to attempt." "

Lately, been ripping stuff off others. Think its time for an original post or two. Hmmm...

My Dedication : Back To You

2008-03-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

After a very long time, I thought of You. Had a longing, to be with You. To have You in my arms. Close. To feel Your breath, caress My skin. Shiver when Your sweat evaporates off My body.

But its not to be. However, I wonder, if things had turned out the way I had wished them to, maybe this song would have been fitting, to our very weird, very unusual, ummmm, Love?

I've been down, I've been beat,
I've been so tired, that I could not speak.
I've been so lost, that I could not see,
I wanted things, that were out of reach.
Then I found you, and you helped me through,
And you showed me, what to do
And thats why I'm coming back to you...

Like a star, that guides a ship across the ocean.
Thats how your love will take me home back to you.
And if I wish upon that star, someday I'll be where you are.
I know that day is coming soon, ya I'm coming back to you.
You've been alone, but you did not show it,
You've been in pain, but did not know it.
Let me do what I needed to, you were there when I needed you,
Might have let you down, might have messed you round,
But you never changed your point of view.
And thats why I'm coming back to you...

I'm coming back to you.
I'm coming back to you.
I'm coming back to you.
That day is coming soon.
I'm coming back to you.

Size Kills Innovation

2008-02-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

While returning from home this time round, I took a detour through Hyderabad. Though it was unscheduled, I was quite happy to spend some time with Madhumita and her family. Its always a treat, to hang out with them.

As always, GV (that's Madhumita's father) and I got into a discussion. And this time round, it was about his move from a smaller pharma company, to a much larger one. He is the head of marketing there, and made the career move, recently. While we were talking about the pros and cons of working at a bigger place, I asked him about his views on "Innovation", wrt the size of a company.

I have always had this belief, that true innovation occurs, only under adverse situations. I mean, why would I bother to rack up my precious brain cells, if I could just use the available resources to follow the crowd? I don't think Apple would have targeted the "Common Man", if they had the time, money and expertise that IBM had, to go after the corporates. I doubt if Google would even exist today, if Yahoo had not rejected their offer to being bought off.

Or look closer home, if you will. Fevicol adverts are higher in the Innovation Quotient, than Pepsi's, though the latter has a much more recognizable "Star Power". Bajaj would have forever remained as the Scooter Company, if the penetration of 100cc bikes hadn't eaten into its market. Adversity always forces people to innovate, or get swallowed into the vast void of "Has Been's".

And I am assuming, that from a layman's perspective, a smaller company will have to face a lot more adversity, in terms of resources. And if it still manages to survive, then they are bound to have a lot more innovation happening there, than at a bigger company. Wait. Am not the only one saying this. Paul Graham speaks on these lines in his essay "Hiring Is Obsolete", "Disruptive technologies are developed by disruptive people. And they either don't work for the big company, or have been outmaneuvered by yes-men and have comparatively little influence"

But GV too had a point. Giving me a specific example, he thinks that from a marketing perspective, a bigger company is a better place for innovation, because he has access to a larger resource base, to implement his ideas. Working on a very limited budget, he could not often do a lot of things that he would have wanted to. With more people and more money, he can even afford to make a few mistakes, while pursuing his creative ideas.

Now, I won't refute GV's argument, but isn't THAT the whole point? Accepted, at a small outfit, you don't have much room to make mistakes. But only when the stakes are high, you are left with no other option, but to claw on forward through the skin of your teeth! All the more reason, to try and think "different". Do the whole "Out Of The Box" jig. Will I really take the trouble to put myself through sleepless nights, bear the brunt of being cursed by my team mates, risk the ire of my boss (read : the person who decides my pay package), and more, if I am not pushed to a corner? I don't think so. I don't think so at all.

I know am putting my neck, way out of line on this, but I stand by my thoughts. Even if size doesn't completely kill innovation, it cripples it to such an extent that it loses its meaning. Ofcourse there are times when you don't have an option but to ramp up on size. But in that case, just don't expect earth shattering, universe denting stuff.

To conclude, a couple of lines from Ayn Rand's Anthem, "The spirit of man will remain alive on this earth. It may sleep, but it will awaken. It may wear chains, but it will break through. And man will go on. Man, Not Men".

Fear Of The Unknown

2008-02-20T06:26:00.000-08:00

Yes Raj, you were right. Dusk, does have a depressing face, and today, I saw it. And honestly, I could have well done without it.

A heavy bag on my shoulders, and a suitcase in my hands was what I was burdened with. But it was a breeze, compared to the brooding sense of fatality that was overcast on the horizon. Matters far beyond my control, and often, beyond my comprehension, were bothering me. And I was sucking up to it, hook, line, sinker.

Rushing to board the train to Freedom, to Home, to my Haven, I had to stop periodically to put down the luggage, and catch my breath. And it struck me, while I was resting my tired arms at one such pitstop.

The smoke and fumes had added a halo around the ochre orbs of the sodium lamps, unenthusiastically lighting the paths of millions of thankless, ungrateful passersby. The long winter evening, had its mouth wide open, to swallow and extinguish the flickering flame of life from the last rays of the run. The cacaphony of the blaring horns, snarling traffic, vociferous street peddlers, strangely mixed in harmony, to leave an eerie muted ghost of the real menace. And the moon, the full moon no less, gave off a pale, omniscient glow, that enveloped everything around it.

It didn't take my senses longer than a few moments to perceive all this. And before I knew it, a strange, unnamed fear, a fear of the unknown, a fear of the incomprehensible, was upon me.

I quickly picked up my bags, and rushed towards the station. Even when my arms were screaming out in pain, I dared not stop. Didn't dare turn around. Didn't dare slow down either, till I was safely inside the station.

Sitting under the brighter and happier neon cousins of those sinister orbs, which had made me so uncomfortable a couple of minutes back, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was way too early for my train, and so, warmed up to a hard, uninviting seat, on the platform.

After some time, I finally summed up enough courage to steal a glance at the now distant, street lamps. But surprisingly, they were just what they were supposed to be. Sodium Street Lamps! I breathed a sigh of relief. Hah! It was all, merely a figment of my hyper active imagination. After all, the accumulated stress of the last couple of months, was probably taking its toll. Or maybe, though I wouldn't want to admit it, it was the thespian in me, over reacting to a visual trick of nature. It was not surprising, that the Grizzly Bear was given to calling me the "Drama Queen".

My spirits started to soar, as the train drew in to the station. Just like it had over the last six odd years, my heart faithfully skipped a beat at the prospect to being home. The rush to board the train, locating my seat, squeezing past people, while carrying my ten tonne load, I barely managed to sit down on my seat, when the train began to pull out.

I craned my neck, to catch a last glimpse of the street lights, before they disappeared in the dark of the night. The moving train, the running people, the loud whistle, added to a lot of the distraction. But my gaze was fixed. My mouth went dry. I could hear the blood singing in my ears. It was NOT OVER, and no, it was not my hyper active imagination either. In a queer moment of logical triumph, I knew that I was not wrong. In that last fleeting moment, the lamps had just winked at me! And in a simultaneous flash of sudden insight, I knew, they would be waiting, for my return!

Why IS RD The Fall Guy, ALWAYS?

2007-12-30T00:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, so what is it about me, that makes me the "Bad Guy", ALWAYS? I really, really don't know. Its weird you know, all these years, and I still don't bloody know, why is it, that in any group that I am in, I always end up as the fall guy. You would think, that any normal human being will have the basic intelligence, to figure out something as simple, and inevitably repetitive as this! But excuse me here for being naive, but I forgot to tell you, its RD at this end, ladies and gentlemen.

The panga started a coupla weeks back, when the new jerk who came in to live with us, started behaving weird with me. Won't speak to me properly, avoided me all the time. I was too busy with my shit to bother much. When you have to live with a bunch of hyper active geeks, you learn to compensate for erratic mood swings. And I was no stranger to this myself. So, I "gave him his space" and zoned out of his immediate sphere.

But wait a sec! Isn't something wrong here? I happened to hear the conversation between him and our third roomie, and things sounded pretty normal to me. Shouldn't he be upset with the "world", in general? Oh no! Don't tell me, its another of those, "RD is to blame for my foul mood"!!!! Great! History Revisited.

Duh! Mom doesn't want me to go ahead and complete this! ;( So, I guess, its gonna be one abrupt ending, right here!

My Life At SKID

2007-12-11T11:07:00.000-08:00

Sumant wants to make a documentary on SKID, the school I teach at, during my lunch break. And he needed a write up that he could use. In under an hour. This is what I could come up with. Pretty lame. But if it can make even one of you, curious enough to visit and spread the awareness, I would consider the effort, to be worth it. Apologies, if this is spam for you. Not intended.

They say, Music is the Universal Language. But how do you say this, to someone who has never heard a single note, in his entire life?

They say, Education is a Fundamental Right of a child. But how do you teach someone who has to fight each and every minute of his life, to just be accepted in society?

They say, Life is all about those little triumphs that make it worth living. Now THAT is something that you CAN tell these kids. Kids who have been dealt an unfair hand, but play on gamely. Without flinching, without complaining.

When I walked into the SKID campus, the first thing that hit me, was the SILENCE. At a subconscious level, we have probably come to associate kids with alot of white noise. Kids at the mall, screaming. Kids at the park, talking. Kids at the circus, laughing. Kids at school, shouting. And so, a lack of white noise, is a hard jolt, that made me look a little closer, dig a little deeper. I had no intention of hanging around for more than a couple of weeks when I first stepped in. But something deep down within, changed. Changed radically, after those few minutes.

And I entered a totally different world. A world away from dog tags (read : employee tags) running around. Away from the world of cribbing and bitching about the employer. Away from the usual mundane activities around which my life is centered. But, into a world of grit, determination, courage and an ability to appreciate the little pleasures of life. Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to my world. The world of SKID.

To give you a glimpse of some of the people with whom I share this wonderful world.

Arun : My puttu Baby. Abandoned by his parents as a "Curse From The Gods". Started doing his homework regularly, after I threatened to teach another kid. Likes to play cricket, but loves to answer my questions in 'Sign'. THE reason for my continued presence at SKID.

Sheeba : The shy, quiet girl, who will surprise you with her display of emotions, once she warms up to you. Her loving hug, when she comes running into my arms, makes my day!

Charan : RD, in a parallel universe. He sticks closer to me, than my own shadow. Always at a respectable distance, but always there. Makes me feel like a good human being that I am not, with his hero worship.

Shalini : Pocket Sized Dynamite. That toothy grin, framed on a face with twinkling eyes, and bratty gaps where the baby teeth have fallen off, is the right medicine for you, on a blue day. Her diminutive stature does not certainly dampen her spirit, on the playground.

Sakshi : By far the smartest of the lot. Made me feel stupid, when I first tried baby talking her, and then proved me stupider, when she reprimanded me for asking questions "suitable for babies", in a class quiz! Tries hard to get her siblings to not be indifferent towards her.

Shubham : Confidence personified. The Little Guy, with Loadza Attitude, and intelligence to boot. Loves to play, read, and show off his smartness. Certainly, my pick as the next gen Thought Leader.

Maybe you dozed off, long before you reached here. Maybe, you were cursing me, by the time you read the 5th line. Maybe, you deleted this, the moment you saw the name of the sender. But, if you are curious to find out more about this little world of mine, come visit us. It will not help you win brownie points from your boss. It will definitely not help increase your "Cool" factor with the opposite sex. But it might, it just might give you some pure, unadulterated joy. A chance to bring back that kid to life, who is hiding so deep down inside of you, that you have probably even forgotten about him.

Silly Rhymes

2007-11-05T06:54:00.001-08:00

Can't remember the exact date, but a coupla weeks back, was attending this session on NWDevStudio. First of all, I had no interest in the content. Secondly, the guy really had no skills to keep an audience interested. And somewhere in the middle of all that boredom, I wrote a coupla these silly lines.

RD is flying high, high in the sky,
For all to see, and wave goodbye.
Lonely skies, shiny stars,
Drifting along, like faceless cars.
Lost forever, here and gone,
Time to run away, time to reborn.

Life is dull, life is dead,
Too many folks, trying to run ahead.
Running in circles, round and round,
Stuck in the race, forever bound.
When's the time, for me to be Me,
Everyone keeps telling me, what I should be.
The voice inside, is drowning slowly,
Am tired of walking this path, all alone and lonely.

Raahein, My Road To Myself

2007-06-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

What can you say about a bunch of guys, just out of college, with some starry dreams in their eyes, and some solid determination to achieve those lofty dreams? What can you say about the very same bunch of boys-next-door, who come grinning back one evening, and tell you that the first hurdle has been overcome?

I really don't know. And yet, I want to talk about these boys and what they are doing. Not because they are my friends. Not because its 'cool' to talk about folks doing something different. But, because I believe in their dreams. I love what they do. And I draw my inspiration from them.

There will be a host of others speaking about the movie. And I don't think I need to give lip service to something that is so good. So, let me just say, that Raahein, is just what it promises to be. Amateur cinema, at its very enthusiastic best. At its classiest. Don't watch it, so you could appreciate the effort put in by these young turks. But watch it instead, because you want to know, what Loneliness feels like. Watch it, so you could savour the bitter taste of being alone. Watch it, so you could start to love your life, just a little bit more.

Check them out here.

Re : Monsoon Music

2007-06-06T03:21:00.000-07:00

Yes VG. I totally relate to how you feel when the rains pour down from the heavens above! (http://i---me---myself.blogspot.com/2007/06/theres-something-about-rain-that-makes.html) Its almost like orgasmic pleasure. Unexplainable. Delightfully blissful. Magical...

I would love to sit in the balcony, rocking on my chair, with either a book (Fredrick Forsyth/Robert Ludlum types), a mug of steaming Bournvita within easy reach. If the book is not available, I won't mind tapping away on my lappie working on some Evolutionary Computing code snippets. Equally pleasurable! ;)

The music is 'obviously' playing (that goes without saying). However, my choice will be a little different. What the heck! Very different!

1. Colonial Cousins - Rain
2. Cat Stevens (assorted)
3. Elvis Presley (assorted)
4. Shubha Mudgal - Ab Ke Saawan
5. Anjan Dutta (assorted)6. Jagjit Singh (assorted)
7. Soundtrack of Metro, Cheeni Kum, The Train.

Yes, I think I could live with that! ;)

Motorcycle Monologues - V

2007-03-14T04:15:00.001-07:00

'Its like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush from me'. <http://www.lyricsondemand.com/e/eminemlyrics/stanlyrics.html> True. Pain is a huge rush for me. I do admit that I aint one of the sadistic types, who constantly indulge in self flagellation. No sir. But there are times, times of self doubt and intense disillusionment, when pain is not only the intense pacifier, but also the sole meaning of existence, that I do resort to inflicting some pain on myself. Just to feel SOMETHING. Anything. Anything but the numbness.

And that is what I did when I left her house, 15 'numb' mins later. Her mom asked me for some tea, and from times immemorial, it has been tough, to say no to a cup of tea. So, well, as soon as I left her place, I decided that there was no point in staying back in town (that is what I had initially planned for). There was this numbness that was slowly but surely taking over my senses, and the last thing I wanted was to spend the night at an unknown, unfriendly hotel room!

I am not a pro biker, by even a far shot. Nor is my bike, meant for long cruises. So, it was IDEAL. The moment I left the outskirts of the town, I knew I wanted to do this, without a single pit stop. The fatigue would be intense. And so will be the pain. But then again, that was the whole idea.

But before I carry on with this dead, dull narration, I would like to mention, that on my way out, I took a slightly longer, more scenic route out of the city. And boy, was it Beautiful! For a coupla moments, I had comepletely forgotten the void inside. It was lush green fields around me, cloudy grey skies above, and a pleasant breeze with an ever so slight hint of a chill, caressing my body! It was like a drop of rain, in the middle of a desert. Made my ride, worth it.

The journey back, was predictable. I have done this sort of thing before, and I think, this will not be the end of it, either. Instead of raging against an unknown opponent, I personified it, as pain. After a coupla kms, the ride started taking its toll on me. But I carried on, unrelenting. After some time, it became a duel. Me, against the Pain. The entire focus of my being, of my existence at that moment, shifted to overcoming that intense pain. Eyes steady on the road, ears alert to honking in the rear, and the breathing regular. All senses, working at their optimum, to overcome the common enemy.

I can't articulate the feeling, but when I reached home, I knew that I could make it back, only because of the intense concentration that one derives, when focussed on overcoming an opponent. It wouldn't have been possible otherwise. But the problems, never cease to enter bang in, into RD's life. As soon as the physical stress of it all began to wear off, the pain inside, which I was originally running away from, began to surface. And the worst part of it all was, this time there was no escape...

Out Of Fuel!

Motorcycle Monologues - IV

2007-03-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stood in front of a crowd to speak, and then had a feeeling, that your stomach just did a somersault into the pits of Hell? Or, you were crouching to start that all important race, and your limbs feel like jelly?

If you nodded to either of those queries, you would know how I felt, as I approached her house. There was this intense desire, to just turn around, and run away. Errrr, Ride away, I guess. My head was buzzing, and there was this crazy, psycotic churning in my tummy. Like a vaccum, sucking me inside out!

But over the years, I have learnt to overcome such 'difficulties'. The trick is to keep on MOVING. Yes, movement. You need to keep on moving, physically. I think its one of those neurotic things. You keep your body moving, and the repetative, rehearsed movements of your body, have this soothing effect on your mind! Freaky? You bet...

So, I decide to ride around her house a coupla times, to calm the jumpiness inside. Its never a good idea to rush into important things, with clammy palms, and a squeaky voice sounding like a squirrel on high Octane energy drinks! Bad. Bad. Moreoever, its just not RD's style.

Being a believer of the Silva's method <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silva_Method>, I decided to first practise a bit of it, before approaching my 'subject'! And by now, you have correctly figured out, that I was Desperate (with a Capital 'D') to make this thing work. Life's so incomplete without Her. I mean, I so like to make her laugh, hear the sound of her voice, feel her heart beat next to mine, feel her breath on my face. I am so used to it. So, so used to it. Never really thought I would come to miss it so!

I mean, I am RD after all. Women have never been tough to find, or fall for. But never before has it hurt so much. The pain is intense. The urge to have her back, is like nothing I have ever felt before. And it is this feeling, that makes me believe that if I cannot get this woman to share my life with me, I will probably regret it, for a long, long time to come.

I have rehearsed my lines a hundred million times. I know just exactly what I want to tell her. Its simple. Its the Truth. No ego. No false pride. Just plain, simple, naked me. No unnecessary baggage. No pretense. The moment she opens the door, am gonna look her in the eyes. Unflinching. If there is even a hint of hurt, or pain in those beautiful, serene eyes of hers, I will go right ahead, and tell her how I feel, wihtout her in my life. Simple. True. And so, nothing could go wrong.

The door's open, the smell of freshly sawed wood hangs in the air like a fog, enveloping all other smells that emanate from a typical domestic household. Its a little disillusioning. According to one of the principles of Silva's Method, you visualise what you are about to do, in as much detail as you can. I had. And this new, unexpected smell, was NOT a part of it. Definitely No. That's the problem with over preparation. One thing out of place, and your whole confidence level, comes crashing down!

My heart is thumping like a steam piston with a soul of its own. The buzzing in my ears is louder than ever. I think its slowly moving, towards my head now. In some obscure corner of my mind, a now 'relegated to the sidelines RD' is screaming, no no, screeching, for me to turn back, while there's still time. My feet hesitate, and its with the greatest measures of willpower that I manage to reach out, and knock on the ajar door.

I don't like this. Not a bit. Something is wrong. It doesn't smell right. It doesn't feel right. Things are spinning a little. I think I am dizzy with this unease. And before I could turn back, and run outta the door, her mother is there, smiling at me, after it took her a coupla seconds to recognize me, with all the facial hair and all. By now, I really can't feel or hear anything. Its like am watching this whole scene unfurl, from a detached perspective. I hear myself mumble somehthing that was as close to Latin, as anything I know. And somewhere, in the middle of all that confusion, uncertainity and turmoil, I thought I made out her mom say something about her staying back at Bangalore, for the weekend.

Crash!!!

Motorcycle Monologues - III

2007-03-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

Alot of people ask me, how I can go for long rides, all alone? Its so much more natural for people to take a coupla friends along. But I never felt the need. Infact, I find it more comforting to travel alone. You are not obligated to make conversation, you can set your own schedule. Your a Free Bird, which is exactly what our daily mundane lives, don't let us be.

However, I must admit, that inspite of this, I wouldn't mind having her pillion ride with me. Oh Boy, At Your Service Miss. We have made a coupla similar rides, in happier times, and well, gotta give it to the old gal, I have never complained!

Anyways, back to the Monologues.

Its surprising, how often I can be so blind to so many things that were like, RIGHT in front of my eyes! Its like, till someone actually kicks my rear end, and tells it to me on my face, I often overlook stuff. And when I am busy running away from most people I know, there aint too many options left, but to listen to the voice inside the helmet, about getting a grip in Life. And before you start to get any illusions, let me tell you, that its DEFINITELY not one of the better ways of getting advice on your Life!

But it sure is therapeutic. Oh boy, it so is! I reached the outskirts of Mysore by around 5, and for no apparent reason, I was feeling pretty good about Life. I had heard of the Japanese hack to de-stressing, wherein an employee can go into a room, and vent his anger at a dummy mmodel of his boss, but never really thought that it'd work! But here I was, living testimony of the practicality of such a system! Amazing, what one can realise, on long, lonely motorbike rides!!!

The Motorcycle Monologues - II

2007-03-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

My Dad always warned me against reading too many of those darned books. Sometimes, I really, really wish, I had listened to him. I mean, look at me. Just look at me. I believe I should have been born 20 years before my time, because that is the music, the attitude, the life that I can relate to. I cannot have a normal conversation with most people my age (supposedly)! I live in a Fantasy World where real life issues are over simplified, often misleadingly. Aaaarrrrggghhh!

But well, as it was, I was not ready to admit that things were too messed up for me to even try something. In my mind, I was The Good Ol' RD, out to get his life, back on track. All I had to do, was just turn up at Her doorstep, all dusty, gritty and dirty from the long ride, with that "I Am So Lost Without You, Baby" look, and she will be there, running into my arms, making promises of never going away, ever again! Wasn't it supposed to be as simple as that?

But first things first. Had to call my Best(est) friend first. My Mom. Always a good idea to take her into confidence. I remember, someone I once knew, told me that my whackiness was not really my fault. Its in my genes. And Mummy, just proved him right, all over again! She encouraged me to go right on ahead, and listen to my heart, no matter, how foolish it might seem to be.

Buoyed by this further encouragement, I think I was unstoppable. Fixed the brakes, fuelled up, stuffed in a pair of jeans and a shirt in my bag, and well, that was it. On my way to 'A Better Life', running high on faith and fuel, I was out of the city.

Mysore is 142 kms (give or take a km or two) from my house. Add to that a couple kms to her house, and well, 150 doesn't seem to be a bad estimate. All I knew of her house, was that it was near a college, where I had to take a turn near a 'Red and Yellow' flagpole, and then identify the house, from what I remembered of it, the last time round. Not very tough, considering, that I have already done this once, almost a year back! ;)

After quite a while, I was riding without those nasty earphones crushing into my ear lobes, from the pressure of the helmet. I was sceptical about it though, but well, it was fun to not be listening to something. Riding, for the pure joy of riding. The thumping of the machine, in sync with the beating of my heart, and the roar of the wind, were the only joyous sounds in my ears!

Just to kill the monotony, I started speaking to myself. It was silly scenarios, initially, like having to relate the most embarassing incident in my life, but pretty soon, I was thinking aloud, about alot of issues that have been bothering me, of late. Really, talking to myself (I know, THAT probably set new standards of insanity, but its RD after all)

And so it began, The Motorcycle Monologues!

The Motorcycle Monologues - I

2007-03-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

I won't refute claims that the title of this article is not original. Heck, WHAT have I ever written that has been 'Original'?!! Anyways, for those who are now getting put off by these oblique references, the inspiration for the title came from here. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Vagina_Monologues>

Woke up late on Saturday morning. Loadza things are extremely messed up in my Life, right about now, and waking up early to face them again, is NOT something that I look forward to. Atleast in my DreamLand, I have the liberty to distort reality in my favor!

The day started with watching this <http://www.overthehedgemovie.com/> And for those who are pathetically ill-informed, I am one of those jerks who actually cry, watching cartoon movies. Oh yes, I do... However, while watching this one, the tears did not come. And I was about to celebrate my Growing Up (finally), when another emotion hit me. And boy, did it hit me hard! It made me ride close to 300kms, without any prior planning!

I think the desire was born at the precise moment when RJ (watch the movie to know who HE is), said something about, 'That Is The Way To The Good Life'. I mean, that was in a wholly different context, but am sure you too have had times in your life, when you saw, what you wanted to see, and not necessarily, what was there to be seen. And if you have had the misfortune of being another RD (I am beginning to think that that is a genre now), then you have successfully made a fool out of yourself, because you failed to see the truth.

Anyways, coming back from my musings, I started to think that I too should really go after the 'Way To My Good Life'. Obviously, I had forgotten, that one should never ever listen to the whisperings of one's mind, when the rumbling in one's stomach is louder. And hence began, another of my self delusional, Fits Of Fantasy...

If your still reading, well, hop on!

Just A Year?

2007-03-08T19:25:00.000-08:00

Just a year? Just a year you say? Its tough to actually believe that so much has changed over, 'just a year'! Oh, you need not look far and wide for that. Just look around. Alot changes over just a year.

A happy, cheerful man becomes cynical and dissatisfied with everything around him. Folks who loved to be around each other, to talk, to play stupid, naughty games, to make illicitly pleasurable eye contact, cannot stand the sight of another, in 'just a year'. Can't talk, can't smile at each other, in a period of 'just a year'.

Yes, alot changes over a year. But is it justified for me to complain? I mean, after all, isn't change the only supposed constant in Life? Change is everywhere, you argue. Change is in the nature. Change is in Humanity. Change is Everywhere. Then why complain?

I complain, because this change is not for the better. This change is just about everything that I run away from. That I hide from. It is everything that makes me just a little bit more of a someone, that I detest. The Man in the mirror is gradually making me sick. He is not what I wanted him to be. He is not what I needed him to be.

Yes, Just A Year. It was just a year back, that I was a happy man. Waiting eagerly for Life to come, and embrace me in her arms. Seduce me into a ride to paint the town Red. Oh Yes. I remember. It was just a year back. Just A Year Back...

Nothing More, Nothing Less...

2007-03-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

Didn't someone once say that Stillness of Heart is what gets you to Nirvana? Well, not sure I would agree whole heartedly. Today has been one of those days that really make me wonder, if I am the man, that I am supposed to be, that I pretend to be.

Everything has crashed down, all around me. However, there's no smoke, no fire. Just an old, tired broken heart. Nothing graphic. Nothing to write home about. Nothing dramatic. But this is how lives crumble. Its a slow, steady descent. Slow, but Sure.

The last shreds of hope, are slowly, but surely disappearing. I am grasping for that lone
driftwood, that I can clutch to and delay the inevitable end. But can't seem to find it. Am reaching out in all directions, but all I can see for miles, and miles around, is just the calm, undulating sea.

Nothing More. Nothing Less...

All It Takes, Is Just One Night...

2006-05-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

The numbness is at its peak. I could almost feel it traverse through my veins, as it raced through my blood, to take control of my Emotions. Ofcourse, when it did hit me, I did not feel the whole impact. But then again, isn't it supposed to be that way?

She will be gone soon. A little too soon. Last night, seems like a Dream now. A Dream, that only a naive old no-gooder like me, can dream of. Is not it funny, that I grieve for something, that I myself preach against? Its always the same raw deal for me. But somehow, this time round, its not hurting. Its just so numb. So, so numb...

Don't wanna go back home. Can't bring myself to face all that Lonliness, again. Just one night, and I wish I did not have to return to that Empty house no more. That feel of her touch, the sound of her voice. Its all gonna be there. Ready to overwhelm me. Waiting, to drown me. Jeez, am already talking like a Lost Soul. How I desperately hung on, for the night not to end. For that one moment, to stay frozen in a Lifetime. For me to cherish.

But its not to be. Its Not in my Destiny to have Her. I should have known. I should have read it. I should never have let it all come to pass...

Walk Away

2006-04-20T01:09:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or does this happen to everybody? Why do the people I like, and care for, just end up walking away?

Its funny, really. How the consistency of this distressing incident has just gone up another notch today. I know, I know, that it is but natural for people to move on. But why does it feel so bad, so lonely, when they do?

Don't Go gal. Please Don't Go!!!

I know, I can feel it, that you don't wanna go. Then what's stopping you? Take a stand gal. Why not listen to your Heart once, and not your Brain. Just this once???

Me, Me Alone

2006-04-10T23:39:00.000-07:00

Finally found something that is close to my heart. My beliefs, written by someone else, in words that actually sound good. Glad I got it. Thanks PC for sending this over. I am just reproducing it. I HAVE NOT COMPOSED THIS.

I want to be me, me alone,
I don't want to be somebody's clone,
I don't want to be a stereotype; I want no "label",
I really don't care if others don't find me stable,
I've tried to conform, my spirit I've tried to swallow,
But it's just left me frustrated and feeling hollow,
This inflexible society has nothing to offer,
Conforming to it makes my individuality suffer,
Why do we try so hard to blend in?
When did originality become a sin?
Whatever the answers I really don't care,
I just don't want to someday look into the mirror and stare,
At the man who is looking back at me,
Who is everything I didn't want to be,
So I've decided to stop right now and set my spirit free,
From now on I'll just work on being me,
I'm breaking the shackles; I can no longer stay,
Cause when I die I want to be able to say,
I did it my way!!!

Optimize Against Pain

2006-04-10T19:32:00.000-07:00

On my way to work, early in the morning, passed this reputed college enroute. Never been inside, Never bothered to stop and take a better look. But today, out of the blue, had this desire to get inside, walk around... And no, it was not because I felt I need to go back to school (Sorry Jay and Family), but because one of My Friends whose not with me anymore, had gone to that college for two years.

Sounds strange, huh? Well, it is. I could not have imagined for the life of me, that I would be feeling this way. Had this crazy, crazy feeling to meet her once more, and ask her about her Life in college (before I even knew her), find out about her fears, her dreams, her infatuations. Anything and Everything about her. Just find some excuse to talk to her.

Its hurting now. Wish I had known what I was getting into, when I decided to walk out of the door. But I was so sure, that it was for the better. I mean, no one ever did teach me how to optimize against pain. Its been a self-learning thing. But it seems now, that I have probably got it all wrong.

But I guess there are times in our lives, when all we can do, is just go with the flow. Not much that you can do, once things are in motion. So, I guess, that's what I will do for sometime now. And hope, things get better, somehow. Maybe, even hope for a miracle...

Today Is The Day?

2006-04-04T00:19:00.000-07:00

Is today gonna be the "The Day"? I don't know. I am scared to think. But I guess, it might...

They Bring Tears To My Eyes

2006-04-03T00:14:00.000-07:00

Was cleaning up my place a little. Lot of junk. Alot of emotional leftovers, from years. Travelling with me, in suitcases, cartons, bags. Staying with me, in cupboards, tabletops, everywhere and nowhere. Had to get down to removing them, and usher in a much-needed breath of freshness.

One of the things that really brought them drops of pure melancholy, was my wallet. Torn and battered it might have been, but somehow, its been there with Me for a long time too. There was an essence of ME, in it. Its like, it had become a part of Me. And to have to give it up, was like giving up an essential, and hence seemingly invisible part of Me. Hurt. Hurt Bad.

And that was just the beginning. What does one do with relationships, that get torn and battered? How do you go about them? Do you just chuck them out, like a wallet? Or, do you try and repair them? What happens when even that fails?

And the worst part of it all, is the memories that they leave behind. A picture, a spoken word, a feeling out of nowhere, a smell. And it all comes crashing back, in an overwhelming avalanche. And All I am left with, are them Tears In My Eyes...

Back With A Bang

2006-03-28T00:32:00.000-08:00

After months of inactivity, feel like am gonna burst out with a lot of this nervous energy inside of me. All of a sudden, things are moving with a lurch. Emotional Hangovers are clearing away, The Lappie Baby is here with Me, and well, that itch to "MOVE" around, is back!

Was thinking about where to start it all up, again. Its been long. The cobwebs are making it all a teeny-weeny bit obscure. Maybe I will start with the the whole "Image Processing" stuff. Or maybe, the portable music player. Or maybe, The Project. Don't know...

But I guess it will be foolish not to make use of this Energy that I feel inside of me, now. Lets hope the lethargy is well and truly out, and RD is Back! Back With A Bang!

P.S. Going through the blogs of Meebo, helps... ;)

RESTROOM NETWORKING

2005-08-29T06:14:00.000-07:00

Introduction :

For quite sometime now have been thinking about writing this, but till a particular incident really fires it in, I guess I am too lazy to put it all down for All to see.

Last Friday, as I went in to the restroom to take a leak, I realised that one of the honchos of HR, was in the stall right next to mine. Being a slave of the "Compulsive Greeting Disorder", I struck up a conversation with him, while we were both answering to nature's call.

What transpired in the next minute or so, inspired me to start this blog. I know, some people will not take this seriously, and well, I think they should not either. These are my views, and its more than sufficient, that I think they are important.

The Need :

I have always, acutely felt the absence of the "Big Boys Club" around me. Having gone to an obscure school with an even more obscure Alumni, a mediocre college with "Do-I-Know-You" ex-classmates, there has always been a distinct absence of a group of people with whom I could share a special bond. And so, the "Leaking Lads Club" germinated.

Anyone who has been a part of not-so-significant institutions forever, could try forming this network, and benefit from it. Especially when some irritating IITian, or Xavarian tries to gain favours from his Alumni, you can effectively use your "Leaking Lads" network to negate the unfair advantage.

Existing Issue :

What surprised me most of all, was the fact that the Best BSchools in my country are so unaware of the advatages of this network ring. It was apparent from the reaction of the gentleman I have mentioned in this article, when I tried to strike a conversation with him, that he was SO totally unprepared and caught off his guard. I guess, this stems from the fact that most people do not see the opportunities involved in this. We are so caught up with the conventional ways of networking with people, that we are just not willing to give some other, maverick ways of doing things, a fighting chance. Once we can succesfully overcome these inhibitions in our mind, I am sure we will see the benefits of Restroom Networking, more clearly.

Inherent Strengths :

One of the reasons I believe this is going to be the Next Big Corporate Activity Center (a feat that Golf Greens have achieved) is because of the ease and accessibilty of Restroom Networking.

(a) No particular expertise is needed to be there,

(b) All class barriers are broken and overcome, and people tend to temporarily put down their guard, while in the Toilet,

(c) Moreover, as people are not really concentrating VERY hard on what they are doing, the comfort level involved in talking to others will be higher,

(d) And Unlike Golf, this is INEXPENSIVE,

How to Go About It :

The first and foremost thing involved here is the ATTITUDE. Most people DO NOT think about talking, looking around, listening to others, smiling, when they are busy peeing. More often than not, they tend to look right down, prefering to see something that they have probably seen a Hundred Million times, to looking around some!!! The whole idea of treating a restroom as a place where you should go to pee, has to be replaced with the idea of A Relaxation Center, instead. A place you go to relax, unwind, meet other people, chat...

Don't be afraid to flash a smile to the guy next to you. A smile tends to break barriers like nothing else can. People tend to get more receptive, and "listen" to you, rather than just blow you off. (No pun intended)

Get comfortable with the whole idea of talking. Its generally not very pleasant to verbally communicate with your fellow beings, in a dirty, stinking washroom. But I am sure that you all will agree that the spanking clean, sanitized washrooms that we see at most commercial complexes remove this problem from our consideration.

I have observed over the years, that people who talk to themselves, find it easier to talk to others as well. So, it may not be a bad idea to start talking to That Man In The Mirror, when your out there, alone. It might so happen, that at the very moment that you decide to relieve yourself, there is no one around, to network with. But do not lose hope. This is a perfect opportunity for you to brush up your skills some. Look straight up ahead at the mirror, and rattle off.

One very Important thing to remember here would be to avoid as much body movement, as possible. People who use their hands a lot (like the unfortunate, Yours Truly), who cannot stand still while expressing themselves, who sway all the way from Hell to Heaven and back; when talking to a fellow mate, stand a grave risk of creating an embarassingly prominent wet patch of warm fluids on their trousers.

Choose your "Networking" partner, well. Not all the people you meet like to be spoken to. Infact some idiots feel threatened at the prospect of being caught off their guard, when away from the comfort of their desks. Use your inherent, God given common sense here, and you should be doing fine. For those immensely fortunate souls, who are not burdened with the unnecessary load of Common Sense, keen observation of the facial expressions of your Networking Buddy, should serve as a good enough indicator.

As far as possible, refrain from speaking about topics like food, family, that new car or house. Most folks do not like these. Safe options like weather and sports are good for the beginner. Slowly, move on to work related gossip, bitching about bosses (All time favourite), and fault finding with your Employer (Universally loved). Finally, when the comfort level is high enough, spring in the topic that you need some help in, and Bingo! You have taken advantage of your First Leaking Lads Community. Time to celebrate...

Conclusion :

There is no point in denying the paradigm shift that has occured in our attitude towards work. At a subconscious level, there is this need to "leverage" each and every moment, to benefit us in someway. Thats often the reason, you stop to smile and speak to the other guy, when what you really want to be doing is to kick his guts out. Even the precious lunch time is utilized in "Staying Connected".

Maintaining such a hectic pace, it makes sense to utilize this opportunity too. After all, if people are coming up with innovative ideas like one-way glass walls and LCD monitors to keep the ordinary pee'er occupied, then how tough can it be to engage another troubled, bored, tired soul into a few moments of conversation?